Like a Knife Through Vampire Butter
In my eternal quest to bring you information on all the latest in direct-to-DVD genre related schlock, I tend to come across some films that, well... Today’s cinematic schlock in question is called Blade of the Vampire. I direct you now to the film’s synopsis.
"When ancient and bloodthirsty vampire Vandalis descends on Hollywood, it isn’t long before he is preying on innocent runaways. But the killer meets his match when one of his fellow brethren tells him he is being hunted – and the hunter carries a mythical blade with the power to cut through even the undead..."
Huh? A blade that can cut through the undead – as opposed to all those knives that just bounce off of them? Are vampires impervious to being cut now? Is this film introducing a new piece of vampire lore, or is this just a case of the person who wrote that synopsis being in serious need of a kick to the head? Or did they write the synopsis after taking a serious kick to the head?
Naturally, I had to let my fingers do the typing to see if I could dig up any other info about Blade of the Vampire. Sure enough, I came across a webpage for the film on the site of its production company that came complete with a full-length plot synopsis. I won’t reprint that full synopsis here, but to sum it all up, it’s essentially that earlier synopsis only with more details, more character names, and not worded nearly as stupidly.
Then I watched the trailer they had up on the site and came to realize that perhaps a stupid synopsis probably suits Blade of the Vampire just fine. Basically, there’s a vampire lord that looks like a regular guy being pursued by a vampire hunter that looks like an even more regular guy. The Average Joe vampire hunter has a mystical weapon, a goth’d up Ginsu knife that looks like a prop that could be purchased in the dealers' room at any fantasy convention. But mostly it appears that vampire and vampire hunter prefer to shoot at one another and slug it out like a fight scene from any random 1980's private eye show.
Forgive me if I’m extra cantankerous when it comes to this film, but I’ve had a major string of bad luck of late when it comes to sitting through low budget vampire flicks, and Blade of the Vampire doesn’t look like it could be the one to break that streak. It looks super cheap, super generic, and super bad.
Blade of the Vampire will arrive on DVD shelves September 5th. Hey, there’s always a chance it won’t totally suck. A slim chance, but a chance no less.
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