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Bite School (2016)

biteschool 243x300 - Bite School (2016)Starring James Balsamo, Ron Jeremy, Herschell Gordon Lewis

Directed by James Balsamo


You want Oscar-quality performances in your films, complete with a heartwarming tale to accompany it, complemented by an award-winning score, all totaling up to a resplendent motion picture experience? Well then, I’m sure that there are plenty of stale, generic coffee-table horseshit movies for you to sink your teeth into…but if it’s boobs, blood, bodacious babes, and basically boundless bunches of brutishness, then it’s gotta be Balsamo.

James Balsamo, that is – he’s the lead inmate at the asylum (gently known as Acid Bath Productions), and he’s been putting out these large slices of depravity for some time now, and his latest, Bite School, is no exception to the “abandonment of good taste” rule.

Balsamo (who also directed) stars as Tony Canoni, a fast-living billionaire whose way of life includes endless amounts of drugs, sleazy women and partying at the drop of a hat. His out-of-control ways have led to a falling out with his grandfather (the late, great H.G. Lewis), and before Tony can undergo any more debauched activity, his fortune is sawed off at the knee. Down and out, Tony ends up residing on the street and taking up with a new pal – together they decide that the only way to get their lives back in check is to get their G.E.D.s at night school. Once enrolled, Tony’s inner cupid becomes intrigued with a girl that has a pappy with an overprotective nature…okay, enough bullshitting – Dad’s a vampire. Seems that dead old dad isn’t the least bit happy about his little girl spending time with Tony, and he is now imploring her to take command of a small bloodsucker army to decimate Tony and all that stand alongside him.

Balsamo’s performance in this one is pure insanity – he normally is the lead in his films, and with that comes a sense of unhinged allowance – he goes off the wall with his portrayals of his characters, but if you’ve met the guy in real life, you’d know that he’s not acting the role, which makes it infinitely more entertaining. Alongside his work in this film is an absolute laundry-list of cameos that include Butch Patrick, John Dugan, Jasmine St. Claire, Sarah French and Ari Lehman (trust me, there are many more), and it all adds up to utter mindless fun, but isn’t that the point?

I could drone on and on about this one for a calendar month, but I can simply offer up this advice to ya: The movie is goofy, it’s pointless, and it’s total absurdity from start to finish. Frankly, the day that a Balsamo film comes out that isn’t like the aforementioned descriptive, then someone had better call an exorcist, because the man’s body and soul have been taken over. These films certainly won’t appeal to the collective, but they do have a following, and if it’s a smoke-laden, booze-fueled bloody boob-fest that you’re after, might I introduce you to the world of Acid Bath Productions? Shut off your brains and allow this one to play on – it’s worth a watch strictly for the laughs.

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Written by Matt Boiselle

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