Ms. Vampy and Dr. Gash Team Up for Five Tips to Get You Through Valentine’s Day
Scott Hallam
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When she’s not working as one of our favorite scream queens, Ms. Vampy herself, Brooke Lewis, has an alter-ego, that of advice columnist for Huffington Post. For Valentine’s Day we took some of her dating tips and horrified them up a bit.
Lewis is the author of the popular column Ask the Drama Queen, and she recently appeared on “San Diego Living” to give some tips to help people get the most out of their dates, be it with a new person or their spouse or longtime partner.
Even we bloodthirsty beasts at Dread Central can appreciate a good love story (as long as someone’s heart is ripped out at the end) so we thought we’d share some of Brooke’s dating tips and explain them in a way we all understand.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Dreadies!
Tip #1-Plan Ahead
Brooke wants you to be sure to have your dinner plans made, tickets purchased, and everything ready to go when dating. We’d like to point out a very good example of this tip not being followed and the damage it caused. Dan Gallagher is a great illustration of not planning ahead. Played by Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction, Dan let his johnson do the thinking for him, and by the time he realized what he had done, Alex Forrest (the unforgettable Glenn Close) had boiled his bunny, briefly kidnapped his child, and basically hijacked his life. Poor planning there. Had Dan followed this simple tip, he might have kept his simple tip in his pants and avoided all that trouble completely.
Another great suggestion here. Brooke encourages you to know your date’s tastes, hobbies, size if buying clothing, etc. Things like this show you care. For example, Mickey Knox was all too familiar with young Mallory Wilson before they went on their nationwide killing spree. Mickey knew just how to say and do all the right things to impress Mallory, like stealing a car, breaking out of prison, killing her parents. Mickey knew all the right steps to take to win Mallory’s heart and make her Mrs. Mallory Knox. And it’s great that they had so much in common. Fifty-two murder victims can’t be wrong. They also enjoyed robbing, prison breaks, and horseback riding.
Here’s one to remember. Brooke wants her readers and listeners to know that extravagant gifts, throwing around money, and being overly romantic can be a turn-off; and you might not even know you’re doing it. For example, one poor lovelorn soul who just wanted a friend but kinda went overboard is the lovely, broken May Dove Canady. In May all she wanted was someone to love her back, but she couldn’t find the right person. “So many pretty parts but no pretty wholes…” An eerily truthful examination of society if we’ve ever heard one. And although having that opinion is fine, May went a bit overboard when she decided to make her own person using some of the prettiest pieces she’d seen around her. Overdoing it? Probably a bit.
If you don’t have any expectations, you’ll never be disappointed. Brooke stresses not to count on things like commitment, engagement, gifts, or sex because you’re only setting yourself up for a letdown in the end. One classic case of this rule being broken was by Louis Creed in Pet Sematary. No matter how much ol’ Jud Crandall kept warning him to stop burying things up in the Micmac burial grounds, Louis was damned and determined to make something come back to life without becoming a raving, bloodthirsty thing. When the cat came back screwy, that didn’t deter him at all. How about the kid? Gage returned wielding a scalpel and a bad attitude. So finally Louis decides to put his wife up there and expects her to come back normal. She was kinda normal, except that her face looked like the promo image for the Misfits song “Die Die My Darling.” Don’t have expectations.
This is a big no-no. Why would you ever even consider doing this? You’re just asking for trouble. No one wants to be compared to others (unless you’re commenting on how much more well-endowed your man is when stacked up to others… you can probably get away with that one). There is one character in horror who has broken this rule more than any other. Of course we’re talking about the lovely Sookie Stackhouse of “True Blood.” Yes, she is an exquisite creature, but damn it, the woman can’t help but compare one lover to the next. Bill, Eric, Warlow, Alcide… Sookie, the “danger whore” she is, has done nothing but contrast lovers from day one. And honestly, is she any better off now than when she was simply a waitress in Merlotte’s who could read everyone’s mind?
This old adage is certainly true (although some would argue that money can rent happiness for a while). If you need any additional proof on this subject, we’d like to refer you to a little film called Audition. If a dude is liquid enough to set up his own fake audition to try to catch a woman, he’s got to be pretty well off financially. There’s only one name you need to know to prove that money can’t buy happiness: Asami. Happiness isn’t exactly Asami’s thing. More like torture. Yeah, torture and maiming are Asami’s thing.
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