Transylmania (DVD)



Transylmania on DVDReviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Oren Skoog, Patrick Cavanaugh, James DeBello, Jennifer Lyons, Paul H. Kim, Irena A. Hoffman, Musetta Vander

Directed by David & Scott Hillenbrand

Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment


I knew this was going to be bad. Yet, no amount of expectation could prepare me for just how wretched Transylmania was. Directors David and Scott Hillenbrand apparently figured that the time was right for them to try and ride the Twilight bandwagon with their alleged comedy about college dimwits spending a semester at a Transylvanian university that used to be a vampire’s castle. The duo then renamed their flick, which was originally known as Dorm Daze 3, to Transylmania and then somehow organized a 1,000-theater release whereby it grossed a whopping $397,641. These are the facts as we know them.

I'm not going to bother writing a review for the actual film itself. If you really want to know the ins and outs, read the Foywonder's Transylmania review here. He covered it all. I have nothing to add.

Instead, I've decided out of spite to build you guys a list of activities that would no doubt be more fun than ever sitting through this blundering mess of a movie.

  • Beer barrel polka.
  • Nipple tweaking.
  • Pretending to be a living statue.
  • Practicing the patented action movie car hood slide™.
  • Shadow puppets.
  • Carving tiny wooden busts of Little Richard.
  • Freeing the lions in the name of Mandela at the Big Apple Circus.
  • Rubbing the headstone of Lobster Boy Grady Stiles.
  • Plinko.
  • Fashioning the world's largest rubber band ball.
  • Handing out black balloons while dressed as the Grim Reaper at the local old folks home.
  • Listening to the musical stylings of high pitched and portly deceased superstar Tiny Tim on "repeat" until madness sets in.
  • Finally auctioning off that coveted and thought to be missing bitten-off Evander Holyfield ear chunk.
  • Rolling like a newborn baby across an insurmountable wave of belly fat on the heaviest woman we can find.
  • Shaving the dead.
  • Yep. All winners for sure and far more entertaining than Transylmania was. For those gluttons for punishment out there who will not heed my warning, the DVD is sporting an array of special features that you will never want to watch. They're listed below if you're at all curious. Though not a bad haul, there's just one problem ... they discuss the making of this pitiful flick, which renders them flaccid and unfunny by default. Not even the gag reel packs a single noteworthy chuckle. It's like taking part in a science experiment to see just how vapid one film can be.

    Throughout the entire time spent with this DVD, I didn't even come close to cracking a single smile ... and I'm someone who got a few laughs out of Stan Helsing. This, dear reader, is the bottom of the barrel. It truly doesn't get much worse. Steer clear of this flick. Shun it. Avoid it like a blind Thai she-male hooker with a stinging case of priapism and really bad aim.

    Special Features

  • Filmmakers and Cast Commentary
  • Alternate Opening and Ending with Optional Commentary
  • Deleted and Extended Scenes with Optional Commentary
  • Gag Reel
  • Behind-the-Scenes Featurette
  • Stoner Trailer

    Film

    1/2 out of 5

    Special Features

    2 1/2 out of 5

    Discuss Transylmania in our forums!




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    e-x-i-t's picture

    i bet if they'd just scrolled this review slowly up the screen for 90 minutes and skipped the "film" they would have broken the $400k mark.


    Submitted by e-x-i-t on Mon, 04/26/2010 - 12:02am.
    Emilie Noetzel's picture

    This movie came out on my birthday or around it. Usually, any movie that comes out around my birthday turns out terrible or really boring at best. For those that would like to take notes, my birthday is December 8th (I'll be 30 this year, not afraid of talking numbers). So far I have been treated to Blade: Trinity, Van Helsing and other lovely movies for my birthday.

    Also, I can vouch for UC caring. He cares more then he should sometimes and needs a vacation I believe.


    Submitted by Emilie Noetzel on Sat, 04/24/2010 - 1:23am.
    LifeMi's picture

    Creepy, let me take this opportunity to say that I dug your review. I haven't seen the movie and I don't intend to, but the review was funny as hell.


    Submitted by LifeMi on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 8:26pm.
    Terminal's picture

    Dug, shave the dead, get it? Wokka wokka!

    I'm going to go list random crap for my latest review, pardon me.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 8:31pm.
    LifeMi's picture

    From experience, I have learned that there are at least three certaintiies in this world.

    1. Taxes
    2. Dumb Politicians
    3. Terminal's Complaints


    Submitted by LifeMi on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 9:13pm.
    Verdugo's picture

    I was in Block Buster buying Battlefield: Bad Company 2 when the preview for Transylmania came on. Needless to say, I came closing to chucking the game away and diving through the window.


