Watching Trashy Films MAKES YOU SMARTER!
CAPTAIN CRITIC
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NEWSFLASH: I am the BIGGEST FREAKING GENIUS THE ENTIRE PLANET HAS EVER SEEN IN ITS 2,500 YEARS OF EXISTENCE! When everyone in high school thought I was wasting my life, THEY WERE DEAD WRONG! When my professors in college told me that I would never amount to anything, THEY WERE JUST JEALOUS OF MY ABNORMAL SUPERHUMAN INTELLIGENCE! And it didn’t take hours in the confines of a DANK, DARK, BIG CITY LIBRARY FILLED WITH MILLENNIAL KNOW-IT-ALLS or hours watching the sort of FRENCH NEW WAVE FILMS THAT ARE KNOWN TO END RELATIONSHIPS QUICKER THAN THE FLASH CAN MASTURBATE TO JAPANESE DRIFTING VIDEOS!
According to a new study conducted by PEOPLE WITH FANCY DEGREES AND EXPENSIVE TROPHY WIVES IMPORTED FROM FOREIGN COUNTRIES, watching trash cinema can actually make you SMARTER THAN ANYONE EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE! So the next time a TERRENCE MALICK or ROMAN POLANSKI fan gets in your face because you’re wearing a FRANKENHOOKER T-SHIRT, you can tell them to STICK THEIR FELLINI WHERE THE SUN SHALL NEVER SHINE! Take that, CULTURE!
According to these INTOXICATINGLY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE who are probably EXTREMELY GOOD AT MATH and look FABULOUS WITHOUT THEIR CLOTHES ON, people who watch trash cinema spend a lot of time analyzing EVERYTHING TO DEATH, which makes them — you guessed it — SMARTER THAN THE PRODUCERS RESPONSIBLE FOR GREENLIGHTING GODS OF EGYPT!
“To such viewers, trash films appear as an interesting and welcome deviation from the mainstream fare,” says Keyvan Sarkhosh, a postdoctoral fellow at the Max Planck Institute for Empirical Aesthetics, who is also known as the ONLY PERSON WHO HAS EVER UNDERSTOOD ME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! “We are dealing here with an audience with above-average education, which one could describe as ‘cultural omnivores’. Such viewers are interested in a broad spectrum of art and media across the traditional boundaries of high and popular culture.”
So the next time your parents, your wife, or your boss tells you to SMARTEN UP OR PULL YOUR EMPTY HEAD OUT OF YOUR ANUS, then you can tell them that you’re majoring in TOXIC AVENGER at TROMA UNIVERSITY, you’ll go for your master’s degree at THE FRANK HENENLOTTER INSTITUTE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MANKIND, and you’re training soldiers to ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX!
Categorized:News
