Rachel Federoff of Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker” sets up men and women in hopes that they can live long, happy, healthy lives together. But she also has a darker side and for Valentine’s Day this year is offering some tips for enjoying the holiday with your zombie boyfriend.
We recently told you about Lynn Messina’s book The Girls’ Guide to Dating Zombies as well as her blog with all kinds of tips for dating the undead. Messina has now recruited Federoff’s (pictured right) assistance to give some undead Valentine’s Day advice.
The following will be posted on Messina’s blog on Monday morning, but she’s decided to share it with her beloved Dread Central family first! Read on for Rachel Federoff’s Tips for the Best Valentine’s Day Ever with Your Zombie Boyfriend.
Girls, as a matchmaker I’ve noticed a trend in our men acting like, well, to put it bluntly, zombies. So I’ve been brushing up on these brain-eating, grunting, flesh-tearing, slow-moving creatures, and if you’re going to date one, you best do it right. I have the perfect tips for a perfect Valentine’s Day with your putrid and hunky zombie fellow.
Dress to impress and avoid a mess: Time to break out that little black silk dress because you want him to put down the brains and take notice how smoking hot you look. Why silk? Well, let’s just say this dinner date won’t be a clean one and better to have the blood and brain bits slip and slide right off than spend hundreds at the dry cleaners from suede or linen.
The two-drink maximum overdrive: On your mark, get set, drive! Girls, your zombie has the coordination of Lindsay Lohan on a good day. So stay sober, as you are the designated driver for this romantic date. Let’s face it—he’s killed enough, and drinking and driving isn’t an option.
Light his fire, not the house: Girls, if you are planning the date and have set up a nice, romantic dinner at home of Brains Parmesan à la candlelight, here’s a tip—ditch the candles! Zombies, well, being brainless, have no concept of fire and therefore will end up burning themselves, you, and the whole neighborhood! Try a nice setup of multicolored glow sticks: Zombies look great when they glow!
Stop and smell the roses: Everyone knows that flowers are a huge hit on Valentine’s Day, and roses, with their glorious scent, are the perfect thing for masking your zombie’s unfortunate perfume of Eau de Rotting Flesh. Take the rose petals and toss them in the car, the house, his body. Get Hansel and Gretel and trail them everywhere you both go for a wonderful smelling evening of romance.
Get packing: Now, normally I say single girls should not travel in packs. However, when it comes to caching that oh-so-gore-tastic zombie guy, going out with a girl posse is key. Zombies always travel in herds so best bring your own so you can share with the rest of the class. Just make sure you make eye contact and give him the five-second flirt. If he grunts at you and comes charging, he’s a keeper!
Girls, follow these tips, and you’re sure to have the most romantic, safe and stress-free Valentine’s Day ever. Zombies can be romantic, too. They just need a little nudge every now and then!
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