10 Christmas Movies That Need To Be Remade Into Slashers
Sharai Bohannon
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It’s that magical time of year when we slip on something cozy and look for some holiday-themed horror movies. Luckily, there is never a shortage of those. However, a new trend I noticed is taking a basic Christmas movie but making it a slasher. I had a decent enough time with The Mean One last year, the movie that saw David Howard Thornton’s blood-thirsty and unofficial version of The Grinch terrorize a place that is not not Who-ville.
However, this year, I am a little obsessed with It’s a Wonderful Knife which takes It’s A Wonderful Life and adds blood, fun, and queer characters. Because this title is possibly my new favorite winter horror movie, and I have no chill, I started thinking about other classic Christmas movies that could amp up their inherent creepy vibes. These movies are already on the cusp of being horror movies anyway. They just need a character to pick up a knife to really make them sing.
That’s why I’m happy to present a holiday streaming guide of ten Christmastime gems that I want to see lean into the slasher subgenre immediately.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Where You Can Watch: Apple TV+
In this classic piece of Christmas cinema, Charlie Brown takes it upon himself to get everyone in the holiday spirit by producing a play. However, the other kids make fun of the sad little tree he found for the production, and he has to show them the true meaning of Christmas. There is a perfect horror movie built in there already, but no one has claimed it yet. A severely bullied kid in the high-stress environment of elementary school theatre is the recipe for the perfect slasher. Charlie Brown will show them the meaning of Christmas alright. One kill at a time!
A Christmas Story (1983)
Where You Can Watch: Max
A kid begs for a fancy Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. This movie has moments of sheer terror like the child getting his tongue stuck to a pole. Or the haunting “you’ll shoot your eye out” taunt that rivals Carrie’s “They are all going to laugh at you” moment. However, I want to direct your attention to the most “fra-geee-lay“ scene. Most dads are weird and scary by default. So, I always wondered what would have happened had that leggy lamp not been a lamp. What if it had been a neighbor’s actual leg? Or maybe a relative who pushed Dad over the edge. I think Daddy going on a Christmas-time killing spree would be the most memorable holiday story.
Elf (2015)
Where You Can Watch: Max
A kid raised among the elves in Santa’s workshop grows up and decides to hunt down his real dad in New York. While most of you probably read that as one of your favorite Christmas watches, I see a movie that offers two killing sprees. What if Buddy realizes he is not like the others and snaps in the workshop, forcing Santa to tell him the truth? Then what if this man who believed he was the tallest elf takes Manhattan in the way Jason Voorhees never really did? He would obviously start with the dad’s office before hitting the streets. I think a homicidal man who looks like an extra from a Target holiday ad running around the streets taking people out with a candy cane could be cinema.
The Holiday (2006)
Where You Can Watch: Hulu
Two women, one from America and one from England, swap homes for the Christmas holiday after breaking up with their respective romantic partners. While this movie devolves into romance, that would never happen on my watch. In the slasher makeover this movie deserves, these two ladies meet online while looking for someone to ax their exes. My leads are going to be so busy helping the other one put the past behind her, that they won’t have time for the local men and Hallmark moments. Having a stranger fly in from across the pond to take the trash out is the perfect crime. Plus they both get to travel and make a new bestie.
Home Alone (1990)
Where You Can Watch: Disney+ and Starz
When an eight-year-old’s family accidentally leaves him at home for the holiday, he has to protect the family home from intruders. Because this Christmas movie already has child neglect and a home invasion baked in, there is not much else to do here. Although, I do think we could push it to bloodier extremes. Imagine this kid pulled a more successful Michael Myers after not getting his way one too many times. Maybe the burglars are about to bite off more than they can chew when they break into a house of horrors and then have to fight for their lives against a kid who has been taking notes from Jigsaw for some wildly inventive traps. I think the chaotic violent version of Kevin McCallister was what was missing from Better Watch Out. There, I said it!
Last Holiday (2006)
Where You Can Watch: Paramount+ and Pluto TV
A woman discovers she has a terminal illness, which prompts her to clean out her savings and decide to live her best life. While this movie falls for the trap of romance and good vibes, my version would skip over that. As a Gemini, I have a list of people who tried me on hand. So, I want our lead to go on a Kill Bill-style journey where she clears all the people who thought they got away with crossing her. Think John Wick meets She Never Died with the level of focus of the first Terminator. Only the killer is a type-A bad bitch with nothing left to lose. This would truly earn the title of Last Holiday because it would be the final one for so many people.
Love Actually (2003)
Where You Can Watch: Netflix
This divisive tale follows eight couples in London whose lives are interconnected as they navigate the chaotic month of December. Off the bat, we need to lose the kid couples or age them up drastically so they can get into Skins (the UK version, not that weird American version) level of drama. This should absolutely be the steamiest tale of betrayal and murder we have ever seen. I’m talking about cheating husbands catching knives in the back, first dates with serial killers, violence in the shops, and pure mayhem. However, we are keeping the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” needle drop because I am no monster.
Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Where You Can Watch: Disney+, Hulu, and Prime Video
A woman hires an old guy to play Santa, but she soon regrets that when he starts telling people that he’s really Old Saint Nick. Anyone who has lived in a city has met an old guy or two who needs you to believe he’s Santa. So, that’s a shared weird experience most of the audience can relate to, making it harder to impress them. While we have also seen lots of serial killers don the red suit in horror, I think this one could really take the cake by keeping it simple. I choose to ruin this movie for you by letting this guy be St. Nicholas. After causing mayhem at the mall, he will be coming down a chimney near you because he recently broke out of Mrs. Claus’ prison and is ready to check his naughty list. Bonus points if we get Mr. and Mrs. Claus to have a final showdown when she comes to end his killing spree for good.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Where You Can Watch: Max
A perfect Christmas with the perfect family is ruined when a man’s cousin shows up with a camper filled with unwanted guests. I could write essays about classism and question why people were still casting Chevy Chase. However, I am choosing violence as usual. I want to see these two families go head to head in the ultimate grudge match. Think Us, but heavy on the slasher and attempted identity theft. Because this camper full of family is tired of these suburbanites thinking they are better than them. They are going to eat the rich this Christmas, one relative at a time.
White Christmas (1954)
Where You Can Watch: Netflix
Two singing and swinging acts join forces to put on a show to help a man whose quaint country inn is not doing well. This Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney vehicle probably had the great-grandparents tapping their toes. Unsurprisingly, a musical number is not going to cut it in this bloody version. In a new modern world, we need new modern solutions. If you really want to put an inn on the map, you have to get it in the news. When my slashers with a heart of gold are done with this place, it will be the Psycho and Tragedy Girls mash-up no one asked for. The only Christmas miracle in this movie will be had by our final girl…at least until the sequel.
While none of my ideas may ever see the light of day, It’s a Wonderful Knife is coming to Shudder on December 1, 2023. Go watch it so we can gush about it together! You should also tell me if there is a Christmas movie you think deserves the slasher treatment at @misssharai.
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