13 Ways to Die In a Zombie Apocalypse
9. Slicing a zombie’s head off with a sword is easy.
You could probably line four or five zombies up and slice through them all like butter, right?
WRONG! Even if you were to hit the neck and not slap a zombie in its undead shoulder, the neck is full of muscles and connective tissues which are hard to cut through. This is why executioners of old used an axe or scimitar to do the deed. Even with their target’s neck stuck out and completely in a subdued position, some of the “professional” executioners (I’d love add that to my resume) had to swing down multiple times to take the head from time to time.
10. Just stab it in the head with my trusty knife.
Skulls are tough and very hard to penetrate. There’s a reason for that too… it’s so someone doesn’t stick a knife in your head and penetrate your brain. Go try sticking your knife through a piece of 1⁄4” plywood. It’ll take you a few times if you can do it at all. Now try it while the plywood is trying to eat you, and see if you can do it. “Wait a second!” you say. “Zombies are icky and squishy like a squid, much softer than regular folks. I’ve seen it in the movies and TV shows!”
WRONG. If they are all soft and squishy, why are they able to remain upright? Wouldn’t their squishy bones collapse under their own weight? Bones will remain durable after death for a long time. Some estimate that it’ll take 40-50 years before the bones start to get mushy. So if a 50-year-old zombie comes at you, then stab it in the brain. Other than that… run!
11. Set it on fire and watch it burn!
Great idea, pyro! Now you have a mobile fire pit chasing you and burning everything in its path. For god’s sake, don’t lead it back to your house. Actually, if you are dumb enough to set one on fire, then by all means lead it to your safe house and watch it burn… I’ll bring the marshmallows.
12. If you get bit, save yourself by chopping off the infected limb.
One of those nasty boogers snuck up on you and bit you on the foot. What are you going to do? I know… just chop off your foot before the infection runs through you. It’s the only way you’ll survive a zombie bite, right?
WRONG! You’ll still die of blood loss more than likely, and if you do survive, you’ll be a terrible burden on everyone around you and probably will be the cause of a few of them getting killed as they help your sorry butt… or worse, you could ruin their zombie apocalypse experience by whining about it for the rest of your life. Just take what’s coming to you with dignity… and crying and begging and pleading.
13. Always be quiet when you are going inside a new place.
Why? Would you rather sneak inside and then find them… OR make a huge racket at the front door where you can easily see where they are coming from and have enough time to get away or dispatch of the walking walkers? This will give you a clue as to how filled the building is too. If you hear a lot of them coming, then the building is full. Board it up and spray paint “Don’t Dead Open Inside“ on the front door. If there’s not a lot and you can plan it just right, you could pull off the epic Spartan Phalanx defense on them and bottleneck those suckers and have some real fun. I’m sure the Spartans came up with it while making their own zombie apocalypse survival plan.
There you have it, folks. It’s not the only advice you can take on the situation, but it’s good advice and words to survive the zombie apocalypse by. Remember… just because you saw it in a movie doesn’t mean it’ll work in the real world. Now I’m off to find me one of those Sharknadoes to see if I can split it in two with my trusty chainsaw.
“Zombies don’t run. They don’t dance. They don’t say, ‘More brains.’ There is no Thriller Night. Those are stereotypes that are perpetrated by Hollywood, which I think is very irresponsible because it can get you killed.” — Max Brooks, “I’m Just a Zombie Nerd”, Time, July 15, 2010
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