Top 13 Lessons Learned from Watching Friday the 13th Films
Steve Barton
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Rule #1: No Sex!
This is, of course, the most obvious rule on the list, and it cannot be overstated. If you have sex in a Friday the 13th film, you’ve basically just signed your own death warrant. The fact that the counselors were out fornicating when Jason originally drown is really something that’s stuck in his craw over the years and it torques him out to no end to see people screwing. So once again, if it can be at all avoided, do yourself a favor and refrain from having sex anywhere near Crystal Lake.
Rule #2: No Drugs!
Again, this is a no-brainer. Jason hates sex, yes…but just below that on the list of things that burns his ass is drug use. And, as you know, it doesn’t have to be heavy drugs. Pot smokers really make him blow his stack. If you’ve got to smoke weed, don’t do it any place where Jason might catch a contact high.
Rule #3: Listen to Crazy Locals
Although guys like Crazy Ralph and Abel (the nut with the 3D eyeball in Friday the 13th Part 3) don’t seem like good sources of reliable information, they were pretty spot on with their warnings about Crystal Lake. No, you probably don’t want to take financial advice from these guys, or eat anything they cook for that matter, but when it comes to warning unwary teenagers about the dangers of Crystal Lake, these are your guys! Heed their words!
Rule #4: Do Not Rely on Your Car
Time and time again, Jason’s victims turn to their automobiles as a way of escaping the nightmare they are experiencing. And whether the doors are locked or the car crashes, dies or simply won’t start, the bottom line is, cars at Crystal Lake suck. They have a curious way of failing just when you need them the most. You’re not going to get away from Jason, not in a car, not on a plane, not in a boat, not on a train. Once the big guy has set his sights on you, the only way to survive is to kill him…at least momentarily, until he awakens again for the next crop of rule-breaking victims.
Rule #5: Windows Are Not Your Friend
In Friday the 13th films, one structural item to avoid at all costs is the window. Windows are nothing but bad news for potential victims of Jason Voorhees. If he’s not peering in through the window at people drinking or smoking or humping each other, then he’s reaching in through the window to snatch someone out. And, of course, Jason is also very famous for taking the bodies of his victims and throwing them through the window to freak out the survivors inside leading up to the final confrontation scene. If you’re in Crystal Lake, you don’t do windows! Period.
Rule #6: Jason is Pretty Easy to Fool
A couple of Jason’s potential victims realized that you don’t have to go physically toe to toe with the nightmarish killing machine. He’s actually quite easy to outsmart. Come on, he spent how long at the bottom of a lake? I don’t think we’ll see him getting his Mensa acceptance anytime soon. But when we say he’s easy to fake out, we mean he’s really easy to fake out. In Friday the 13th Part 2 and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter characters easily get one over on Jason with some pretty transparent costumes. Yes, Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis went through the trouble of shaving his head and putting some whitish makeup on his face, but in Friday the 13th: Part 2, Amy Steel’s Ginny Field bamboozles him with nothing more than a crusty old sweater and some sweet talk. Lesson to be learned, if you’re up against it with Jason, at least try to dupe the big guy.
Rule #7: Don’t Search For Missing Friends!
When you’re out in the woods with friends and people start going missing, it’s never a good choice to go out looking for them. This includes the dog as well. Fuck the dog. If your friends are suddenly missing, do not go out looking for them. There’s no sense in you getting killed as well. Let’s try to minimize the collateral damage here. If you’re in a rural cabin with a bunch of friends and suddenly some of them turn up missing, don’t go wandering out in the woods to try to find them. That will just lead to more trials and tribulations. Just sit tight and wait for them to come back. Catch up on some reading, play some games on your phone. Just whatever you do, please, stay the hell out of the woods.
Rule #8: Don’t Go Off Into the Woods Exploring
In the same vein as the previous rule, we include this one. Don’t go exploring. Believe me, I grew up in Upstate New York, surrounded by woods. If you go out exploring, you’re not going to find anything that interesting. Okay, maybe you’ll find a Native American arrowhead or two. Is that worth having Jason ram a machete up your ass? However, if you absolutely must go out in the woods exploring, if you happen to come across a dilapidated cabin, steer clear of it. You never know, a supernatural killer might live there. Honestly, there’s nothing in the woods to discover. Chill at the cabin, drink a couple beers and call it a night.
Rule #9: If You Discover Bloody Clothes, Sheets or Signs of Violence, Run Away!
Moving one step further from searching for missing friends is the discovery of bloody sheets or clothes or some signs of violence. It seems like Friday the 13th characters never embody the proper level of fear when finding blood-soaked sheets or clothing. Let’s incorporate a couple of rules and make this very clear. If your friends or pets are missing, fuck ’em. Sit tight in the cabin until they come home or the sun comes up. However, if you find a substantial amount of blood on anything, get the fuck out of there! And we mean RUN! Don’t try to use the car that we know will only let you down, leading to your untimely demise. Hopefully your cardio is up to snuff and run, run, run!
Rule#10: Don’t Try to Be a Hero
A couple of characters in the Friday the 13th series have tried to be the hero. To come back and avenge a love one killed by Jason. This is a truly horrendous idea. Really bad. Jason is an undead, unkillable, smashing machine. To those who want to try to be the hero, what exactly is your plan for dealing with this monstrosity? We’re sorry if your sister fell victim to him or you’ve got some other reason for trying to stand up to Jason and be a hero. This plan is never going to work out for you. Ever. Hide, run, set a booby trap. Do whatever you can think of, but don’t stand up to Jason. That is a bad, bad plan.
Rule #11: Don’t Go Skinny Dipping Alone in the Woods at Night
Now for chrissakes, we shouldn’t even have to bring this one up. Here we are talking about killers in the woods. What in the name of all that is holy would make yo u think that jaunting off into the woods at night for a nude swim under the stars would be a good idea. I don’t care how hot and toned your body is, this is going to be a nightmare situations for you. And if there happens to be an inflatable raft mysteriously floating solitarily in the water. That’s right, just let it be. Alone is bad. In the woods is bad. Naked is bad. Alone in the woods, naked, is an unmitigated recipe for disaster.
Rule #12: Don’t Screw Around By Jason’s Grave
Whether you’re some clowns trying to get a look a the mass murder’s corpse or Tommy Jarvis having a shit-fit upon seeing Jason’s body, the fact is, no one, not anybody, should be anywhere near Jason’s grave. Just the simple fact that he’s got a grave is good news. It means someone knocked him down long enough to give the illusion that he’s been permanently incapacitated (although we all know it’s a temporary situation). The last place anyone, anyone, needs to be is anywhere near Jason’s grave. Has anyone ever heard the expression “Let sleeping dogs lie?” This may be the most perfect application for that saying ever.
Rule #13: Make Peace With Your God
Let’s be honest, even with this entire list of rules at your disposal, if you’re being hunted by Jason Voorhees, you’re fucked. It won’t be long before the dead body of one of your friends suddenly comes smashing through the window and other bodies begin turning up everywhere as you frantically try to escape (which you could have done much more successfully if you had left when you found the bloody sheets). The fact is that Jason is going to catch you and you’re going to die. So, whatever your religion happens to be, we suggest that you start patching things up with your almighty as soon as possible.
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