Friday the 13th - Jason's Top 13 Horniest Kills
In the world of Friday the 13th, “Death and Sex” replaces the old “Death and Taxes” adage with endless reliability. Jason’s always on the prowl for more victims, and what better way for him to pad his numbers than by catching folks not only amidst the throes of passion but also in their euphoric comedowns?
In honor of this week's Friday the 13th, presented here for your, uh, pleasure are the 13 horniest kills in Friday the 13th history. That is to say, the top kills built around sexual machinations in one way or another. So please slide on a rubber, stay safe and give this a read!
13. Here’s one for the both of you! (Friday the 13th Part 2)
This fan favorite was obviously going to wind up on this list. By now everyone knows this infamous dispatch of two ‘counselors in training’ was curbed from Mario Bava’s Twitch of the Death Nerve, but it doesn’t make the moment any less iconic.
Never mind that Jeff looks to be too stoned to even thrust (Or is this post-coital afterglow? The debate rages!), this double murder is a culmination of the skills acquired throughout Jason’s earliest career: stealth, strength and tenacity all combine to make this murder one for the record books.
12. I hate your face! (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
After nailing Sara in the shower, Doug (Peter Barton) goes solo, serenading his sexual conquest with a really bland singing voice and an even poorer choice of song. It seemed to irk an already overly-vicious Jason, too, for the way he decides to take Doug down is remarkably primitive and nasty – one of the many feats that distinguish The Final Chapter as the most mean-spirited Friday the 13th of them all.
This moment isn’t so much a ‘stalk and slash’ bit as much as it is Jason going on the attack: Smashing through the shower glass and grabbing a fistful of Doug’s face; there’s something really nasty about the masked slasher’s decision to simultaneously crush his skull and tear his face off.
11. No love for the classics… (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
One of my favorite kills in the whole series is the surprisingly effective combination of butcher knife and stag film. After striking out with everyone but a stuffed animal, Teddy (Lawrence Monoson) resigns to an evening of smoking grass and watching 8 mm porn.
This innocuous decision turns out to be his downfall as Jason uses the projector to his advantage, distracting and blinding the poor sod before burying half a blade deep in his skull. One of the earliest adopters of modern laptop technology deserved a far better fate than this.
10. Oh, you’re pregnant? (Friday the 13th Part 3)
The death of Debbie (Tracie Savage) is one of Friday the 13th Part 3’s more suspenseful moments as we’re never quite sure when she’s going to buy it. The theatrical poster seemed to indicate a nasty shower knifing, but that turned out to be a bit of misdirection as the requisite post-sex shower instead brings a hefty amount of tension to Debbie’s impending doom.
When she finally retreats back to her beloved hammock, she’s sent packing via a pretty nasty knifing, but I will never understand how she failed to notice the hulking behemoth mongoloid hiding below her. It also pains my heart to see a vintage issue of Fango splattered with fake blood, but such is life.
9. I’m crushing your head! (Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood)
After a healthy bout of van sex, Ben (Craig Thomas) is sent unknowingly to his death to investigate a strange noise. As it stands, Jason lies in wait and isn’t content to get this guy out of the way quickly.
If you’ve seen the “uncut” version of this death then you know it’s a spectacularly over-the-top piece of carnage in which Jason literally compacts this poor guy’s skull in what is easily among the most prolonged and unabashedly brutal moments in the entire series. The scene is capped off quite nicely with the added death of Ben’s girlfriend, Kate (Diane Almedia), who wonders what the ruckus is and takes a party horn to the eye for her troubles.
8. Get down here! (Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood)
One of the most effective deaths in The New Blood is the drowning of Sandra (Heidi Kozak). True, this kill has nothing to do with sex, per se, but Jason sure gets a gynecological eyeful as he drags the ill-fated skinny-dipper down to the depths of Crystal Lake. And there’s still an air of horniness here, as Sandra has designs on luring red-blooded Russell (perhaps the worst actor to ever grace a Friday the 13th movie, Larry Cox) into the water for a little moonlight dip. As such, his non-reaction to seeing Jason in the flesh is completely priceless. He’s axed in the face just before Jason decides to take his place beside Sandra in the calm waters of Crystal Lake.
7. Keep it up until the end of the song… (Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives)
Even though I was quite young the first time I saw Jason Lives, I realized at a very early age that my life wouldn’t truly be complete until I’d had sex to the song ‘Animal’ by Felony.
Personal fetishes aside, I’m not sure what universe Nikki (Darcy DeMoss) and Court (Tom Fridley) are in where ‘Animal’ runs north of ten minutes (my iPod version clocks in around 3:30), but holding out until the end of the song wasn’t within the realm of possibility for Court. The lovebirds are interrupted when Jason kills the power to the rockin’ camper (prompting Court to, ahem, pop), naturally taking a moment to investigate the disturbance afterwards. They play right into the hands of a diabolic Jason who pulls Nikki into the RV’s bathroom while Court understandably cranks and jams to Alice Cooper.
