Okay, kids! Hatchet III (review) is available on DVD and Blu-ray RIGHT NOW so we figured what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than to relive Victor Crowley’s greatest moments? And, of course, by greatest we mean bloodiest, goriest and most heinous!
Perhaps no slasher in the history of horror can lay claim to more unique, creative, entertaining and downright brutal kills than the swamp-dwelling Crowley. He’s certainly not your run-of-the-mill butcher knife or machete-wielding killer. Crowley likes to get in there and get his hands dirty, and it’s because of this that we feel a need… nay a responsibility… to bring you…
We cannot thank series creator Adam Green enough for going above and beyond and sometimes completely over-the-top with Crowley’s attacks. It’s made the character a modern day horror hero, of which we have so few. Of course we have to start with some honorable mentions (which, for this list, could go on for days). So on the interest of brevity, we’ll just mention a few. Like Crowley ripping off the arms of “The Cosby Show” actor Deon Richmond (who played next-door neighbor Kenny, or “Bud” as Rudy called him) in the original Hatchet. Also in the first film, Crowley twisted the head of a Girls Gone Wild inspired director and decapitated a tour boat driver with a shovel. In Hatchet II Victor got a 2-for-1 kill with the most ridiculously long chainsaw you’ve ever seen, and in Hatchet III he used a defibrillator to explode a head and also turned Mrs. Adam Green, Rileah Vanderbilt, into a pile of guts. Victor has indeed been a busy boy over the course of these three films.
But enough reminiscing. On to the goods…
Reverend Zombie’s Spine-ectomy (Hatchet II)
It seems Crowley has a penchant for yanking people’s body parts off of, or out of, them. But he may never have been more brutal than when he went full Mortal Kombat on one of his main foes, Reverend Zombie. Played by iconic horror star Tony Todd, Reverend Zombie was a true thorn in the side of Crowley; and when the two finally met up, shit got real. After a brief struggle, Crowley manages to chop Zombie in half with the hatchet, and if that wasn’t enough, Victor goes full Sub-Zero on Zombie, yanking out his spine. I don’t care who you are, that’s a bad day.
Hawes’ Spineless End (Hatchet III)
Crowley seems to have something about exterminating horror veterans with this move. In Hatchet III the victim is Hawes, played by Derek Mears. After Hawes makes the unenviable mistake of calling Crowley a bitch, Victor punches the SWAT team leader in the belly (actually into the belly), breaks his spine from the inside and proceeds to wrench it from Hawes’ body through the hole in his stomach… skull and all. To his credit, Mears contorts his body skillfully to give the illusion of the spine and skull actually being ripped from him. Crowely seems to have mastered this move in this particular scene. If he started ripping spines with Reverend Zombie, he perfected it with Hawes.
Layton and Avery’s Interrupted Screw (Hatchet II)
Layton and Avery (played by AJ Bowen and Alexis Peters) thought they had found a nice quiet place to have a little ‘alone time’ together. However, Victor Crowley had other thoughts. While Layton does his best to please his woman from behind, Crowley appears behind him and lops off the poor boy’s head (but, as Nicholson said in Batman, “If you’ve gotta go, go with a smile!”), And although his death throes actually make for a better sexual experience for the unknowing Avery, it isn’t long before the unfortunate girl turns around and realizes she’s being jackhammered by a headless corpse. In her attempt to escape, Crowley gives her a hatchet mark in her… well, hatchet mark… before finishing her off with a couple more strikes to the chest. Without a doubt, Crowley’s funniest kill!
Jim and Shannon Permatteo (Hatchet)
Although technically he does kill Sampson and Ainsley Dunston first, the Permatteo couple are the first to really get the full Crowley treatment. Already suffering from a nasty crocodile bite, Jim Permatteo (played by Richard Riehle, known for the infamous ‘Jump to Conclusions’ mat in Office Space) is throttled by Crowley and literally chopped in half. In a brutal fit of rage, Crowley repeatedly slams his hatchet into Richard’s neck and chest before finally removing the top half of his body. And when Shannon (played by Patrika Darbo) tries to flee, Victor quickly catches her, puts his hands in her mouth and pulls her head apart. It was shortly after this moment that Hatchet audiences, seeing Shannon’s tongue dance in her half-head, realized they were in for something special.
