SuicideGirls Must Die! (DVD)



SuicideGirls Must Die! on DVDReviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring The SuicideGirls

Directed by Sawa Suicide

Distributed by First Look Studios


The SuicideGirls and the horror genre go together like two lovably deranged peas in a sick little pod. I mean, who can't love a group who pride themselves on being naked tattooed chicks? When the announcement came that they would be starring in their very own slasher flick, it seemed like a no-brainer. They have the T&A part down like a motherfucker so to add some violence into the mix? It has to be good times, right?

The plot is quite simple: The girls pack up and head to middle-of-nowhere Maine for a calendar shoot in which their every moment will be captured on film via hand-held cameras, stationary cameras in their cabin, and even a special confessional booth. It's reality television at its finest, and the girls are in their naked glory, having a great time for the most part until they start disappearing one by one.

Perfect slasher movie fodder. But something has gone horribly awry in terms of crafting these events into a movie. Let me give you an example of how this flick plays out ...

SuicideGirls Must Die! on DVDSuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker.

It was like watching the same five-minute scene over and over again for ninety minutes. As a guy, I never thought I'd be getting bored by watching naked chicks, but wow. Combine that with the fact that there's barely any gore and every "kill" takes place off screen, and what do you have? A whole lot of nothing, that's what.

The girls themselves are entertaining and quite funny at times, and there are a few moments when you think that things may just be coming together, but ultimately this whole thing feels more like supplemental material for a calendar shoot than it does an actual film. Yep, this is one big missed opportunity.

The special features don't help much either. You get a few SuicideGirl trailers, Rigel's post-movie confession, and a photo gallery filled with tiny pictures of the models themselves just about fully clothed. Um ... really?

This is a hard one to rate. If you're a big fan of the SuicideGirls, then you NEED this for your collection! As a promotional tool this is without a doubt a five-star affair, but beyond that? Not so much.

Special Features

  • Rigel confession
  • Photo gallery
  • Trailers

    Film

    1 out of 5

    Special Features

    2 out of 5

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    e-x-i-t's picture

    T&A is great and all, but this has disaster written all over it. plus i'd take angela bettis over every one of these skanks any day of the week (as far as horror actresses go but in general as well.) it's nice of you to warn anyone that might be interested, though...i guess being married helps to avoid the "i'll say it's great in case i meet any of these broads someday" temptation.

    i do love how "tattoos suck/don't suck" became the new off-subject "thrown acid in a bitch's face" thread topic. awesome.


    Submitted by e-x-i-t on Tue, 06/29/2010 - 11:28pm.
    macready's picture

    i think the novelty of suicide girls wore off a long time ago.....


    Submitted by macready on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 9:02pm.
    Didn't See It Coming's picture

    I can't believe you had any expectations for this to be anything more than utter shit.


    Submitted by Didn't See It Coming on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 11:50pm.
    Vanvance1's picture

    The whole 'shaky cam/this is real' thing has become a very tired movie cliche. The last film to make it work was 'Cloverfield'.

    As for the 'models'. Tattoos are a very trendy but very ugly form of self-mutilation. Yuck.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 5:58pm.
    moderator I don't know how you can
    Debi Moore's picture

    I don't know how you can lump all tattoos together like that. Sure, some are hideous and/or ridiculous looking, but others are amazing works of art.


    Submitted by Debi Moore on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 6:22pm.
    Vanvance1's picture

    I guess we have very different ideas as to what constitutes an 'amazing work of art'. I'd say visit Venice and set foot in St. Mark's Square. Pop into Vatican city to see the Laocoon. View the paintings of Edvard Munch, Picasso and Caravaggio. These are amazing, moving works of art.

    Then we have the tattoo. It's not art, it's just someone with a poorly developed sense of the aesthetic substituting cliche for character.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 3:42am.
    moderator I've been to Venice and the
    Debi Moore's picture

    I've been to Venice and the Vatican and still say some tats I've seen are more than comparable to the works of art on display there.


    Submitted by Debi Moore on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 12:10pm.
    Vanvance1's picture

    I'm a little baffled as to how I should reply to that. To compare the 'accomplishment' of a tattoo to that of the Laocoon (or any work or art in the Vatican) smacks of the absurd.

    I have the same feeling when I encounter someone who tells me 'Twilight' is the best vampire movie ever made.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 6:23pm.
    moderator I couldn't disagree with you
    Steve Barton's picture

    I couldn't disagree with you more, Vanvance. There are tattoos that are no doubt cliche and trendy, but there are also those that have deep meaning to the person who gets them. I had a favorite pet who literally was like the Tonto to my Lone Ranger. He died tragically and to honor him I got a tattoo of a paw print if only so that when I do look at it, I remember my now gone buddy and smile. Is that what you would call an instance of "a poorly developed sense of the aesthetic substituting cliche for character?"

