Ranking The Best Bang-For-Your-Buck Slasher Movie Colleges
Brennan Klein
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It’s back to school month over here at Dread Central, and while the academic year is just starting, high school seniors already have to be thinking about next year because college applications are due sooner than you think.
If you are still having trouble deciding what university will give you the most bang for your buck, never fear. Today I’ll be making that decision a bit easier by ranking some of the most prestigious slasher movie colleges, taking into consideration the degrees offered, class size, academic facilities, and whether or not you’re likely to be stabbed to death by the end of the semester.
Sharpen your pencils and start drafting your personal statements, because by the end of this list you’ll find a college you’re just dying to apply to!
7) Wendall College (Night School)
Let’s start at the bottom. The all-female night school at Wendall College only offers one class in anthropology, so it’s probably too specialized for most prospective students, but at least your lessons might be useful when it comes to catching a killer who’s going around decapitating everyone in sight.
Survival Rate: 0% – Whether you’re a student or a staff member, your head is on the chopping block at Wendall.
6) Lanier College (Final Exam)
Lanier College is definitely a party school if you look at the fact that literally only one student was actually studying for her finals. But if you’re a fan of Greek life, the pranks pulled across this campus are truly epic (last year one frat staged an elaborate fake terrorist attack – what fun!). Just try to make sure your frat hazing doesn’t coincide with finals week because if your parents don’t kill you for failing your exams, the knife-wielding maniac who wanders onto campus certainly will!
Survival Rate: 9% – The school’s most prominent facility is its ancient bell tower; just stick around there and you should be safe from the carnage.
5) St. Trinian’s University (Splatter University)
For a Catholic University, the student body at St. Trinian’s is certainly vivacious. There is a bar just off campus for those looking to unwind, but the best way to avoid being sliced across the forehead (this is deadly, trust me) is to stay in your dorm and just commit to studying.
Survival Rate: 11% – Look, most of these kids deserved it. Just be good and stay on the right track, and you’ll be golden.
4) Southern University (The Initiation)
If you’re looking for a degree in Psychology, then this is the university for you. The TA’s are sexy as hell, the dream study lab is extravagantly well-equipped, and the students know how to have themselves some fun. You can let loose at the annual “Come as Your Favorite Repressed Desire” party, just make sure you don’t spend too much time with the Delta Rho Chi girls. They certainly know how to get themselves into some sticky situations.
Survival Rate: 25% – It’s always important to be your own advocate. Just take after the example of one surviving sorority sister who decided that her pledge night event was stupid and went home to take a shower. Make decisions for yourself and you’ll get through the semester without a scratch.
3) Pendleton University (Urban Legend)
The lecture halls are huge here, so you may not get the personalized learning experience you’re hoping for, but the classes are so specialized (ever wanted an entire course that’s literally just on the concept of urban legends?) that you won’t regret a second. Extracurriculars abound as well, and the campus’s many facilities include a radio station, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and a well-funded school newspaper. Campus security isn’t particularly large, but the one guard they have will tenaciously defend you for everything she’s worth.
Survival Rate: 27% – There’s really no rhyme or reason to survival at Pendleton, just try to avoid any situations that have happened to a friend of a friend of your cousin.
2) Boston College (Pieces)
Boston College is almost pointlessly sprawling, offering something that will wet the whistle of any aspiring Kinesiology major. It’s got everything from tennis courts (with lessons from Boston’s premiere tennis champion/undercover cop), synthpop dance lessons, and even an entire course in kung fu! And every dorm comes equipped with a state-of-the-art waterbed! Just avoid the dining halls, the chop suey will definitely give you food poisoning.
Survival Rate: 33% – Misogyny is the name of the game here, so female students may want to steer clear of becoming the next piece in a Frankensteinian puzzle.
1) Windsor College (Scream 2)
If you’re looking for a solid liberal arts degree, look no further than Windsor College. In addition to having the most ridiculously well-funded film department in… whatever state it’s in, the theater program is so successful that everyone, from the goth outcasts to the sorority girls, is just itching to be involved. The dining facilities are ample enough to perform a full-scale musical number, yet the classes are small and intimate for the perfect teacher-student ratio for optimized learning. And those class sizes just keep shrinking thanks to the Ghostface killer stalking around campus from time to time!
Survival Rate: 46% – You should be just fine as long as you stay away from anyone in the immediate vicinity of Sidney Prescott or her extended family (you may want to double check your friends using a mail-in genealogy service, just in case).
Categorized:News
