B-Sides: Don’t Touch Tawny Kitaen’s Heart
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This Valentine’s weekend B-Sides video comes from a motion picture that dares ask the burning question: Would you be willing to die for a chance to have sex with Tawny Kitaen? Keep in mind we’re talking about 1986 Tawny Kitaen, the slithering on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video Tawny Kitaen when she was at the peak of her Tawny-ness.
Crystal Heart tells the story of the heartbreaking romance between a rising pop singer and a lovesick composer. Not just lovesick, the composer was also born without an immune system. He’s one of those bubble boys, but since his parents are stinking rich, they built him a sterile chamber made of steel and see-thru crystal walls.
Against one of these crystal walls one of the strangest sex scenes in the history of cinema occurs. Imagine a sex scene in which two naked people rub up against the plane of glass between them and simulate sex; some way, somehow, they both orgasm. All the benefits of a glory hole minus the hole still won’t be enough for the composer, so he… Just go watch the movie. Trust me. It’s worth it.
As for the B-Sides, Tawny Kitaen plays a pop singer named Ally Daniels, who, judging by this music video that appears as a scene in the movie, is an amalgamation of nearly every Reagan era pop songstress and boasts a head of hair the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Ookla the Mok. The song “Don’t Touch the Heart” (not actually sung by Kitaen) is your typically generic 80’s pop cheese, and the video is even cheesier.
Or should I say cheesecake?
A single lyric about cake inspires a sequence where Ally dances around a line of shirtless hunks holding cakes. Even worse, you will witness more music video swipes in the course of 2-1/2 minutes than in an entire season of “Dance Fever”.
You will not want your MTV after experiencing this weekend’s B-Sides: “Don’t Touch the Heart” from Crystal Heart.
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Categorized:B-Sides
