Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross
Directed by Gregory Hoblit
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
My name is Owen Reilly. I am the villain or hero of Untraceable. The reviewer you were expecting, a chubby bald man by the name of Uncle Creepy, has been incapacitated. As I type this, he's hanging upside down from a bar over millions of broken razor sharp DVD copies of Strawberry Estates. The reason for his capture and newfound dilemma is simple -- He was going to give my movie a negative review. ROFL. Can you imagine? You would think that someone who makes a living typing on a computer would have more sense. We'll get to him in a little while. On to the plotline of my masterpiece.
Agent Jennifer Marsh spends her time working for the FBI's Cyber Crimes division. Once my website KillWithMe.com went live, she immediately started meddling in my affairs. You see, I had plans. I just wanted to capture some folks and film them with my webcam. The more of you who tuned in to watch, the quicker the victim died. Sure I stole my idea from an episode of the TV show Millennium called "“The Mikado", but art has been known to imitate life and ... Wait ... hang on ... BRB
*Stops Creepy from thrashing about by threatening to break his vintage Six Million Dollar Man doll*
OK, back. Here's the deal. My DVD is on store shelves. You will go buy it, or your reviewer will be lowered onto the deadly tower of broken Bonk until he is cut to shreds and eventually bleeds out. The faster my DVD sells, the faster Creepy dies. I will be keeping an eye on sales charts.
What? You need more incentive? WTF?!? How about supplemental materials? There's almost an hour's worth here, and some have said what's included is even more interesting than the film itself. Those people have since been dealt with. QFT -- There are behind-the-scenes featurettes on the production design, the cast, and of course your traditional making-of stuff. Plus there's a commentary if you want to listen to the filmmakers sing my praises.
Break out your credit cards. Hit your Best Buys. I'm doing this not just for me but for everyone Creepy has ever lambasted in a review. Ron Bonk? Rejoice! James Dudelson? It's party time! As an added bonus, the mastermind behind the far superior Night of the Living Dead: The 30th Anniversary Edition, John Russo, will be filming this and then shooting more footage to be spliced in at a later date. The clock is ticking.
TTYL!!!!!!1111!!11111
Special Features
1 1/2 out of 5
Special Features:
3 out of 5
Discuss Untraceable in our Dread Central forums!
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TechnoratiSubmitted by Uncle Creepy on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 7:34pm.
I am the center of my own machismo
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Thu, 05/15/2008 - 4:11am.
Saw Creepy the other night. He was in one piece. Though now he has a battle scar running down the length of the left side of his face. It's bad ass looking though.
Submitted by The Buz on Thu, 05/15/2008 - 3:58am.
For the record ... I have Austin, Goldman, Maskatron (with JOHN SAXON face), and Sasquatch.
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 2:45pm.
Also, you cannot call yourself a pimp unless you have the Oscar Goldman doll. That's where the real power lies.
Submitted by Chainsaw on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 1:21pm.
I am surprised and dismayed that Knetter did not come to your rescue and beat Owen by drowning him in menstrual blood.
Submitted by Chainsaw on Mon, 05/12/2008 - 1:20pm.
No worries guys ... due in part to my extreme testicular fortitude, and my Kung-Fu grip, I've sent Owen packing. Can someone help sweep up all these broken DVDs? Oh and you may wanna call a doctor too. Somehow Mr. 30th Anniversary Edition got analed with his camera during the fracas.
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 5:23pm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67p_3HRfJ94
Submitted by thedudeabides on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 12:18pm.
Now that's just dirty.
Submitted by Spaceshark on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 10:05am.
Maybe I should have said 'His Royal Saltiness'.
Submitted by Cash Bailey on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 9:05am.
Sorry, a penis joke came to mind.
Submitted by Spaceshark on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 8:07am.
Submitted by Spaceshark on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 8:06am.
Could it be true?
Could 'The Salty One' really be gone from us...?
Submitted by Cash Bailey on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 6:02am.
Not ...
dead ...
yet ...
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 2:13am.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by ImTheMoon on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 1:10am.
*swings lifelessly*
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Sat, 05/10/2008 - 12:07am.
I don't think Creepy made it.
Submitted by Spaceshark on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 11:58pm.
*tries knocking*
*wants to do it twice*
*can't see the wall due to Russo's lighting rig which incidentally is far superior to the one that they didn't bother using in AVPr*
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 10:02pm.
Creepy, I've called authorities. Knock once if you're okay, knock twice if this movie sucks.
Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 9:22pm.
Don't worry, Creepy. I'm coming to save you!
*jumps in car equipped with On Star*
Aw, shit!
Submitted by Sirand on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 9:20pm.
*continues blinking with great vigor*
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 9:18pm.
wait does anyone here know morse code?
Submitted by ImTheMoon on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 8:40pm.
Threating a helpless Steve Austin doll? That son of a bitch! Don't worry dude, we'll find you and go in all gangbusters style FTW!
Submitted by frank_dracman on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 8:40pm.
*blinks furiously*
Submitted by Uncle Creepy on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 7:47pm.
Quick, Creepy! Blink morse code so we know where you are!
Submitted by Sirand on Fri, 05/09/2008 - 7:42pm.