Extremely NOT Safe for Work – Horror’s 13 Most Sinful Seductresses
Matt Molgaard
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There’s something special about spotting that unforgettable seductress who strolls across the screen and completely ignites the hormonal interest of the viewer. You’ve seen her…
And chances are you’ve sought out more of her work, paused the film when the gratuitous nude shot arrives, and hell, maybe even tracked down a poster, just to be as close as possible, for as long as possible.
Hey, we’re guys (ladies, this article may not completely appeal to you; my advance warning, in case the title didn’t deter you). We’re drawn to lovely ladies. Even vile, evil ladies. Looks can and have killed. Here’s a little proof.
Species (1995) – Natasha Henstridge: Tall, blonde, well-endowed with presence that could intimidate George Clooney, Natasha Henstridge turned the heads of the male populace in 1995 as she tackled the character of moody alien/femme fatale, Sil/Eve in the underrated sci-fi/horror hybrid Species. There’s a price that comes with bedding a super-hot alien, and unfortunately for all the horny gents out there, the price is death. But hey, you get laid – by a stunning “woman” – and then you go out in one of the most unique ways imaginable: death by alien slaughter. For some reason, it doesn’t sound all that bad.
Friday the 13th (2009) – Julianna Guill: Julianna portrays the extremely confident Bree in Marcus Nispel’s surprisingly entertaining Friday the 13th reboot. She’s an extremely arrogant broad, but when you’ve got melons like this, the confidence really can’t be considered conceit, and if it can, well, this young lady has earned the right to be as big a bitch as she wants. The excitement a man experiences once she takes that top off is akin to the sensation that comes with opening a treasure chest full of gold. I mean come on, those fuckers are pointing to the moon – and we love it! Be as sassy as you want, Julianna. As sassy – as – you – want!
Night of the Demons (1988) – Linnea Quigley: What teenage boy didn’t soil about 200 clean sheets while ogling the fine physical specimen known to the world as Linnea Quigley (or Suzanne, as her character is named in the pic) during the original Night of the Demons? I wasn’t even 10 years old yet; I wasn’t capable of soiling the sheets with the sticky stuff. But points are due for a very valid effort, right?
Seriously, do I need to harp on this awesome seductress, the first to experience possession at one wicked Halloween party during this cult classic? No, I don’t need to. I want to. Look at that… look at that! Harping is just the beginning, my friends!
Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Linnea Quigley: Can’t get away from the Quigley picks, can we? Better question: Why would we ever want to? Besides, when has a chick named Trash ever been so damn seductive? Furthermore, I ponder: When has a chick named Trash, recently turned zombie, leader of a load of other undead, been so damn seductive? It’s kind of creepy in a necrophilia type of way. But hey, that’s Linnea for ya!
Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993) – Melinda aka Mindy Clarke: Since we’re already focused on the ROTLD franchise, we may as well touch down on the smoking hot undead seductress fans recognize as Julie Walker. Even in a posthumous state this chick is scolding hot. Oddly enough, all those twisted piercings and tattered rags only add to her unmistakable allure. If you asked me if I could ever bring myself to bump uglies with a corpse, I’d have to lie if I hoped to convince you I wasn’t a sick, sick individual.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) – Caroline Williams: It’s been a few years since sitting down to zone out on the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel, but time doesn’t do much to sway the memories of this girl-next-door looker with a penchant for spreading her legs wide open. Realistically, how can anyone forget that? Caroline’s appeal is unique in the sense that she’s a simplistic beauty who doesn’t look as though she was assembled in a silicone factory… and the fact that she’s got a penchant for spreading her legs… wide open.
Jaws (1974) – The Opening Swimmer: Okay, technically this mystery woman isn’t really much of a seductress (she’s certainly sinful!). That said, she is hot, does sit around campfires getting shit-faced and isn’t afraid to jump out of her clothes and into the water (yeah, definitely sinful). Unfortunately, she also jumped straight into a massive man eater’s razor-tooth-lined jaws.
From Beyond (1986) – Barbara Crampton: When you incorporate strange, savage parallel universes and the lovely Barbara Crampton – all done up in some wild kinky shit that looks perfectly suited for an extreme night of S&M, you’ve got what we call a winner. The lone complaint? There just wasn’t enough of Barbara in her borderline bondage getup in this beloved H.P. Lovecraft adaptation. We also thought to include images of Ken Foree in his thong for this piece but eventually cooler heads prevailed!
The Howling II (1985) – Sybil Danning: Typically hairy women turn me off. That’s one of the primary reasons I’ve chosen to keep myself planted in the heart of California; the ladies tend to keep themselves well-shaven out here. But what the hell, Sybil Danning made hairy cool… okay, she didn’t make it cool, but she does still come across as a smoking hot babe, even during lycanthropic transformation! The truth is it would suck to be seduced by this wicked woman, but in the moment, before the fangs lengthen and the fuzz sprouts, you know it would be one of the hottest moments… ever.
Cat People (1982) – Nastassja Kinski: Look, if I’m willing to contemplate frolicking with a lust-worthy werewolf, why in the world would I pass on an equally impressive specimen who transforms into a cat once her loins get to burning? For my buck cats are immeasurably less frightening than werewolves. Nastassja Kinski, however, is every bit as sensual as Sybil Danning. Count me in!
The Kiss (1988) – Joanna Pacula: Confession time. I haven’t seen The Kiss in a solid 20 years. Does that change the fact that Joanna Pacula is one fine, exotic beauty? Nope. Does it change the fact that she makes for an awesome evil stepmom? Nope. Does it make me eager to track this one down and relive hormone induced slices of history? Definitely.
Mausoleum (1983) -Bobbie Bresee: What the hell happened to this absurdly attractive B-movie scream queen? With a body like this it is absolutely criminal to drop off the public radar. Her transformation in Mausoleum is somewhat heart-breaking as we all want to remember her for the 10 she was, not the… thing she became with the snapping demon heads in place of her otherwise perfect rack. Films like these made youngsters like me astoundingly grateful for the rewind and pause features offered from old VHS players.
Ghost Story (1981) – Alice Krige: Regardless of how promiscuous and/or sexy a woman can be, you’ve got to play it cool. The last thing you want to see happen is an accidental death. Because believe you me, that bitch is going to come back and haunt your ass! At least this specific ghostly dame is an aesthetic treat.
Okay… so when she’s not horribly disfigured, she’s a looker. When she is… well, she looks like this… and it’s awfully unnerving.
Categorized:Lists
