The Best and Worst of 2007
5. Grindhouse - Grindhouse was given the raw deal during its theatrical release. Here we were given two films (one a great action/splatter fest – the other a talky pic with a decent amount of fun car chases) that should have been able to please most horror fans. Too bad it received fewer commercials and ads than the Rape-A-Minute Telethon.
Planet Terror was the real reason to see Grindhouse. Sure, Death Proof had the Tarantino flair, but there's only so much stroking that man's ego needs, and boy did he do a lot of it before finally showing us the goods. On the other hand PT was an all-out grind flick that gave us blood by the bucket loads and the right mix of humor to keep any potential yawns away when the action let up.
4. The Mist - The film had its problems, no doubt, but out of many of the other horror flicks we've seen this year The Mist stands out as one of the better ones. Not only did it deliver a good adaption of King's work, but it gave us an ending that will be talked about for a long time to come.
How often do we get to see giant creatures terrorize small towns anymore? Hell, when was the last time you saw a little old lady brandish a can of bug spray and char a giant skull-faced spider?
3. Hostel Part II - While nowhere as good as the first film, Hostel 2 did give us what we wanted from the torture porn genre. It took a long time to get there with some useless character development and long stretches of boredom, but the film took off once people started to get cut up.
Hostel Part II was the perfect way to wind down the torture porn craze that is now taking over the direct-to-video market. Eli Roth's flick should give you enough gore and sick humor to last a few years until the next trend makes the rounds.
2. Fido - Here's a pic that deserved a much wider release than say Blood and Chocolate. The horror-comedy about a society that has recovered from and domesticated the zombies had all the right elements missing from many films this year. There was some top notch gore mixed with various political messages that were never shoved in our faces; this film succeeded where 28 Weeks failed.
Fido also managed to be a little heartwarming with the message about what it really means to be alive. Now, take into consideration all these elements and ask yourself, "Why did we have films like The Hitcher in theatres instead? "
1. Hatchet - This was a very nice surprise in '07. Adam Green was able to create a slasher movie that made us laugh and also jolted the audience with the amount of fancy gore it created on a tight budget. Screams, blood, laughs, tits and bush bugs seem like an odd mix for something being trumpeted as "Old School American Horror, " but it works. One minute you're laughing about crotch crabs and the next year wide eyed as old Hatchet-Face belt sands someone's face off.
In a day and age where the home video market is over flooded with schlock and even theatrical releases are mind blowingly lame, it is nice to know that there are some filmmakers out there that know how to entertain.
5. Blood and Chocolate - Wow. 2007 was the worst year for book adaptation. A decent young reader's novel about family, heritage and love was turned upside down and transformed into a Eurotrash orgy for Underworld fans. Characters never developed, everyone was drinking absinthe and the filmmakers somehow turned werewolves into the gayest monsters in recent memory.
The problems didn't stop there. The director thought it was a great idea that everyone and their mother should be jumping off of walls. Yes, "free-running" is cool … but Jesus H. Corbit at every turn someone was jump kicking off of a wall. Oh, and the title of the film never did make sense … much like in I Am Legend.
4. I Am Legend - More like "I Am Shoehorning in the Book's Title at the Last Possible Fucking Second. " Once again Hollywood is too scared to actually adapt a great book and would rather tear it down into a very basic and almost retarded pop-up book version of the original. Will Smith does do a great job with the watered down material, but that was never enough to save it.
Last minute changes seriously hurt a film that filled the basic entertainment needs. CGI vampires looked like they fell out of a Scooby Doo movie; there was hardly one similarity between the film and book; and the title of the film had no connection whatsoever to the film. Fact is different than Legend … what the fuck?
3. Rob Zombie's Halloween - Here was a chance for Rob to show that he was more than a one trick pony that always had to use the middle finger and over the top trailer trash characters to make his movie work. He had the opportunity to dive deeper into the mind of Michael Myers and give us a remake worth the price of admission. Sadly, he never evolved.
What we got was a half hour's worth of a great movie followed by the cliff notes version of Carpenter's original Halloween, but with added shots of bare vagina. We know nothing more about Myers than in previous films. He was a fucked up kid that killed animals and eventually people … but why is never explained. Add in distracting cameos by the truckload and little Miss Strode going all John McClain at the end of the theatrical release and you've got one big pile of shit. Thanks Rob! Better luck with C.H.U.D. ?biting sarcasm
2. The Hitcher - Talk about a film that didn't need to be remade and certainly not remade by Platinum Dunes! The character of the hitcher is stripped down to be nothing more than a silent boring killer and our college teen sweethearts are cardboard cutouts from GAP Ads. There had to be at least one redeeming quality to this flick, right?
Not really. Aside from the hitcher magically dropping a truck from the sky, this was a total mess of a remake. Car chases were turned into music videos and at the end the tiny co-ed was wielding weapons like a pro. You know some filmmakers shouldn't be in the business when they make Joy Ride look like a better film…
1. Aliens VS Predator: Requiem - After working in this business for so long, you should know better than to get your hopes up. Honestly, how could this sequel to Paul W.S. (I'M A FAN!) Anderson's nasty wet dream fail to entertain even as a creature feature? Well, when Fox gives you little money and puts two noob directors in charge you're in serious trouble. What should have been an all out brawl between two iconic horror/sci-fi icons turned into a Where's Waldo game.
The action was so badly lit that we didn't know if the Aliens were fighting or trying to fuck the Predator. Good thing for there was that great story line about a pizza boy, some tart and an ex-con to keep us company. Oh wait, that sucked pretty hard too. Yes, give the cast of every WB teen drama a large portion of screen time because that's what we paid for. This was honestly the worst film of 2007, not because it was a disappointment, but because it wasn't AVP at all. The film didn't even deserve the title. What a way to end the year…