    Not only that, but I've seen some incredible tattoo artwork from some amazing artists. Obviously, you're a pretty conservative individual with a strong sense of beliefs and values and that's cool, more power to you, but just because you don't dig something doesn't mean you should make such broad generalizations.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 4:04am.
    Vanvance1's picture

    Sorry Creepy,

    I've heard variations of your story from dozens of women. I've heard about the initials, the fairies, the dolphins the roses, the bees. It has been explained to me time and time again how they contain a vast personal significance.

    The thing is when I see a guy with a paw tattoo I don't think: "Wow, what a great paw! I sure hope the day he dies his family cuts out that piece of skin, tans it and sends it to the Louvre." I'm more likely to roll my eyes and suggest a funnier and cruder reason for it's existence.

    Take heart in the fact that I am very much a minority in this. The vast majority of people love tattoos, Twilight and 2 and a Half Men.

    For me a tattoo is simply an ugly blemish.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 6:33pm.
    moderator And I can assure you that
    Steve Barton's picture

    And I can assure you that just because a piece of art is hanging in a building somewhere, let's say Whistler's Mother for instance, that someone has looked at it and dismissed it by saying "Wow. That's a great picture of a woman in a rocking chair". That doesn't mean they are right in assuming that's all that there is to it now does it?

    Art, much like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. By its very definition it's the product of human creativity. I have friggin' McFarlane figures that I think of as art. Fine art, no, but art nonetheless.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 8:58pm.
    Vanvance1's picture

    This is true to a point, but only to a point. If there were not certain objective means by which art could be measured then it would be fair to say all art is of equal value. That would mean there is no good or bad art. In that world you couldn't say Twilight was shit or Munch's work was any better than a finger painting by a 5 year old.

    The argument over aesthetics is a long and complex conversation and not really suited for this forum. I think anyone with a passion for art of any type can agree that some of it is good, some of it is bad and some of it is just kitsch. There's a reason you post your reviews with a score and there is a set of criteria you use to help determine it.

    I don't have to like something to recognize it as fine art. i.e. I loathe both Matisse and The Beatles yet each has contributed to their field in an important way.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Fri, 06/25/2010 - 12:37am.
    FireRam's picture

    You're definitely right there UC,art being subjective (eye of the beholder). When I sometimes see what one individual pays for what is called "art" I just think WTF! Ok, actually,at times I WTF'D,are you fucking kidding me? He/she paid $X for that fucking thing out loud. LOL


    Submitted by FireRam on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 9:09pm.
    FireRam's picture

    Hmmm,I thought I was the only horror fan without any tats. Looks like there is at least one other lol. Now,although I myself have none,I don't judge those that do. Although the guys getting tribal arm bands when 90% of the individuals didn't even know what the hell it is was dumb. Or the person when I asked why they got their tat said cause the symbol is cool. I asked what it was they said a cross. It was an ANKH. I asked if they knew what an ANKH was and they had no clue,YET they had it branded on their body haha. I know these are just a few examples and do not represent the masses.Some tats are artistic,but why one would want that "art" on their body is just beyond me. As far as female go,I do NOT find branded women attractive. Well,something small maybe in a discreet place (not necessarily privates don't take that the wrong way) is ok I guess but shit on their neck,face,CHEST(YUCK) I just don't find attractive. And that's just MY taste,some guys do and that's cool. To each his/her own.


    Submitted by FireRam on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 10:12am.
    Vanvance1's picture

    FireRam,

    My favourite was a girl I met who had a tattoo of the Illuminati on her back but had NO CONCEPT of what it symbolized.

    The most common bit of stupidity is Chinese characters, the problem being the Westerners who do this don't actually know what they really mean. Often it's not what was intended.


    Submitted by Vanvance1 on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 6:36pm.
    FireRam's picture

    YES! Outside the tribal arm band insanity the Chinese symbology is the WORST! The actual meaning compared to the meaning attempted (or what they think their "cool" new tat means) are often way off. Nice Illuminati story. I was speechless when the young lady was clueless as to what an Ankh was. I would have been more understanding if I showed her a picture and she was lost as to the relevance,but she had it branded on her body lol!


    Submitted by FireRam on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 8:25pm.
    Sirand's picture

    How the hell can you screw something like this up??? HOW???


    Submitted by Sirand on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 4:38pm.
    moderator I'm still stymied. It's such
    Steve Barton's picture

    I'm still stymied. It's such a simple formula gone to waste.


    Submitted by Steve Barton on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 4:58pm.

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