Seventh Son (2015)
Steve Barton
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Starring Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore, Ben Barnes, Alicia Vikander
Directed by Sergei Bodrov
Two years. That’s how long Seventh Son has been sitting on the shelf. Is it “two years bad?” No. Is it any good? Not really. It’s just kind of exists. More on that in a minute.
In the flick Jeff Bridges plays Master Gregory, a demon hunter who’s known by trade as a Spook. Yep, a Spook. Don’t blame the movie though; that bit of golden writing was adapted from the book this film is based upon, The Spook’s Apprentice by Joseph Delaney. Glad to know that someone’s taking back the word spook! Take that, racial epithet!
In any event, after his apprentice is killed, the Spook needs a new apprentice, one who happens to be the seventh son of a seventh son. He finds young Tom Ward (Barnes), takes him under his wing, and together they do battle against the evil witch queen Mother Malkin (Moore) and her minions.
That’s a spoiler-free description of the story, but honestly, there’s not much to spoil because Seventh Son is about as formulaic as they come. It’s a medieval buddy cop movie complete with needless romance excerpts, this one saving that one, that one saving this one, this one turning out to be not who you think they are, that one fighting for redemption, and even a moment when our two heroes stand upon a high cliff and jump off slowly and simultaneously into the waiting water below. The movie ends exactly as you’d think it would end, thus holding firm to its innate ability to have its viewer know exactly what’s going to happen during the film… every step of the way… until its final seconds.
Upon entering the theatre for the screening, we were treating to a Seventh Son splash image on the screen. At screenings there are no trailers so while you’re waiting for the movie to start, you’re left gawking at a title treatment emblazoned with a start date. Notice anything wrong with this one?
Little did I know this title treatment would set the tone for at least 40% of Bridges’ dialogue, which is unintelligibly delivered. Why is this man speaking as if he were a combination of The Dark Knight‘s Bane and a drunken Leprechaun? Who thought this was a good idea? “Hruff deha ruffha fruffah der heffruffharuffa!” What did he say? Oh, that was a one-liner. Too bad I haven’t the slightest clue what it was. This goes on and on.
I remember watching the 1997 film adaptation of Spawn. There was so much demonic CGI, especially during that movie’s finale, that not only did I not give the slightest shit about what was going on, but I also had a headache. Seventh Son helped me relive those moments tenfold. Here’s a movie rife with monsters that are admittedly cool looking with all of the personality of a paper bag. The only bit of practical effects came in the form of an ogre character named Tusk, who appeared to be the twisted love child of Vin Diesel and Rondo Hatton. A similar character appeared in the movie Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. His name was Edward, and he was played masterfully by Derek Mears. If you’ve seen that, then you’ve already seen this character. Hell, you practically have already seen this movie as they’re ridiculously similar with one dividing factor – Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters was a bloody blast from start to finish and handles this material a hell of a lot better than Seventh Son.
In the end the meanest trick of Seventh Son‘s witch was sucking all the fun out of something that I should have been enjoying like a 4-year-old who was given a lollipop the size of his head. Again… it’s not all bad… it’s not all good… it’s just there, and believe me… no one would have bemoaned it being left on the shelf for another two years and beyond.
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Film
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