This whole sequence is wonderfully playful: from Jason’s initial puzzlement over the scene to the way writer/director Tom McLoughlin stages the suspense. Nikki’s impression into the RV wall is a real crowd-pleaser, as is Jason’s slow advance toward an unsuspecting Court. The hunting knife through the skull is just the icing on this slow burn of a horny cake.
6. Mirror, mirror. (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
The death of Tamara (Sharlene Martin) continues the tradition previously established by the The New Blood of getting the audience to root for the death of a merciless bitch of a character. In Part VII it was Melissa, but it’s all about Tamara this time around:
It isn’t enough that this high schooler blows coke, shamelessly manipulates those around her and conspires to lure her teacher into a sex scandal as a means of getting a good grade, but she’s also the mastermind behind the event that finds our heroine spilling overboard.
It’s unsurprising, then, that Jason makes a beeline for this mini femme fatale rather early on in the proceedings. As such, she winds up trapped in the bathroom of her cabin, where her robe is torn free and a male stunt double hilariously smashes head-first into the mirror, creating a handful of weapons for our ready and willing killer. Thrown headfirst into her vanity, Tamara’s end is something of a poetic one.
5. Spear gun to the balls. (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
Speaking of poetic: the smarmiest, most unlikeable douche in Friday 4 meets his end in the most appropriate way imaginable. In a move that can only be described as incomprehensible, Paul (Alan Hayes) jilts the absolutely stunning Samantha (Judie Aronson) in favor of slow dancing with one of the twin sisters he’d met hours earlier.
Of course, Paul has an 11th hour crisis of conscience and heads out to find poor Samantha, who has already been stabbed to death and left to rot in a raft in the middle of Crystal Lake. Paul finds her, freaks out and frantically heads back to shore where Jason is waiting…
The spear gun kill is unquestionably brutal, but needed in this case. Swift and brutal justice dealt to the guilty head … one doesn’t smite Judie Aronson and get away with it.
4. Exactly how long was she under there? (Friday the 13th)
The death of Jack (Kevin Bacon) in the original Friday the 13th is mainly remembered for the Tom Savini special effect, but repeat viewings reveal the scene to be a lot creepier for a long longer. Considering the way in which the scene plays out, Mrs. Voorhees must’ve been under that bed for a long time, waiting and planning.
Of course, she’s lucky that Jack and Marcy weren’t a kinkier couple. What if they’d decided to have sex on the floor or worse, the top bunk (where Ned’s corpse was stashed, lest anyone forget)?
Luckily it played out as expected, meaning Mrs. Voorhees probably had to put up with the bouncing mattress bottom brushing against her face. No wonder she couldn’t wait to take Jack out of the equation.
3. There go your peepers. (Friday the 13th – A New Beginning)
Not sure what pseudo-Jason had against eyes, but it seems like he was destroying them every chance he got (poor Gramps). Consider the scene where Tina (Debisue Voorhees) and Eddie (John Robert Dixon) sneak off for a little roll in the woods…
Basking in a post sexual glow, Tina’s eyes are carved out when everyone’s favorite disgruntled ambulance driver takes a pair of hedge clippers to them. Eddie returns to discover her body and finds his head locked against a tree with a leather belt strap. His skull is crushed as the belt constricts around his eyes, leaving him to die a very uncomfortable death.
The gleeful sadism of Friday 5 is in full force in this scene (especially with the homeless voyeur hilariously dispatched in between our two big deaths) – and it’s just one of the many reasons I adore every frame of it.
2. Homo-erotic … shaving? (Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday)
What is this I don’t even …
Admittedly, this particular moment might be better suited for one of the other Friday the 13th features I’m planning this week, but it’s so bizarre and overtly sexual that I’m compelled to post it here.
I will never understand why Josh (Andrew Bloch) is nude or why Jason gives him a clean shave before taking possession of his body. In fact, I don’t understand a damn thing about this scene. Does it tell us more than we want to know about Jason? That he’s a metrosexual at heart? Why the shave, otherwise? But, again, why is Josh naked?
Jason stripped him, bound him, shaved him, possessed him and then dressed back up in his clothes? Is there something sexual about this scene? Absolutely. It’s intended to keep the audience off-balance, although it does so at the expense of our beloved summer camp slasher, who has never behaved this strangely before or since.
1. Tent split! (Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday)
It’s odd that Jason Goes to Hell’s most memorable bit was only added to the film after the producers felt like it needed a few more “classic” kills.
Deborah (Michelle Clunie) rides Luke (Michael Silver) halfway to o-town before Jason plunges a rail spike into her back, splitting her in half. Blood splats all over an understandably upset Luke in what is an admittedly amazing special effects sequence by the maestros at K.N.B (remember, you have to see the unrated cut).
With the exception of the prolonged sex scene in the 2009 Friday the 13th, this is easily the most graphic moment in the series as far as sexuality goes. Having Jason so brutally intrude feels like the ultimate snarky commentary on “safe sex” – especially considering the condom discussion at the beginning of the scene.
Now, if someone could explain why the hell Luke refers to himself as ”Tony the Wonder Llama”, I’d be satisfied.
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