You know what really makes a man? A beard. Beards have been featured in films throughout the history of cinema, some great, some good, and some not so great or good. But over the years a few beards have stood the test of time and deserve a little attention. So without further ado …
The Buz presents:
THE TOP TEN LIST OF THE GREATEST BEARDS IN HORROR HISTORY
10: Laurence Fishburne as Max in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3: Dream Warriors
Max had one of those beards that just looked like it belonged there. It was a part of his face. While it wasn’t the fullest or longest beard, it makes an impression. And if I’m not mistaken, it’s the only film in which Larry Fishburne had a beard, making it both unique and stylish. Let us hope he brings it back soon.
Unique and Stylish, for the people, by the people.
9: John Getz as Dr. Strathis Borans in David Cronenberg’s The Fly
I don’t know about you, but when I thought of this list, this character popped in my head immediately. I couldn’t remember his name in the film, or even the actor’s name, but dammit if I didn’t remember that fantastic beard. Full and dark, but not resilient to arm wrestling contests.
He has a PhD in beard growth.
8: Bill Moseley as Otis in The Devil’s Rejects
That is an impressive beard. The fact that he was able to get it to replicate The Charlie Manson™ style of beard is both disturbing and respectable. Hat’s off to Moseley for such an amazing beard feat.
No animals were harmed in the making of this beard.
7: Patrick Wayne as Sinbad in Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger
Perfect form, neatly trimmed. Not too long, not too short. If his beard was a fairytale, it’d be motherfuckin’ Goldielocks and The Three Little Bears. Just right.
His porridge is not too hot.
6: James Brolin as George Lutz in The Amityville Horror
I had to include Mr. Brolin on this list for his hair work in The Amityville Horror. He had one of those fantastic Van Dyke beards that narrows down into a point. A sight to behold for sure. It was more terrifying than the ax he was lugging around. If it wasn’t for the awful remake, I’d have put Lutz higher on the list, but nonetheless, gotta give credit where credit is due. That was a rocking beard.
Righteous. / Not righteous.
THE TOP TEN LIST OF THE GREATEST BEARDS IN HORROR HISTORY continues…
5: Pierce Brosnan as Jean Charles Pommier in Nomads
I’ll admit I’ve only seen this movie once, but that’s just a testament to how utterly badass Pierce Brosnan’s beard is in this movie. This beard was so impressive it ended up on the Box in full form. It’s literally the first thing my eyes go to when I see the poster. It left an impression on me, and if you’ve seen the movie, you know what I speak of. You have to love scientist smart beards. The kind where you look at them and you just assume that person is a genius. This is one of those beards, and Brosnan is indeed a genius for growing it for the role. Now if only there had been a bearded Bond…
“Nomads” — Featuring Pierce Brosnan’s beard.
4: Tom Skerritt as Dallas in Alien
When you see the cast of Ridley Scott’s Alien, it doesn’t take long to guess which one is the captain. It’s Tom Skerritt as Captain Dallas. Why is he captain? His motherfucking beard. Dallas had one of those rugged cheek and neck beards that could theoretically grow up to his forehead and down to his tits if he willed it. Fortunately he trimmed it up and earned himself a Number Four spot on the beard list of greatness. While his chances for survival may have been low, his beard will live on forever as one of the greatest bits of facial hair the galaxy has ever seen.
In space, a few people will probably hear you shave.
3: A.J. Bowen as Lewis/Victor in The Signal and The House of the Devil
More than any other actor on this list, when you hear the name A.J. Bowen, you can’t think of him without the beard. I credit Bowen and his roles in The Signal and The House of the Devil for bringing the beard back in style. The featured beard in The Signal was so manly and badass that I saw Lewis, rather than Ben, as the hero of the film. Bowen’s beard in The House of the Devil was a different beast altogether. When I first saw the film (and the beard), I had a mini Jaws moment where my girlfriend turned to me and said, “That looks like a three-monther” to which I responded with, “Three and a half, two pounds on him.” I may be one of five people that finds that hilarious, but regardless, it’s a beard that should be praised.
His beard could have been the babysitter.
2: Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper in Jaws
Speaking of Jaws, it should come as no surprise that Matt Hooper is on this list. If my memory is correct, his was the very first beard I ever saw captured on screen, and to this day it is a thing of much envy for me. Richard Dreyfuss not only was able to memorialize himself as one of the greatest characters in cinema history, but his beard acted as its own character. It should have been in the credits, before Richard Dreyfuss. Without that beard, I don’t think I’d buy Mr. Hooper as a marine biologist. Which I’m sure is why his character grew the beard in the first place: to get more respect from his elders. Or maybe it was just to keep his face warm in time of scuba diving/finding stray heads in boat hulls.
“I ain’t talking about trimmin’ goatees or sideburns here, Mr. Hooper. I’m talking about workin’ for a living, I’m talkin’ about shavin’.”
“Yeah, well, I ain’t talking about no patchy mess or chin hair either. I’m talking about a great beard.”
THE TOP TEN LIST OF THE GREATEST BEARDS IN HORROR HISTORY continues…
1: Kurt Russell as R.J. MacReady in The Thing
I almost nominated the entire film for the Number One spot of list- o-beard awesome because nearly the entire cast has amazing beards. Windows, Clark, Fuchs, Bennings, and even the Norwegians. Also it’s poignant to note that nearly all of the bad guys in the film are facially hairless. But in the end, the crown deservedly goes to R.J. MacReady, the master of all things beards. You should not be asking yourself why I chose Mac’s beard as Number One, but more so why wouldn’t I choose his chops for the Numero Uno spot. All beards should aspire to be half as good as MacReady’s. It was so good that it felt as if the beard kept you warm in certain scenes, thus drawing us closer to MacReady, as if for protection … A flawless victory on Kurt Russell’s part.
I looked up “beard” in the dictionary and found this picture.
Now of course there are some other great beards out there that didn’t make the list, so here are some honorable mentions:
Jeff Bridges in King Kong, Chuck from Friday the 13th Part 3, Vincent Price in House of Wax, Joe Seneca as Dr. Meddows in The Blob remake, Robert Englund in 2001 Maniacs, Donald Pleasence in Prince of Darkness, and Richard Attenborough as John Hammond in Jurassic Park.
Dishonorable Mentions: Josh Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. I mean really, what the fuck was that?
– The Buz
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