Welcome back to HorrorScopes, Dread Central’s weekly feature devoted to helping you navigate the scariest challenges of everyday life. My name is Kristal Lake, I am a renowned astrologist based in the woods near the great Standing Stone. I’ve been acquired by the powers that be to help you map out your week with honest —and sometimes scary— advice.
A word of caution from this contributor: do not seek what thou cannot understand. The veil between this world and the next is thin and sticky, so I’d like to keep as many readers safe from the Sleeping Darkness as possible. I’m sure there will be a few casualties, but that’s to be expected.
Are you ready to get a head start on your life? Tired of waiting around for the universe to make the decisions for you? No more. Today you take the goat by the horns, you stare into its eyes and you mutter: Shub-Niggurath. So let’s begin.
Here are your HorrorScopes for September 24th – October 1st:
The pain of being dead is terrible, no mystery there. There’s a feeling of your entire corpse turning in on itself, sort of like it’s being burned alive. There’s just one solution, but we both know it’s only temporary. For long-lasting relief, I suggest finding a group of isolated teens — knock them off all at the same time so you can ensure a full week supply of flesh. Human meat will stave off your suffering, and everyone knows the younger the meat the better! Eating your meals alive is always the most effective way to absorb nutrients, but living meals do have the tendency to escape.
The woods are a good place to find comfort in these unpredictable times. They’re cold, they’re dead, and they’re far away from the Hessians and the soldiers. Sometimes, however, stray dogs do wander so do not talk to strangers this week. All you can do is go off on your own, find a cozy cave and behead little bluejays for your magical concoctions. Isolation isn’t so bad. It’s also worth noting your sister doesn’t have your best intentions at heart this week. I think it’s better if you take off her head with a hatchet. You know, just in case.
You and I both know that winter isn’t going to do any of us any favours. Your chances of survival aren’t high this year, but hey, you’ve surprised me before. When danger is on the horizon I want you to close your eyes really tight and think about your loved ones — they’ll hear you if you try hard enough. But will you be able to live with yourself if they perish? Will you be able to stomach survival if you’re the reason they all bleed to death in the foyer? Just don’t call for me. I’m still trying to beat the Breath of the Wild extension pack.
You’re well-suited to be a leader, like it or not. Alas, there are upsides to power that maybe you haven’t had the time to consider. Anyone who has done you wrong will be accounted for. Anyone who hurt you, anyone who means you ill: they are all at your mercy. Show them none. Stand on your haunches and tip your chin to the sky. Roar and expel that black bile from your small belly. They will soon feel the cold embrace of black. You will end everything, claim this world, and devour it as your own. Best of luck this week.
Do you feel stuck and restricted by the status quo? Does everyone around you seem like they’re frozen in the same cycle of daily monotony? This could continue for years — or even the rest of your if you’re not careful. Unless you somehow disrupt the system you’ll be—as poet laureate Jewel says—standing still. You’re a creature of many colors; pick that hobby back up! So what if it doesn’t bring you an income. Money isn’t everything. Money is worthless in that hallway of endless pain. Besides, if you really want to, you can get that cross-stitch project up on Etsy. There’s a huge horror community on there. I’ve looked.
Toxicity in the workplace is going to be a theme this coming week. Some folks have the best intentions, sure, but they don’t have the skills to appropriately direct their rage. Don’t take it personally. Besides, it’s not them who you’ve got to worry about this week. It’s the Night. That’s the real concern. You’re a toughie, no argument there. But I still suggest securing the doors and windows during the after hours. Stay indoors. Don’t go outside. Be careful.
Hey, babe. If you start to feel the familiar rage bubbling back up, don’t be too hard on yourself. I know how hard you’ve been trying to keep it all together. You’ve been doing great, and we really don’t want you to discredit all of that work for one little mishap. Things happen, people get hurt. It’s all a part of life. What matters is that you’re trying to correct the course, and honestly, the progress is really evident. There’s always going to be a little collateral damage. Focus on the positive this week. We’re really proud of you. We’re watching.
I’m not going to piss on your leg and tell you it’s raining. Being eaten alive isn’t an ideal way to go no matter how you slice it. The pain is excruciating and it lasts for a lot longer than you’d probably expect. You’re not going to make it, so my only suggestion is to close your eyes. You don’t want to watch your guts being ripped out. Anxiety can make the pain of being devoured alive much worse. Sometimes a good antihistamine can take the edge off. If you can pass out, that’s always ideal. See you soon, sweets.
When you awaken to the soft scratching sound at your window, I don’t want you to move. Keep your eyes shut and keep your mind empty. Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see what’s in there. If you do, you’ll find your little feet slip out of bed. You’ll find yourself tip-toeing to the window. It’ll be too late. So think about that place your parents told you about when you were younger. The calm oasis in your mind. Go there. Who’s there? Is that your grandmother? Don’t look into her eyes. She’s not your grandma anymore. All that’s left is hunger and darkness. All that’s left is death.
The best advice I can offer you this week is: you’ll never be able to please everyone. No matter how hard you try. There are too many of them to even try. They’re standing together and they’re smiling big ugly fake smiles. Their eyes are wide and crying. The smiles are wide, sharp, little traps. They want what you can’t give them. They want to come back. I wish I could say this wasn’t possible, but they’ve seen you. They’ve seen you and they want you. Don’t let them take you. You have to get out of here. You have to go back. The farther you wander, the easier it will be for them to take hold.
First times are never easy. First times are scary. They’re also difficult when you have big shoes to fill. There’s an expectation on you this week that will seem impossible to surmount. You can’t be anyone other than yourself, and if others have a problem with that, it’s your job to block out that static. What matters is that you do your best. You’re here for a reason. There are a million others out there who would kill to be where you are. Don’t let the haters get to you. They just want everything to stay the same, but that’s just not how it works. It’s your turn to shine now. It’s your time to make those deviants suffer. Do it for your boy. Do it for him. I believe in you, babe.
Do you ever fantasize about role reversal? Do you ever lay awake at night and imagine what it would be like to be on the other side of the chase? That’s totally normal. Sure, it’s in your nature to be the one taking names and butchering the beasts. I’m never going to take that away from you. Sometimes, however, it can be a thrill to turn the tables. Sometimes letting go of the power can be exhilarating. I’m not here to kink shame. I’m here to tell you that being the sub can be really rewarding once in a while. Let your partner take control. Be the victim for once. It’ll change your life — if it doesn’t end it…
If you’re not happy with your reading this week, don’t blame the messenger. Keep your wits about you this week. Lots of opportunity for love and danger. Keep your eyes to the sky and your ear to the ground. That way you’ll be well-prepared for the arrival of Shub-Niggurath. Don’t think her name, don’t write it down.
I’ll be here for you again soon to help navigate your fearful weeks.
Lastly, what did you think of this week’s Dread Central HorrorScopes? Let me know via Dread’s social media channels.