Directed(!) by Ana Clavell and James Glenn Dudelson
Distributed by HBO Home Video
Before I begin, please allow me a moment to go and punch my fist through a wall.
…
OK! Thanks! Why did I do that, you ask? I want to feel the pain in my hand as I type this. I want blood to pour from my knuckles with every keystroke. That is the only way I will ever remember to never, ever, under any circumstances, watch anything else that seeps from the leaky bowels of Taurus Entertainment again.
You see, I am a fool. I honestly believed that it just couldn’t get any worse than Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (review here). How wrong I was. What we have here is another putrid shit-fest with a numeral at the end, thus marketing it as the latest entry in a franchise that was once successful. I have seen the faces of cinematic evil. Dudelson and Clavell be thy names.
There’s no doubt Creepshow is one of the most beloved films in our genre. Hell, even Creepshow 2 had its moments. But this? It’s as if Dudelson and Clavell never even watched those movies. Together they have managed to take everything that was good about them and piss all over it, thereby producing an in name only third installment that is void of any character, depth, integrity, scares, or feeling.
From there we are then treated to several vignettes that are so poorly written, acted, and directed that I simply cannot bring myself to rehash them for you. If you’re curious about what you’re missing, just check out my far too charitable colleague Johnny Butane’s review of Creepshow 3 here. My stomach simply can’t handle it.
After the mind-numbingly bad segments that are unabashedly passed off as coherent stories, things are then wrapped up with a pretty little bow as all the tales tie together and our diabolical fast-food peddler shows his true colors by letting his face get melted off via the worst CGI I have ever seen in my entire life. The poorness of this scene nearly defies description. It’s as if the artist(!) animating this bit (probably the same thirteen-year-old with the nifty Flash program) was suddenly seized by an epileptic fit while working on it, only to say to himself, “Aw, fuck it. No one’s ever gonna watch this anyway.” In a perfect world, my jittery friend.
But what of the extras? Dare I watch them?
Usually when a film is this bad I get rid of it. It could very well infect the other films in my library with its ever so sour stench of suck. However, I’m gonna keep this one. Only because my conscience cannot let it slip back into circulation. I must keep it off the streets. I do have a heart you know.
In closing I have a message for Dudelson and Clavell … you should be ashamed of yourselves. Think of all the uninformed and unfortunate fans who will pick this up thinking it’s the newest installment in a franchise that was once great. Oh wait, you have thought of them. They’re the ones you’re counting on to line your pockets by purchasing this worthless cash-in. Let me be the first reviewer to offer you both the finger on behalf of horror fans everywhere. Given lovingly with my bruised and bleeding hand.
Special Features
Making-of featurette
0 out of 5
Special Features:
1/2 out of 5
Please do not discuss Creepshow 3 in our forums. Just let it crawl away and die.