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Beneath Still Waters (DVD)

Beneath Still Waters DVD (click for larger image)Starring Ricardo Birnbaum, Ricard Borrás, Esperanza De la Vega, Patrick Gordon, Paco Hidalgo

Directed by Brian Yuzna

Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment


So, the question beckons … what exactly lies beneath still waters? Well, rather than get into a lengthy description, how about I provide you with a quick recipe so that you can figure it out for yourselves.

Step 1:
Hire genre great Brian Yuzna to helm a project full of latex, blood, and beasties.

Step 2:
Hire an entire cast of foreign actors who barely speak English and then have them deliver all of their dialogue phonetically so that it is void of any and all believability and/or emotion.

Step 3:
In terms of a storyline generously stir in one part John Carpenter’s The Fog or any other film whose plot consists of a town with a dark past.

Step 4:
To that plot line, add in a dash of anything written by H. P. Lovecraft.

Step 5:
From there sprinkle in a fifth of a cup of villain who resembles an effeminate version of Angus Scrimm’s The Tall Man of Phantasm fame.

Beneath Still Waters DVD (click for larger image)Step 6:
Blend in three quarters of a cup of horrid CGI.

Step 7:
Add four tablespoons of obligatory and totally nonsensical orgy complete with house band. Olé!

Step 8:
Before serving, remove five full minutes of gore and assorted other goodies for an American DVD release and hope no one realizes that there’s an unrated version of the same film already available on DVD (which you can order by clicking here).

Step 9:
Hit “puree” and blend for ninety minutes.

Step 10:
Serve up a bare bones disc upon a hopeful public who are just looking for a good scare.

There you have it, folks! So what is the name for this concoction that answers the aforementioned question?

Cinematic Failure Salad! Be warned. There’s no Heimlich Maneuver in the world that can save you from gagging on this poorly assembled, laughably bad, absolute waste of time.

Enjoy.

Special Features
Trailers for films a lot better than this


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Steve Barton

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.