Ghosts of Goldfield (2009)



Ghosts of GoldfieldReviewReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Kellan Lutz, Marnette Patterson, Roddy Piper, Mandy Amano, Scott Whyte, Chuck Zito, Ashly Rae

Directed by Ed Winfield


Five twenty-somethings working for The Discovery Channel led by Julie head to the Nevada ghost town of Goldfield to film some of the haunted happenings inside a hotel closed since the 1930's. They're hoping to capture footage of the ghost of Elisabeth Walker, a maid tortured and killed in Room 109 by her cruel husband. Julie keeps experiencing visions that lead her to discover a terrible family secret that ties her grandmother to the tragic events that befell the place.

Walking...

Standing around...

Loud noise fake scares...

More walking...

Sitting around...

Walking while filming ghosts that say things like "Come to me if you dare"...

More loud noise fake scares...

Ghostly possession humping...

More sitting around...

More walking around...

Flashbacks...

Dream sequences...

Screaming...

Dry humping...

Finally, in the last 20 minutes, long past anyone still has any reason to care, the ghosts actually begin attacking, and the film turns into something vaguely resembling a supernatural slasher movie.

These cable network ghost hunters look more like every generic group of college age horror movie victims than they do filmmakers working for The Discovery Channel. One even whines, "You want to go into a haunted hotel at night?" Yeah, a real professional lot they are. Like getting a job as cameraman on a "Deadliest Catch" type show and whining about how getting on a boat will make you seasick.

The only living denizens of this ghost town appear to be sweater-wearing, toothpick-chomping, bartending hotel proprietor "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and some deaf old guy seated at the end of the bar who may or may not be the first runner up in the 2008 "Dukes of Hazzard" Uncle Jesse look-a-like contest. To hear Piper talk, it's entirely possible his role was originally intended to be played by either Don Frye or Yosemite Sam after being diagnosed with throat cancer.

Some guy from Twilight is also in the movie. He plays some guy. Because some guy from Twilight co-stars may be the only reason this movie even got released.

When a ghostly seductress appears in your room, insulting her with the line "I don't fuck dead chicks" is probably asking for trouble. It's also just plain rude.

There's not much worth saying about Ghosts of Goldfield because, honestly, there isn't much of a movie here, and what little there is I found to be about as suspenseful as watching the b-roll footage from an episode of "MonsterQuest".

I believe I read somewhere that Ghosts of Goldfield was originally going to be the next direct-to-DVD installment in the Urban Legend franchise. If true, I'm not sure why that idea got nixed except perhaps someone actually watched this godforsaken bore and didn't want to risk their money-making moniker with this guaranteed franchise killer, and that's really saying something when you consider the high standards of the Urban Legend series.

1/2 out of 5

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The Unknown Murderer's picture

Dammit, and I like Roddy Piper! A lot! Thanks for the warning. I'll just skip this one.


Submitted by The Unknown Murderer on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 9:35pm.

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