A weekly television series following the exploits of Jason Voorhees – how the hell is that supposed to work? The producers appear to have an idea for how to adapt Friday the 13th into a TV show, but I think I might have a few better ideas for how to transform Jason from horror icon to TV star.
The remakes, reboots, reimaginings, sequels, prequels, premakes, adaptations, and spin-offs that rule the big screen are taking over the airwaves like never before.
For horror fans alone “Bates Motel”, “Hannibal”, “From Dusk Till Dawn”, and “Teen Wolf” have been turned into weekly TV shows, and soon “Scream”, “Constantine”, “12 Monkeys”, a series based on the box office stinker Legion, and, yes, “Friday the 13th” will add to the fray.
As was announced recently, a new attempt at transforming Friday the 13th into a weekly hour-long series is in the works. Unlike the name-only late 80s series, this “Friday the 13th” will be based directly on the film series. After all, there’s really no point rehashing the cursed antique store premise seeing as how Syfy’s “Warehouse 13″ already beat them to it. Instead we’ll be getting something that’s based around Jason and the dark secrets of the Voorhees family, the eccentric characters that now populate Crystal Lake, and it will reportedly take place over multiple time periods.
Many of you have already reacted to this news with a mix of excitement, disdain, and befuddlement. I know I’m not completely sold on the viability of the idea. That’s why I have decided to throw in my 2 cents, or I should say 25 cents since I came up with 25 possible scenarios for adapting Jason Voorhees and the lore of Friday the 13th into a weekly television property. What began as a joke I made on Twitter upon hearing the news has now become an article I wasted way too much time on. Speaking of wasting too much time, just remember – you already clicked on it!
Crystal Lake – Contemporary prequel to the Friday the 13th franchise depicting the early life of teenage Jason Voorhees and his recently widowed mom Pamela as they try to start a new life at the summer camp she just purchased. Subplots will revolve around Mrs. Voorhees’ deteriorating mental state, violent weed dealers, a serial killer, crooked cops, sex slaves, and how despite being mentally deficient and physically deformed, every hot girl in town still wants to have sex with Jason.
The 13th Precinct – Police procedural based around the uneasy partnership between maniac Jason Voorhees, now a reformed hockey mask-wearing, machete-wielding, big city police officer, partnered with former nemesis Tommy Jarvis, now an alcoholic, manic-depressive, veteran homicide detective played by James Woods.
The Jason Diaries – CW Network-style romantic horror show built around the unlikely relationship between a beautiful young camp counselor who falls in love with wounded soul Jason. Her friends don’t understand, probably because he keeps killing them.
Machete – Superhero series follows billionaire playboy Jason Voorhees, who, after believed to have drowned at summer camp five years earlier but was actually being secretly trained by the mysterious “League of Slashers”, returns home to the city of Crystal Lake to fight crime and corruption as a hockey masked-vigilante whose weapon of choice is a very big machete.
Friday’s 13 – Stylish action-adventure series based around Jason assembling 12 other notorious slashers (Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Michael Myers, Maniac Cop, Chucky, Leprechaun, Jigsaw, Ghostface, Dr. Giggles, Candyman, Victor Crowley, Leslie Vernon) for what on the surface appears to be a series of mass murders but are actually elaborate con jobs designed to rob the rich and powerful.
Everybody Fears Jason – Sitcom following the comedic trials and tribulations of Jason, now retired from summer camp slashing, as he attempts to adjust to his new middle class life as a married father in suburbia.
The Counselor – Reality-style relationship series in the vein of The Bachelor with 30 middle-aged women at Camp Crystal Lake trying to use motherly love to win Jason’s heart as they vie to become his new mom. Who will receive the final machete?
Slash’d – Hidden prank reality series with Jason scaring/maiming/killing famous celebrities. Corey Feldman hosts.
Extreme Makeover: Friday the 13th Edition – Home improvement reality series with Jason traveling to various dilapidated summer camps around the country helping to renovate the places. Then he sticks around for a while after the reopening to kill everyone.
