Psychon Invaders (2007)

Reviewed by Melissa Bostaph

Starring Randal Malone, Victoria De Mare, Michelle Kova, Vincent Bilancio

Directed by Jeff Leroy

When a film starts out with naked girls wrapped in writhing tentacles, it instantly has my full attention. What can I say? I’m a sucker for any nod at tentacle hentai, especially when the girl is hot and the tentacles look decent. And even though the girl’s nipples are more horrifying than the aliens who remove her face with their fingertip lasers, I couldn’t look away. Boy, did I think I was in for a treat!

Too bad the REAL movie starts right after that...

During the introduction to the main character, she is told “you can’t help anyone working at a soup kitchen”, and then she’s shot in the face with an experimental weapon ... and within a few more minutes of the viewing I wished the same for myself!

Somebody please shoot me!

But make sure it’s with something a bit cooler than a badly disguised Nerf gun that supposedly destroys electronics and will make me see that the people around me are villainous aliens (that’s pretty much how I see people now so the power would be wasted on me anyways). At any rate this newly gifted with alien sight girl is now one of the few people on the planet that are aware of the presence of the aliens, and it seems to be her fate to save the world ... Lord Help US ALL!

As the film progresses further, we meet an overabundance of additional characters, most of whom are pointless filler for an inane plot. I say that as if there actually was a plot. I’m sure there was a figment of one at some point, but it wandered right out of the movie and never bothered to inform the director or leave a forwarding address. Instead we are left with a rambling run-on sentence that engulfs the better part of an hour and a half in a flashy blanket of space droppings.

Even though there is a modicum of talent shown in the directorial, cinematographic, and gore effect departments, it isn’t enough to save this film from itself, let alone the Psychon Invaders that are showcased in it. The film’s acting is over the top, the make-up is ridiculously fake (I have to mention one male character in particular that looks like a waxwork figure in a heat wave), the cartoonish CGI gets annoying faster than a drunk blonde at a book club meeting, the overused explosions never seem to alert the general public to the Martian threat, and it has the worst wardrobe usage I’ve ever seen. The one girl’s bra was seriously over-sized. It was the lingerie equivalent of carrying tennis balls in bowling bags!

They even fucked up my tentacle fantasies! DAMN THEM! The first tentacles showed so much promise that I almost could have overlooked some of the more minor flaws in the film, but NO! They had to make the subsequent tentacles out of plastic bags and twist ties that ended up looking like freakish sausages instead of the original effective tentacles from the opening sequence.

I’m sorry to say that even the random tit and panty-teaser gap shots are not enough to persuade me to give this film a more favorable review. It’s good that the filmmakers didn’t take themselves any more seriously because even through his angora haze, Ed Wood would be able to see that Psychon Invaders is a cinematic turd.

2 out of 5

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