    Submitted by Verdugo on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 2:06pm.
    moderator Glad you guys dug "my
    Steve Barton's picture

    Glad you guys dug "my review", and all of you pretty much hit it on the nose as to why I chose to do it the way that I did (except for Terminal of course as he's the only person I know who reviews reviews). Just wanted to do something the movie failed to do ... be semi-entertaining.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 1:48pm.
    Terminal's picture

    "except for Terminal of course as he's the only person I know who reviews reviews"

    It's not a review, though, so I guess you could say:

    "except for Terminal of course as he's the only person I know who reviews two sentences I called a review"

    *mwah!*
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:15pm.
    FireRam's picture

    I was outside practicing the patented action movie car hood slide™. I can now be seen on Youtube under the "epic fail" category. LOL


    Submitted by FireRam on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 2:01pm.
    Vanvance1's picture

    I don't mind the content of the review. I don't feel DC needs to be completely traditional in their reviewing process. Especially considering it's an amusing article and links you to more information (another review) if you need it.

    Dorm Daze 3 pretty much does the job.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:57am.
    Terminal's picture

    So why call it a review and then refuse to review it and point to another review? Why not re-post Foy's review with the added specs from the DVD? And you barely reviewed the special features at all. At least do that. Or palm it off to someone who would want to review it. Seems lazy to me is all I'm saying.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 4:41am.

    Looks like someone's got a hair up their ass again.....


    Submitted by LSD Zombie on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 2:56pm.
    Terminal's picture

    LSD Zombie, I want to respond, but I'm not going to respond. Instead I'll point you to a response and list DVD specs instead:

    # Filmmakers and Cast Commentary
    # Alternate Opening and Ending with Optional Commentary
    # Deleted and Extended Scenes with Optional Commentary
    # Gag Reel
    # Behind-the-Scenes Featurette
    # Stoner Trailer
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 8:15pm.
    moderator No one in their right minds
    Steve Barton's picture

    No one in their right minds would want to review it. And honestly? I'd feel bad throwing this abysmal and wretched flick on top of anyone's workload. I have a conscience, dude. Believe me I spent more than enough time with this DVD and said even more than it warranted. There's a difference between being "lazy" and being disgusted beyond words. This was like therapy for me. Watch the movie. Feel my pain. You'll understand.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 4:58am.
    Terminal's picture

    But for that just post it as a press release then. "Here is the DVD, here are the special features, and check out Foy's Review!" I remember when I used to visit Arrow in the Head and I went to read his review for the Stepford Wives remake and I clicked the link and it was just a giant picture of him flipping the bird with a subtitle that read "Fuck this movie!" And I just groaned thinking "Why even call it a review? Just don't bother with it!" It was amateurish. Okay, so you despised the movie, but don't post it under the pretense that it is a legitimate review, is my point. Comes off as a real waste of time.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:30am.
    moderator "Comes off as a real waste
    Steve Barton's picture

    "Comes off as a real waste of time".

    Um ... that's the point. Congrats. You just nailed it.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:33am.
    Terminal's picture

    Uh... what did I nail? That you admitted the "review" was a waste of time? That the movie was a waste of time? Or that me saying it was a waste of time was the truth? If so then... dude, you're not trying anymore, are you? *shrugs* I'll go read an actual review of the movie, if it's all the same.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:35am.
    moderator This review is a picture
    Steve Barton's picture

    This review is a picture perfect reflection of the movie, Terminal. Completely pointless. Do you really need it that spelled out for you? Please go ferret out as many reviews for this mess as you can. Knock yourself out. When you render yourself brain dead as a result don't blame me. ;)


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:38am.
    Terminal's picture

    This review is a picture reflection of the reviewer saying "I don't give a shit about writing, so go fly a kite." It looks like a DVD Active news clipping! It's not a review!! Bad Creepy, very bad. Go away little bird. Fly.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 5:57am.
    moderator It seems to me he cares
    Debi Moore's picture

    It seems to me he cares quite a bit about writing -- but in this case he's doing it to entertain his readers rather than to just churn out another by-the-numbers critique of a movie that pretty much everyone agrees is crap anyway. It's one of the things we do to set ourselves apart from the other sites out there. And after all, isn't "review" really just another name for "editorial"? There's no hard and fast rulebook for how it has to be done.


    Submitted by Debi Moore on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 1:24pm.
    Floydian Trip's picture

    An editorial and a review are very different, imo. I'd like to see more editorials on here. A review could be done by anyone and I'm sure the average person visiting this site doesn't recognize one reviewer from another and it's just a Dread Central review to them. An editorial is more personal and allows a reader to really get to know an editor on a more intimate level. That's how I distinguish them anyway. Not sure what the actual definitions are.


