Syfy Unveils Schedule of All Its New Radioactive, Redneck, Frozen, Post-Apocalyptic Sharknado Week Premiere Movies
Foywonder
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The Hallmark Network has its Christmas in July marathon. Discovery Channel has Shark Week. As for Syfy, they have Sharknado Week, truly the most magical time of the year for lovers of schlocky shark cinema and social media movie snarkers.
Sharknado Week (full schedule here) launches on Sunday, July 24th, with the premiere of Atomic Shark. That’s right… the shark is a living, burning, man-eating atomic bomb. It’s up to a couple of lifeguards to save the beach before the hungry shark achieves thermonuclear detonation.
Bobby Campo, Rachel Brooke Smith, and Jeff Fahey star in this over-the-top nature gone amok flick from noted motion picture sharkologist Griff Furst, director of Swamp Shark and Ghost Shark. As was the case with Ghost Shark, the writer of this very article had a hand in splitting the atom that brought this sharktastrophe to life, and I can assure you this shark is definitely gonna blow. You know what I mean.
The chumming of the waters continues on Monday, July 25th, at 9/8 Central with the premiere of Dam Sharks. Whoever wrote up the press release touting the schedule of old and new Sharknado Week movies for the week either had no idea what this movie was about or just didn’t give a damn:
Sharks in a dam. The worst.
Actual description from the press release. Not sure what to make of that. IMDb, meanwhile, describes the plot as: Voracious sharks use human bodies to build dams.
So…. They’re beaver sharks?
Matt Mercer and Kabby Borders star in “the worst” shark flick from directing brothers James and Jon Kondelik.
Tuesday, July 26th, at 9/8 Central sees the premiere of the first of three Asylum-produced shark flicks. First up is the shark flick that takes coldblooded to dizzying new lows:
In Ice Shark, a new breed of aggressive, ravenous sharks cracks the frozen ocean floor of an Arctic research station, devouring all who fall through. As the station sinks into frigid waters, those alive must fashion makeshift weapons or suffer the same fate.
Kaiwi Lyman and Edward DeRuiter star in this bitefest from writer/director Emile Edwin Smith that from the looks of the trailer could have been titled Deep Blue Ice. “Deepest, bluest, my parka’s like a shark fin.”
The Asylum is back for more on Wednesday, July 27th, at 9/8 Central with Planet of the Sharks. Sadly, the premise owes more to Waterworld than Planet of the Apes. A pity; I was really hoping to hear someone mutter the line “Get your fins off of me, you damn dirty shark!
In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.
Hold up. Is this the sequel to Ice Sharks? The former begins due to global warming, and this one deals with its shark-infested aftermath. I’m sensing a theme.
Alex Anlos and Stephanie Beran star in this futuristic Jaws riff from writer-director Mark Atkins.
Thursday, July 28th, at 9/8 Central gifts the world with Ozark Sharks, a movie I’m fairly certain only exists because someone at Syfy realized the words “ozark” and “shark” rhyme.
A picturesque family vacation to the Ozarks goes sideways when a group of bull sharks show up to take a bite out of the town’s big fireworks festival.
Are the fireworks in the water? I’m already confused.
Laura Cayouette and Dave Davis star in this rhyming creature feature from director Misty Talley.
Sharknado Week culminates with the Sunday, July 31st, premiere of The Asylum’s epic sequel Sharknado: The 4th Awakens.
The fourth installment of the “Sharknado” franchise picks up with Fin and his family living in relative bliss five years after the devastation that occurred on the East Coast. But all that’s about to change when the sharknado menace returns in totally unexpected places and ways.
Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, and enough C/D-list celebs to fill several seasons of “Dancing with the Stars” round out the cast of the latest sequel from writer Thunder Levin and director Anthony C. Ferrante.
There you have it. Mark your calendars accordingly, whether it be to watch these cinematic treasures or avoid Twitter for a few hours those nights to avoid the endless array of shark snark.
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