Smiley (DVD)



Smiley (DVD)Starring Caitlin Gerard, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson, Roger Bart, Keith David

Directed by Michael Gallagher

Distributed by Arc Entertainment


Video chat transcript: Feb. 16, 2013, 8 to 8:30p.m. ET

You: Hello.
Stranger: hi

You: Could you put that away, please?
Stranger: sorry bro

You: Maybe I should just move on to the next person.
Stranger: no thats ok. sorry. why r u here?

You: To be honest? No clue. Having trouble writing a review about a movie I just watched. A movie that uses a video chat service much like this one. Thought I’d give this a go, see if any inspiration hit me. Probably not my best idea.
Stranger: why r u writng a review

You: I write reviews for a website called Dread Central. Ever heard of it?
Stranger: yea
You: Oh yeah? You, uh…you ever read anything by a guy named Jinx?
Stranger: who
You: Right. Nevermind. Seriously, maybe we should just see other people.

Stranger: whats the movie u r writng about
You: Ah, geez. A horror flick called Smiley. Don’t kill yourself to see it.

Stranger: what is it about
You: Erm…well, it’s about a group of pretty, obnoxious and/or stupid college kids who run afoul of an internet myth named Smiley, a slasher type. Y’see, when you’re chatting with someone on a site such as this, you’d type in “I did it for the lulz” three times, then sit back as Smiley appears and murders the person on the other end of the chat. The “final girl” of the movie does just that, then begins getting stalked by the titular killer. Run Scream, Candyman, and Cry_Wolf in a blender, and Smiley is what would result. Only, y’know, it’s not good. At all.
Stranger: sounds ok

You: No, no it most certainly does not sound okay. It’s a movie whose best ideas come from other films. It doesn’t feature a single character who isn’t an idiot or an asshole. There are innumerable moments throughout the film that come off as unintentional camp or self-parody. It has absolutely no momentum, dragging on and on just endlessly. And for a film that’s meant to be scary…ha! There is zero tension, not one decent kill, and nothing in the way of scares, save for way too many lame jump scares and shitty dream sequences!

Stranger: dude take it easy lol calm down
You: I AM CALM!

Stranger: u mad bro?
You: …Fini?
Stranger: wats a fini?
You: Nevermind. Really, though, I should go. This was a bad idea.

Stranger: so its pretty bad huh?
You: Uh, yes. Yes, sir. Pretty bad. End of the year comes, I’m thinking this’ll make my “Worst of” list.
Stranger: damn
You: That’s not to say that it’s all bad. The killer actually looks pretty cool, there’s the occasional decent performance drifting about in a sea of terrible acting, and the film’s ultimate idea of a “viral serial killer” is kinda neat. In addition, it’s a competently shot, good-looking movie. That aside, though – it’s just terrible.

You: Still, there’s always the possibility that the people behind this film could make something decent, given a better script. I just don’t think it’d be horror. They simply don’t seem to understand the genre, so much as they ape it. Smiley feels as though it comes from people who view horror as a stepping stone, not a destination – hence the film’s ultimate failure.

You: So no, sir. I would not recommend that you run out and buy the DVD. Or even give it a rental. There’s little of interest there, anyway. A few gory outtakes, a typically unfunny gag reel, a commentary with the filmmaker that I didn’t bother to listen to. Life’s too short, and…

You: Are…are you asleep?! Did you seriously fall asleep while chatting with me?!

You: Ah, to hell with it. Here goes nothing:

You: I did it for the lulz.
You: I did it for the lulz.
You: I did it for the lulz.

Special Features

  • Gory Outtakes
    Gag Reel
  • Commentary Track with Shane Dawson, Roger Bart and Michael Gallagher

    Film:

    1/2 out of 5

    Special Features:

    1/2 out of 5

    Discuss Smiley in our comments section below!




  • -->



    nazo's picture

    Awesome review, you outdid yourself on this one.


    Submitted by nazo on Wed, 02/20/2013 - 11:49pm.
    Matt Serafini's picture

    Inspired review.

    A+, man!


    Submitted by Matt Serafini on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 5:12pm.
    Jinx's picture

    Thanks, man! Means a lot.


    Submitted by Jinx on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 1:36am.
    Jinx's picture

    Thanks for the kind words, gang! Had a lot of fun writing this.


    Submitted by Jinx on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 4:46pm.
    Scott Hallam's picture

    Awesome review, Jinx! A totally new and fresh way to say a movie sucks ass. I'm laughing out loud. Nicely done.


    Submitted by Scott Hallam on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 10:53am.
    aliensharkboy's picture

    This made my morning. Loved the review style.


    Submitted by aliensharkboy on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 5:16am.
    Terminal's picture

    Funny review, way too kind on the movie. This was rancid shit.


    Submitted by Terminal on Mon, 02/18/2013 - 12:33am.

    Comment viewing options

    Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.