13 Ways to Die In a Zombie Apocalypse
Cherokee Hall
|
5. Always run upstairs to make your escape.
If you see that you are getting cornered and you can make it to a stairwell, try your best not to run up. If down is clear, go that way, even if it means you have to knock a few zombies out of your way. The reason is that you can exit to the street a lot easier from the ground floor than you can from any higher floor. Humans just aren’t meant to take a fall from anything higher than the 2nd floor, and even from that level, you risk broken legs and worse. Sure, you can break bones by jumping out of a window on the 1st floor too, but those of you who have that happen probably weren’t cut out for the apocalypse anyway.
6. Never trust the Army.
In nearly every zombie movie the Army ends up being the bad guy. They steal, rape, and pillage over the poor survivors. So if you see them coming, run away as fast as you can.
WRONG! They may be your only chance at survival. The media portray the armed forces as subhuman killing machines who will burn babies without a hint of remorse… during peace time. Well, the media are really not your friend for the most part. They are just trying to get more viewers, and the way they do that is by having the scariest or grossest story on at 11pm. Most people don’t even know that the armed forces do more humanitarian operations than they do killing. Specifically the National Guard, which is Stateside and will always be Stateside. They are the ones that help areas of our country that are declared national emergencies. Much like what a zombie apocalypse would be.
7. Sniping a zombie from far away is easy.
Climb up in the good old book repository (too soon?) and get your trusty old sniper rifle out, huh?
WRONG! You have no idea what snipers actually do before taking a shot. One of the many skills of a modern-day sniper is mathematics. You need to factor in a lot things you aren’t thinking of to hit your target. You’ll have to measure or estimate the range, cross winds, and temperature (yes, even that can throw your trajectory off) and calculate the allowances needed to hit only the head after traveling hundreds of yards or more. Oh, and don’t forget that the zombie apocalypse happened and things are trying to eat you too. You’d be out of ammo before the first bullet missed!
8. Always aim for the head.
So you’re thinking killing a zombie is going to easy, huh? After all, every shot in the movies hits the head perfectly, no matter if it’s a bullet or an arrow… or even a slingshot. No need to practice or anything, right?
WRONG! You will miss and probably die because of it. Now, if you put a target up and have it be around 10 yards away, most of you think you’ll hit it with ease… and you probably will. But add the life and death fear of the zombies coming at you, the adrenaline pumping through you, only a headshot will do, and the fact that there are at least four more coming too. You’ll look like you went to the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. Don’t even try it with a bow or crossbow either. You’ll be a worse shot with that! Plus, after you pull the string back on a good 70-lb. bow once or twice, your arms will be jelly. You’d honestly be better off throwing the arrow or bullet and yelling “BANG!” real loud.
Categorized:Editorials Lists News
