Evil Exhumed (2016)
Foywonder
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Starring Aisling Goodman, James Drew Dean, Caz Odin Darko, the soothing voice of Eric Roberts
Written and Directed by David DeCoteau
David DeCoteau has become the Nigerian prince email scam of filmmaking. How else to explain expecting people to pay for the feature length b-roll he frequently passes off as cinema or the sheer gall it takes to promote Eric Roberts as the star of your film knowing he does not actually appear in it, merely providing brief voiceovers at the very beginning and end?
It’s been quite some time since I last reviewed a David DeCoteau film – with good reason. I wasn’t planning to watch or review this one, either. I was kind of fascinated when I saw that the long time b-to-z grade filmmaker dropped four new movies onto VOD this past Friday. One, Asian Ghost Story starring 90’s action heroine Cynthia Rothrock, dealt with the vengeful spirit of a Chinese rail worker that comes back for some reason as a Japanese ninja killing college kids in the woods. Another, Evil Exhumed, from the looks of both trailers seemed to be roughly the exact same film except the ninja with a katana sword was instead a mummy brandishing a scythe. I should have known better. I do know better. Yet, thanks to a friend’s Twitter rant over the weekend about the lack of quality mummy movies, I decided to give Evil Exhumed a look even though I knew I would probably regret it. Did I ever!
Knowing what I was potentially in for with Evil Exhumed; I decided to exhume an old review technique I hadn’t dusted off in quite a long time. As a matter of fact, I believe the last time I did what I call a “real-time review”, in which I jot down my time-stamped descriptions/thoughts/despair while watching a film; it was also for a similar DeCoteau production years ago that consisted primarily of shirtless dudes walking in the woods until a monster kills them off-camera. So, join me, as you die vicariously through me as I experience the nothingness that is Evil Exhumed.
00:01:00 – Eric Roberts as the slickest sounding Native American shaman ever relaying a whole lot of historical back-story for a movie I strongly suspect will have very little actual story.
00:02:00 – Some random guy finds a parchment in a mound in the woods. Already more plot than I’ve come to expect from previous DeCoteau films.
00:04:00 – More Eric Roberts’ voiceover yet still no actual movie to speak of.
00:07:50 – Nothing of a prologue ate up five minutes. Opening credits now eat up two more. I think I see where this is headed.
00:09:45 – Phone call. Something about a professor we haven’t seen summoning some students to these woods to help unearth (Pacific Northwest?) Native American peat bog mummies “like the ones found in Ireland”.
00:10:30 – Guy takes off his shirt for no reason. Yep, it’s a David DeCoteau movie.
00:10:45 – Shirtless guy silently walking in the woods. The cosmic ballet begins again.
00:12:00 – Guy walks. Mummy stalks. Pulse-pounding music comes to an abrupt stop because even it realized nothing was actually happening.
00:14:00 – All that alleged suspense building to an off-camera kill. Yep, it’s a David DeCoteau film.
00:14:45 – Another character. Another phone call. I knew I should have gone with the Chinese railway samurai ninja ghost flick.
00:15:40 – Yet another character. Yet another phone call. The premise is being conveyed via phone tag between on-screen characters and non-characters not actually in the movie.
00:18:00 – Someone walking very slowly through a hallway. Yep, it’s a David DeCoteau movie.
00:19:15 – More phone tag. David DeCoteau once again stretching the limits of what constitutes “written and directed by”.
00:21:00 – Native American peat bog mummies like the ones you find in Ireland look remarkably like high-end Egyptian mummy costumes found at a Spirit of Halloween store. #culturalappropriation
00:24:00 – Can you guess what’s happening now? Did you guess “shirtless guy walking through the woods while a mummy slowly stalks him from a distance”? Wrong! The guy is wearing a shirt. #diversity
00:25:10 – The mummy with no eyes continues to watch from the woods.
00:26:30 – Still just watching a guy on an aimless hike. I could be binge watching “Luke Cage” right now.
00:27:20 – Our human villain, the victim of a prank the year before, calls forth the “spirit of the tribe” to do his bidding. Does that mean the killer mummy has been acting independently up until now?
00:28:00 – Eight solid minutes of absolutely nothing leads to yet another off-scream kill. #yepitsadaviddecoteaumovie
00:28:30 – An actual phone conversation between two actual characters. These calls still just keep repeating the same non-plot points. This film takes “phoning it in” to pathetic new heights.
00:29:45 – The vengeful prank victim is named Brundle. I’d like to put DeCoteau in the telepod with a filmmaker who still gives a damn to see what comes out.
00:31:00 – Guy walking in the woods: Take 3.
00:32:45 – Correction: Guy has chosen to lounge shirtless by a lake. Can’t wait to see how many minutes this eats up.
00:34:00 – Woman in a sports bra goes jogging. A little something for the straight guys.
00:40:40 – Swear to God. I accidentally hit the screen causing the movie to skip six minutes and instantly realized I had not missed anything.
00:43:20 – Mummy raises arm, slashing motion with scythe and an off-camera scream. Another 12 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
00:44:00 – I’d be better off binge watching grass grow.
00:45:00 – Another phone call. Two more shirtless guys. Another recap of info we already know.
00:46:30 – So a guy is on a supernatural killing spree because some college kids locked him in an attic overnight? Like that time when I was a kid some bullies locked me in a closet for ten minutes and I got even by conjuring Pumpkinhead to kill them all. #parity
00:48:15 – A guy just put on a shirt to go running through the woods. Are we in the Upside Down?
01:00:00 – This is a scam, right? I feel like anyone who pays to watch this should get double their money back. #classactionlawsuit
01:08:00 – If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it can David DeCoteau still film it for 20 minutes and pass it off as a motion picture?
01:09:15 – Actual dialogue between actual characters in the same room for only the second time in the movie!
01:10:00 – This movie reminds me a lot of an old drive-in cheapie called Death Curse of Tartu in that I would rather be watching Death Curse of Tartu instead.
01:14:25 – The mummy’s name is Zadarak. I love his Cajun seasoning.
01:15:00 – Somehow DeCoteau managed to stretch five minutes of story into 75 minutes of screen time and then had the nerve to not even give the movie an actual ending. I wonder if Asian Ghost Story also had a similar anticlimax that didn’t even involve the supernatural killer and did Cynthia Rothrock also only appear by way of blathering voiceover? I know I’ll never find out.
Even giving Evil Exhumed zero stars feels too charitable. Calling it a movie at all feels too charitable. This is the filmmaking equivalent of the Nigerian Prince email scam—and I fell for it… again. #sadtrombone
I get that guys like DeCoteau are just trying to eke out a living but at any point does a modicum of shame come into play knowing you’re just flagrantly ripping people off?
Or maybe David DeCoteau should be considered an inspiration to all aspiring filmmakers for proving once again that even if you don’t have any money or an actual script you can still make a movie?
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