Jason Who – The producers did say the show will have a time traveling element, right? So what if Jason were revealed to be the last of a race of deformed psychopathic immortals, gallivanting through time and space to summer camps past, present, future, and alien in a time machine stuck in the form of a port-a-potty, along with his sonic machete and a string of captive female sidekicks who remind him way too much of his long lost mom.
Mighty Slashin’ Jason Rangers – When aliens and giant monsters invade the town of Crystal Lake, the giant floating holographic head of Pamela Voorhees bestows five hot young camp counselors with color-coded hockey-masked attire, sci-fi machetes, and hi-tech summer camp vehicles that form a giant robot Jason.
Whose Life Is It Anyway? – Improvisational comedy series with Jason serving as a judge forcing captured campers to recreate his most famous kills.
The Greatest American Jason – A mild-mannered, slightly bumbling inner city high school teacher inherits Jason’s hockey mask; wearing it gives him all the powers of the Crystal Lake slasher, but he cannot fully control them. He uses them to fight crime even as he fights the urge to brutally slaughter every last one of his nubile students.
Slashed by an Angel – Turns out Jason really has been doing the Lord’s work killing fornicators and druggies all these years. Watch as Jason changes lives and punishes the wicked traveling around the country guided by a sassy black angel.
Machete Dynasty – Scripted reality series chronicling the zany exploits of the demented Voorhees clan as they operate their family-owned summer camp and work overtime to dispose of the corpses left behind by Jason.
Slash/Hack – Jason’s first survivor, Ginny Field, strikes back at the monsters of the world, known as “slashers”, with the help of disfigured “gentle giant” Jason, who still refuses to tell her where’s Paul. They travel around destroying slashers while trying to avoid lawsuits from the writers of Hack/Slash.
Slashing with the Stars – Each week C/D list celebrities are paired with iconic movie slashers, most prominently Jason Voorhees, to learn the ins and outs of murdering horny teenagers and pot-smoking hippies. Judges Jamie Lee Curtis, Eli Roth, and Rob Zombie score the celebs on the creativity of their kills.
Voorhees – A nerdy horror fan discovers Jason’s sacred machete buried beneath the rubble of what was once the shooting location of the original Friday the 13th; whenever he holds it and utters “ki ki ki, ma ma ma”, Jason will magically appear and begin wreaking havoc. At first turning his life upside down, they quickly become buddies and work together to battle the forces of evil.
Camp Blood – Survivor-esque reality competition series with a twist… of the knife. Two teams of contestants compete in races and puzzles at a summer camp unaware that their greatest obstacle is Jason. Nobody ever gets voted off; it’s just a matter of when they get killed off.
21 Jason Street – Police officers disguised as teenagers keep infiltrating Crystal Lake undercover as camp counselors and horny campers in order to finally kill Jason. Hey, it worked at the beginning of Jason Goes to Hell.
How I Killed Your Mother – Jason forces Alice Hardy to explain to the family members of his victims each week how he killed their loved ones. Then he cuts their throats. Sitcom.
Voorhees: Texas Ranger – Jason brings his own special style of hacking and slashing to the Texas Rangers when he moves to the Lone Star State to become a no-nonsense machete-swinging lawman.
Jason’s Anatomy – Medical soap opera following the professional and romantic lives of the surgical interns and residents at Crystal Lake Hospital where Dr. Voorhees (dubbed “McScreamy” by all the hot interns) is not only the strict head surgeon, he’s also the primary cause of death.
Ink Slasher – Got a bad tattoo? Jason will help remove it. But you might not like how.
Friday the 13th: The Series: The Next Generation – Jason goes from supernatural stalker to supernatural hunter after inheriting the “Curious Goods” antique store. Teaming up with his smoking hot cousin Micki and renowned occultist Creighton Duke, each week the trio set out to recover cursed antiques and put them into safety in the store’s vault.
There you have it, folks. The producers of the new “Friday the 13th” series are more than welcome to adapt any of these twenty-four surefire ratings hits (and whatever the hell I was thinking when I dreamed up “Jason Who”). Personally, though, what I’m really holding out for is seeing Texas Chainsaw Massacre adapted into a “Mama’s Family” sitcom.
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