Silent Hill Monsters Ranked by How Much I Wanna Give Them A Little Forehead Kiss
I’m a girl who’s made peace with her demons, which means where once I was scared, I now adore a little freak. Is that a slithering wet parasitic abomination on my spaceship? Somebody needs uppies! I see a horror beyond comprehension inside the decaying walls of my childhood home? Tuckies and night night time. Staring into the interdimensional gaping maw of unparalleled terror and grief, with too many tentacles? Baby girl just needs someone to stare right back and buy them some chicky tendies. No horror franchise has better, more nerve-shredding, nightmare-inducing creatures quite like Silent Hill. And I just wanna shower them with motherly love and affection.
Here’s the definitive ranking of Silent Hill monsters based upon the scientifically backed standard of how much I wanna give them a little forehead kiss.
10. Monocle Man
One of the briefest encounters in the entire franchise is this stretched-out face who doesn’t attack you but taunts you in Silent Hill Downpour. Some of the worst people I’ve dated were wannabe standup comedians (sorry), so while I do find some charm in this fleshy oddity, my forehead kiss is more out of pity than anything else. I mean, he’s just sitting there alone waiting for someone to come along. Maybe his derisive humor is a small cry for attention?)
9. Mumblers
These things from the first Silent Hill are toddler-sized with big mouths and big hands, deriving their name from the way they mumble at you as they get close. Personally, they look more like a reject from Princess Bubblegum’s Candy Kingdom in Adventure Time than any kind of twisted flesh demon trauma metaphor. I think a good swaddling would ease everyone’s mood in those dark corridors. Has anyone deciphered what the mumbles are? Who’s to say it’s not just asking to be picked up? Don’t worry, little baby, some warm milk and a good night kiss to send you off to dreamland.
8. Scarlet
This boss monster from Silent Hill: Homecoming is a giant lanky doll born from the blood of a doctor guilt-ridden over his daughter’s murder. She seems to have a slight insect influence to her design, as a fracture in her head allows her mouth to open to a perfect head-biting size, and during her boss fight she scuttles around on all fours – like a blend of a praying mantis and a spider. Scarlet is like an embodiment of feminine vengeance, and we all know righteous female rage is the most divine kind there is. I want to give her a forehead kiss, as I foolishly whisper to myself “I could fix her.”
7. Eileen Head
One of the best non-jumpscare jumpscares in all of Silent Hill history is the giant head in Silent Hill 4, a manifestation of the main character’s invasion of her privacy. Another non-combatant monster, she just does two things: breathes and stares. Her eyes will twitch erratically if you get too close. There’s debate over whether her breathing is meant to be expressive of the labored breathing through tubes in a hospital or of a more, shall we say, spicy nature. I’m very curious to see if she would blush from a little forehead kiss.
6. Groaners
Like the horrific, juicy lovechild of the dogs from Resident Evil and the dog from The Thing, Groaners are emaciated, vicious furballs roaming the streets in the first Silent Hill. Lacking eyes but containing oversized jaws, they function somewhat like the T. rex in Jurassic Park: if you stay quiet or don’t move, they can’t see you. But if you do, chomp chomp! I bet these puppers just need a nice walk and a treat. No feral dog is ever born ferocious or wants to remain so. Our faithful companions on this planet only understand praise! Groaners are no different, they just need something to counter their neglect. They might not be able to see me, but they’ll definitely feel my gentle forehead kiss!
5. The Glutton
While not a boss fight or traditional monster, the Glutton is still a major obstacle for the player in Silent Hill 3, containing multiple mouths, tentacle-esque appendages, and wrapped in decaying skin. Oh, and she’s suspended in a cage. She is passive, mostly there to just kinda…pulse at you, which leads me to believe she’s not here to be a threat. She’s just waiting around for her prince or princess charming. Apparently, she is supposed to represent a vagina, which is why my lesbian ass is fully primed to give a sweet little kiss on the forehead (er…uh…where is the head exactly? It’s cool, I’ll figure it out).
4. Caliban
This boss from Silent Hill: Origins looks at first bear-like, but then you realize those are its hind legs contorted over its shoulders like some insane yoga instructor. The name is a reference to Shakespeare’s The Tempest, and fittingly represents Alessa’s fear of a costume she saw. Caliban is formidable simply for its size, and yet, looks pretty soft and huggable all the same. I wouldn’t mind having a nap on top of its tummy, like Mei and Totoro. Instant forehead kiss, followed by scritches (I wonder if it would kick its arm-leg like a doggy).
3. The Split Worm
The first boss of the third Silent Hill game seems like a giant turd from hell, lurching around the dark tunnels before unfurling itself to reveal a mouth the size of a person—which is to say, he’s a very kissable baby boy. What is that big split of flesh if not just a peekaboo moment? The Split Worm isn’t even all that dangerous during the fight. Honestly, the way it seems to patiently watch after baring its fangs to you is reminiscent of when my dog is waiting for appraisal of her squeaky toy. I bet that big ol’ worm bod would feel so warm if wrapped around you. Shai-hulud eat your heart out.
2. Twin Victim
Also known as Doublehead, this sweet cherub is two conjoined baby heads wrapped in a dirty smock and walking around on two giant adult arms. Interestingly, they don’t actually want to attack the player unless provoked, and will just sit there staring. When they do go into fight mode, they tear around the room and flail around with childlike screeches like a toddler having a tantrum. Maybe it’s the mom in me, but I just can’t look at this freak and not want to just scoop ‘em up in my arms for coo-ing and soothing, putting them high up on this list for soft little forehead kisses. Plus, two heads means double the foreheads to smooch!
1. Red Pyramid Thing (Pyramid Head)
The internet has managed to turn this iconic video game villain from main character James Sunderland’s shadow self into an object of pure thirst. So much so that the original designer actually regrets creating Pyramid Head for the degree to which his intended meaning has been lost in subsequent art and video game appearances. With that in mind, I feel like Red Pyramid Thing was never truly a monster in the traditional sense. In fact, it seems to only act according to how James subconsciously needs it to (you can pretty much just stay passive during the first fight and it’ll just wander off). Perhaps that’s the greatest twist of Silent Hill 2, more so than the reveal with James’ wife: Pyramid Head was really just a reflection of James, and in a lot of ways, acted as a therapeutic guide.
Anyone familiar with IFS therapy will recognize the point I’m trying to make here. Pyramid Head is not a tormenting force of evil but a wounded part of James that aches to be integrated. And for that, I put it as the #1 Silent Hill creature that deserves a nice fat forehead kiss. Even if I end up with tetanus from the rusted metal of that donkus head.
Honorable mention: Mira
The most incomprehensible and hilarious game ending to ever exist is Mira the Shiba at the end of Silent Hill 2, revealed to be the puppet master of all the events in the story (to which James falls to his knees in brain-melting realization). Mira, as the only empirically ‘cute’ aspect of anything in the Silent Hill franchise, would seem an obvious pick for my list. But I think she is beyond my quantifications. If the events of the town are in fact the work of an adorable little dog playing God, then I would not give that dog a forehead kiss. In fact, dear reader, it would be my forehead that would be deemed worthy enough to receive a kiss.
Categorized:Editorials