    Submitted by Floydian Trip on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:21pm.
    Terminal's picture

    You're really just rationalizing the whole lack of effort, WIB and it's quite apparent by your response that you're inadvertently admitting Creepy not only didn't try but didn't write an actual review at all. If that's what you guys think of your readers, then I think you seriously need to re-assess your whole mission statement altogether.

    I'd prefer by the numbers instead of "I'm going to finish this in five minutes."

    In the past when Creepy pointed to another review, he'd at least go on for three paragraphs about what HE thought. Pardon me if I expect a review from the review section, I didn't know that was a lot to ask from a horror site.

    Man, if sites like AICN, and BD, and CHUD tried to get away with this, they'd be raked over the coals. Hell, "Cop Out" was insane garbage, but Devin Farraci at least reviewed the damn thing. That's called effort.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:18pm.
    moderator Let me break it down for you
    Steve Barton's picture

    Let me break it down for you ... we tirelessly knock ourselves out bringing you guys the most up-to-the-minute news and reviews. Every day. All day. All week. All year. Holidays included. That's what our mission statement is and that's what we do, and we do so happily because we love doing it and are passionate about this genre, so there's no need for reassessment. Say what you want about me, but don't you ever call into question the integrity of this site.

    If the movie wasn't a lazy, lifeless, putrid waste of celluloid I would have taken more time with it. In the end it just honestly didn't deserve any more effort than what I gave it. And for that matter if I wanted to do my review using nothing more than images of finger puppets it's my choice to do so. Please point me out a movie reviewing guide book that says that I can't. Instead of incessantly droning on, and on, and on, and on about a movie you haven't seen and know nothing about other than what you've read -- see it and write your own review. Post it here and put your money where your mouth is. Let's see what you got, my brother.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:41pm.
    Gus Bjork's picture

    Do you guys want puppets for movie reviews? I can totally hook you up.


    Submitted by Gus Bjork on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 8:30pm.
    Floydian Trip's picture

    Devin is a complete asshole. DC blows CHUD out of the water along with all those other sites you mentioned.


    Submitted by Floydian Trip on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:24pm.
    Cinemascribe's picture

    Terminal is THIS really the movie over which you wish to spark an ongoing debate about whether or not what UC has posted can justifiably be regarded as a review?
    Personally, I see this as a matter of semantics. I'd categorize the article as a type of review simply because, in the text, he makes it perfectly clear that the film-in his opinion -sucks. The intent and result are both the same as they would have been had Creepy issued a five page dissertation on the total aesthetic failure of the movie.

    And UC..have you shaved the dead lately? It's hard work,man. You never can tell the moment they're gonna wake up and try to take a bite out of you. The preventative measure of first donning hockey pads has served me well in those instances. :)
    -----------------
    "I'm saying that I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man...and loved it. But now the dream is over..and the insect is awake." - Seth Brundle


    Submitted by Cinemascribe on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 7:05am.
    Terminal's picture

    I'm not sparking an ongoing debate because people wish to defend a lazy effort in which they merely listed DVD specs on a section that reads: REVIEWS

    I'd have preferred a five page dissertation because it would have said "This movie sucked, but I care about the readers enough to review it."
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 6:13pm.
    moderator Wait ... so you think that
    Steve Barton's picture

    Wait ... so you think that my review of Transylmania means I don't care about the DC readers? Really dude? Really? LOL Wow. Just wow.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 7:02pm.
    Terminal's picture

    Well you've yet to really argue your point to prove you put effort in to this "review" and you've admitted on this thread and in the "review" that you didn't even want to review it. The website content you put out reflects on how much you care about the readers and your fans, and this "review" says "I'm not going to try to write because seriously, who gives a shit?"

    And judging by the general consensus, no one really seems to give a crap if you actually try, so hey, more power to you on coasting by on the site. You're very disciplined.
    ----------
    "We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


    Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 7:25pm.
    moderator My effort went into writing
    Steve Barton's picture

    My effort went into writing something that was semi-entertaining regarding a movie that's about as flaccid as ninety-year old cock. As always you're the only one who doesn't get the joke. And honestly? Do you really think we "want" to review some of the stuff that we sit through? Yeah, I'm sure Foy is a HUGE fan of Uli Lommell! Give me a break, dude. Try trading in your need to be holier than thou for a sense of humor. This was a review for a brain dead flick that was DOA from the get go -- not a written essay on the cure for Cancer.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 04/21/2010 - 8:38pm.

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