The press has been invited by Pavel Pranevsky, AKA “The Director”, a demented Slovakian auteur once hired by Universal to make the most hardcore horror film ever made. We’re shown footage of Pranevsky’s extreme work-in-progress (which looks suspiciously like Un Chien Andalou) and told that the Universal execs had second thoughts regarding the sociopathic director. Upon his termination, Pranevsky fled deep into the wilderness behind the studio and now roams the back-lots of Universal, determined to finish his bloody masterpiece with the park’s visitors as his new cast.
The event kicks off with the Zombie Graduation ceremony, presided by a demented undertaker who sounds exactly like Clancy Brown. One by one, the recently deceased receive their diplomas and head out into the audience to terrorize party-goers for the rest of the evening. Several drinks and one large buzz later, we decide to leave the party and (not unlike the walking dead) stumble out into the theme park for some action.
First stop: The Asylum – a giant walk-through mental hospital where the lunatics have taken over. This place is as good as haunted house attractions get, dishing out all the gory goods and even making this writer jump a few times. Is it time for a change of underwear? Outside eclectic percussion/electronic/experimental band The Mutaytor blasts through the night on stage with blistering drum sets, burlesque acrobatics, and ten-foot high pyrotechnics. You could easily waste the entire night watching their act.
We feel ourselves start to sober up, so we run back to the party for more drinks and make our way over to Chucky’s Insult Emporium, where the killer doll dispenses his unique brand of raunchy insults to audience members (the “warning” signs plastered all over are well justified). After about ten minutes, we’ve had our fill of the routine and make our way over to the big attraction: The Terror Tram.
Next door is the most impressive thing in the entire park: A destroyed neighborhood from Spielberg’s War of the Worlds set that has been converted into a full-on zombie apocalypse. The sheer sight of this place automatically makes one hunger for a $200 million dollar Romero movie. We walk on and on, watching the undead feast on hapless victims and stumble through the ruins of houses and crashed planes. Just when it looks like there’s no end to the zombie invasion, the tram comes back around and picks us up, taking us through a trippy rotating tunnel and finally back to the studio.
Minor quibbles aside; Universal has kept up their streak of excellence with the annual Halloween event. In fact, they do it so well, one can’t help but ask: Why the hell don’t these guys make more horror films?
Special thanks to Universal for giving us one helluva night and David and Diana for all the juicy pictures. Halloween Horror Nights will be at both the Los Angeles and Orlando parks throughout the month of October, so get your ass out there. It’s well worth it!