Bonejangles (2017)
Matt Boiselle
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Starring Kelly Misek Jr, Jamie Scott Gordon, Julia Cavanaugh
Directed by Brett DeJager
There are films over the course of one’s viewing history that could be deemed as abhorrent, execrable or even downright moronic, but I truly think I’ve laid eyes upon a film that could be charged with a felonious assault on my already dwindling intelligence…ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Bonejangles.
Right off the bat, it’s clear as crystal that this film wasn’t constructed to be illuminated as austere in any sense, however the problem is that the damn movie isn’t funny on any level, either. Mr. Bonejangles, a supernatural serial killer has been taken down for what everyone hopes is the last time, and he’s being escorted to the town of Argento, and then locked up deep within the darkened walls of Smith’s Grove Sanitarium…and no, I’m not joking in the least. Assigned to escort the hulking murderer are a group of cops that even the rejects from the Police Academy films would look at and shake their heads in disgust. Bojangles’s backstory revolves around an ages-old prostitute (and part-time succubus) who places a sex-curse upon those whom she bedded over the course of her life – they do the nasty, and the fellas come back to raise some hell as a zombie on the anniversary of her death. One of the lead characters has a secret in store for the relentless sadist, and there’s even a bit of a budding romance tossed in for good measure, although I feel mistaken in offering the word “good” in any context when it comes to this train wreck of a production.
The issues here with this film are lengthy, repetitive and far too numerous for a movie that only sported a 70+ minute run time – performances bordered on hapless, the dialogue was the stuff of an 8th grade script-writing project, and what was initially intended as goofy humor reminded me of garbage insults we all used to fling at each other back in middle school. I know that the emphasis was placed on a feel-good, don’t-take-this-seriously endeavor, but come on for Pete’s sake – this was simply wasted time. If I did have to search for a bright light, it would be Elissa Dowling as the centuries-old seductress, ranting her curse to terrified onlookers was a nice breath of skimpy air, but even the balding ice-cream man we’ve all come to love and adore, Reggie Bannister, had a wasted performance here. When all was said and done, I couldn’t wait to hit the stop button on this mess – if it’s high-school humor you’re after, by all means, round up the teens and let them revel in this one, but if your taste runs a little north of “potty and jerking off” puns, then I’ll advise you to step around this one slowly and easily…we don’t want to disturb anyone.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