Jenna Gets Belt Sanded (Hatchet)
In a true act of deviant behavior, Crowley uses a gas-powered belt sander on Jenna (played by Joleigh Fioravanti). And although a belt sander wouldn’t be comfortable when placed anywhere on the human body, Crowley goes all out with the thing and jams it right in Jenna’s mouth. Somehow this doesn’t kill her, so Victor is forced to resort to an additional tactic to finally douse her flame. After using a shovel to behead unlucky swamp tour guide Shawn (Parry Shen), Crowely uses the handle of the shovel to impale the struggling Jenna. It’s a great use of a power tool, but I think using the machine in this fashion would probably void the warranty!
Somebody Give Schneiderman a Hand! (Hatchet III)
Cody Blue Snider, son of legendary metal maniac Dee Snider, appeared as Deputy Schneiderman, a member of the team sent to take out Victor Crowley. Needless to say, things did not go as one would have hoped. After trying to hit Crowley with an RPG and accidentally taking out the paramedic (who wasn’t really any great loss because Crowley was about to finish him anyway), Victor attacks Schneiderman, throwing a flaming board into his back. Realizing that he’s pretty much done for and looking to go out like a man, Schneiderman looks up at Crowley and gives him the ol’ “Fuck you.” In response to this, Crowley tears both of Schneiderman’s arms off, and while the deputy is lying face down on the swampy ground, Crowley steps on the back of his head and drives Schneiderman’s face down into the marshy terrain, suffocating him. Now that is a “Fuck you!” Point Crowley!
Marybeth and Amanda Go Head to Head (Hatchet III)
Here we have another example of Victor Crowley going up against a legendary name in horror. This time it’s Caroline Williams (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2), who plays Amanda Fowler, a Victor Crowley expert who shows up on the scene to help Marybeth put an end to all the madness. As would be expected, when Crowley finally gets his hands on Amanda, things don’t go her way. With one hand, Victor begins to pull on her head until it pops right off her body like a dandelion. And then, in a truly surreal and comical moment, Crowley throws the head of Amanda at Marybeth (played, of course, by Danielle Harris) and hits her square in the knot with it. So to sum up, in one scene Victor Crowley completely rips the head off of one beloved horror hottie and beans another with it. Only from the mind of Adam Green! Huzzah!
Jack Cracker Gets Choked Up (Hatchet II)
No good slasher film that takes place in the woods is complete without a half-crazy townie babbling on about the dangers of one local legend or another. And the Hatchet series is no different. In this story the local nutjob is Jack Cracker (played by long-time horror filmmaker John Carl Buechler). By accidentally helping Marybeth, Jack makes himself a target of Victor Crowley. And Victor disposes of him in a ridiculously gory fashion. Crowley removes Jack Cracker’s intestines, and if that’s not enough, he strangles the poor fella with them until decapitation occurs. Wow!
Trent Graves Gets Curb Stomped (Hatchet II)
Perhaps there has never been a more toe-curling curb stomp caught on film than the one performed by Edward Norton’s character, Derek Vinyard, in American History X. That particular stomping, however, did have a powerful story filled with racial tension and violence behind it. Victor Crowley performed a pretty impressive curb stomping of his own, however, on a bounty hunter named Trent Graves (played by RA Mihailoff) in Hatchet II. Using the side of a table, Crowley slams his boot into the back of Graves’ head, severing the top half off and sending it sliding across the table. Let’s see Edward Norton do that! Adam Green put the cherry on top of this effect with a shot of the top of Graves’ head coming to a rest across the table, eyes still blinking. A nice touch to an over-the-top, memorable Crowley kill.
Sheriff Fowler Sticks His Head Where It Don’t Belong (Hatchet III)
Don’t expose them to bright light. Don’t get them wet. And never, ever feed them after midnight. Zack Galligan had a tough enough time getting those rules right when he appeared in Gremlins, but as Sheriff Folwer in Hatchet III, he made an even bigger mistake. After barricading themselves behind a metal door, Sheriff Fowler, Andrew (Parry Shaw) and Dougherty (the real-life Mrs. Adam Green, Rileah Vanderbilt) think all is well. That is, before Crowley begins belt sanding his way through the door. Just when he thinks the danger is gone, Sheriff Fowler peeks out the hole Crowley has made with the sander, and bad, bad things happen. All we can say for sure is that when he pulls his shoulders back through the door, his head is no longer attached, and one of the coolest arterial spray F/X you’ll ever see spews from his neck.
To enjoy all the murderous rampage that is Victor Crowley, be sure to pick up Hatchet III on Blu-ray and DVD as soon as you can. You have been warned!
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