Starring Tad Hilgenbrink, Angus Sutherland, Autumn Resser, Corey Feldman
Directed by P.J. Pesce
Distributed by Warner Home Entertainment
“Sometimes dead is better” — Jud Crandall, Pet Sematary
And dead is what the possibility of this movie ever happening should have stayed. We waited over twenty years for a sequel to The Lost Boys and got this? From the opening moments of the film when we see that the Sax Man is now tubby, I knew we were in trouble, and believe me seeing that dude’s belly jiggling turned out to be one of the brightest spots of this total and complete mess of a movie. Wow, where to begin?
Chris (Hilgenbrink) and Nicole (Resser) suffer a family tragedy that leaves our brother and sister duo to fend for themselves in Luna Bay, California, which happens to be home to another band of vamps with a taste for blood and a love for extreme sports. Yep, nothing goes better with being undead than a little skateboarding and motocross. Of course Nicole ends up in the clutches of Shane (Angus Sutherland, real-life half brother of Kiefer, whom from now on I shall only refer to as The Sutherland because I refuse to believe any one human being can be so void of acting talent. This dude has to be like some form of scientifically created genetic freak or something. More on him later). Good thing for Chris, Edgar Frog (a returning Feldman spouting all the same dialogue from the first film) is in the neighborhood to help him save his sister and put a stop to all of the undead nonsense that’s been transpiring.
Now for The Sutherland. From the second this thing opens its mouth, things go from bad to worse. The Sutherland apparently has been programmed to believe that the best way to play a lead vampire is to channel the essences of Sean Penn’s characterization of Jeff Spicoli and street magician David Blaine, and then mix the two with a stiff piece of cardboard thrown in for good measure. This thing just cannot emote. Its face barely even moves when it speaks. It’s akin to watching a ventriloquist mouth words for his dummy. It’s as if The Sutherland wasn’t even trying. For you morbid curiosity seekers out there, this actually needs to be seen and heard to be believed. The Sutherland is out there. Pray he doesn’t ruin any more films, and sleep with one eye open.
The DVD and the Blu-ray release share the same exact special features, but before I get into them, I have to address something odd about the Blu-ray — namely, that this transfer is probably one of the grainiest and unsightly things ever pressed onto a disc. Ever wonder what bad computer generated film grain looks like in full 1080p? Here’s your chance to find out. Wait, I’ll save you the trouble. It looks like shit. Moving on …
Then there are the two alternate endings. Normally I’d put up a spoiler alert, but I cannot imagine anything that I say could further spoil this experience. If you watch the film a little past the credits, you will see a sequence in which Feldman has a brief showdown with Vampire Haim. If that isn’t enough for you, we see them together twice more in the alternate endings. These were wisely excised. Not because they’re any worse than the rest of the movie but because Haim can barely get a sentence out without stumbling over his own words. It’s a truly sad exclamation point on what should have been, at least on some level, movie magic. Tack on four music videos, and thankfully we’re done. Not a minute too soon either. I don’t think I could have taken much more.
Do yourself a favor. When it comes to a night with The Lost Boys, watch the original instead. This sequel seems as if it wanted to please the fans, but ultimately it plays like more of an insult to us than anything else. Consider yourself warned.
Special Features
1 out of 5
Special Features:
2 1/2 out of 5
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