Curse of Alcatraz (DVD)

Good. Now that the checklist has been finished let’s move on to what The Curse of Alcatraz has in store for us…

A group of young adults are invited to investigate the recently discovered remains of someone who was obviously not an employee or inmate of Alcatraz. Not long after their arrival some people go missing, some go insane and the rest run around unable to find a safe hiding spot … in a fucking jail!

Dear God! Nothing happens in this movie!!! A fat guy got an axe stuck in his heart (yet still able to freely move around) and there was a pair of tits, but that was it!

The Curse of Alcatraz could not decide if it is a ghost story or just a science fiction tale about some new strain of virus that turns people into total psychos. However, to get to that confusing part of the plot one would have to sit through a very low budget production hosted by a generic cast who’s members are easily broken up into horror stereotypes. Can we ever get tired of the morally righteous chick, the handsome love interest, the cripple with a heart of gold, a slacker/druggy and the slut? Oh, who will live through the watered down violence and badly lit set?

Touted as the last film to be shot on “The Rock,” this movie doesn’t really take that honor seriously. Easily a story about Native American spirits using the prison as a place of evil is ripe with potential, but the fruits can only be reaped if you have just a little bit of talent. There’s none here. Hell, there is hardly one single talented actor throughout the whole production. Adding that to the mix of zero scares, little character development and one of the most laughable CSI-eque moments in horror history does not cook up an enjoyable experience.

Nothing is memorable or redeeming about The Curse of Alcatraz. Wait, there are plenty of things to remember but they are all bad: boom mic shadows, horrible audio, a stale/backpatting commentary track, telegraphed kills, and an overall feeling that makes trying to 69 a feral tiger more fun than a second viewing.

Don’t … DON’T waste your time on this latest addition to Lionsgate’s quick buck barrel. It may be the last movie filmed on The Rock, but remember all the pictures that were shot there that were much better. Go rent one of them. Hell, even get the Michael Bay one. Damn, that hurt to say. Saying that may have made me sterile!

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