Creepshow 3 (DVD)
Directed(!) by Ana Clavell and James Glenn Dudelson
Distributed by HBO Home Video
Before I begin, please allow me a moment to go and punch my fist through a wall.
OK! Thanks! Why did I do that, you ask? I want to feel the pain in my hand as I type this. I want blood to pour from my knuckles with every keystroke. That is the only way I will ever remember to never, ever, under any circumstances, watch anything else that seeps from the leaky bowels of Taurus Entertainment again.
You see, I am a fool. I honestly believed that it just couldn't get any worse than Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (review here). How wrong I was. What we have here is another putrid shit-fest with a numeral at the end, thus marketing it as the latest entry in a franchise that was once successful. I have seen the faces of cinematic evil. Dudelson and Clavell be thy names.
There's no doubt Creepshow is one of the most beloved films in our genre. Hell, even Creepshow 2 had its moments. But this? It's as if Dudelson and Clavell never even watched those movies. Together they have managed to take everything that was good about them and piss all over it, thereby producing an in name only third installment that is void of any character, depth, integrity, scares, or feeling.
Things are in the shitter right from the start. Instead of a comic book type or even animated opening, we get one that looks as if it were rendered on a Mac using Flash by a thirteen-year-old who has watched one too many episodes of South Park. It's here that we meet our master of ceremonies for this tale. No, not The Creep we all know and love! Why bring back the staple character of the first two films?!? Instead we have ... wait for it ... wait ... for ... it ... a demonic hot dog vendor. I can almost hear you all yelling at your screens right now, calling "bullshit". Yet, I'm not lying. That's what we get -- the evil Boar's Head™ Bitch who plumps when you cook 'em! Oh how frightening! He might get *GASP* mustard on you! I know, I know, you're asking yourself how the people behind this could possibly have thought that this would fly with fans and be cool. You shouldn't be too surprised though, sunshine. After all, we're dealing with filmmakers so inept that they make up words for their titles -- Contagium anyone?
From there we are then treated to several vignettes that are so poorly written, acted, and directed that I simply cannot bring myself to rehash them for you. If you're curious about what you're missing, just check out my far too charitable colleague Johnny Butane's review of Creepshow 3 here. My stomach simply can't handle it.
After the mind-numbingly bad segments that are unabashedly passed off as coherent stories, things are then wrapped up with a pretty little bow as all the tales tie together and our diabolical fast-food peddler shows his true colors by letting his face get melted off via the worst CGI I have ever seen in my entire life. The poorness of this scene nearly defies description. It's as if the artist(!) animating this bit (probably the same thirteen-year-old with the nifty Flash program) was suddenly seized by an epileptic fit while working on it, only to say to himself, "Aw, fuck it. No one's ever gonna watch this anyway." In a perfect world, my jittery friend.
But what of the extras? Dare I watch them?
Thankfully the only bit of supplemental material comes in the form of a 23-minute making-of featurette. As a reviewer it's my job to watch everything and let you know what the deal is. This was one time I knew deep down I should just step back five feet from the TV and let things go. But I couldn't. Part of me had to see what these talentless second-rate hacks had to say for themselves. There I was readying the spot on my wall I was going to batter when it happened. Another guilty party came into my sites -- actor Emmett McGuire, who incidentally hasn't worked in this business since 1977. Most likely because he is awful. What did this guy do to raise my ire and get me to spew some venom his way? It has to do with a statement he made during the featurette that went something like, "Despite the original being written by Stephen King and Part 2 being written by George A. Romero, I honestly believe ours is the best written - and the best film." BLASPHEMY! BLASPHEMER! If this were ancient Jerusalem, you'd get stoned for statements like that! I thought my head was going to explode. Maybe wrecking my wall wasn't enough. Maybe I should just go outside and wait for someone who resembles McGuire to walk by. I could then angrily pounce and beat him to death with my shoe. That'd make me feel better. Yet, I kept my cool, gathered my thoughts, popped a crater into the side of my house, and here I am.
Usually when a film is this bad I get rid of it. It could very well infect the other films in my library with its ever so sour stench of suck. However, I'm gonna keep this one. Only because my conscience cannot let it slip back into circulation. I must keep it off the streets. I do have a heart you know.
In closing I have a message for Dudelson and Clavell ... you should be ashamed of yourselves. Think of all the uninformed and unfortunate fans who will pick this up thinking it's the newest installment in a franchise that was once great. Oh wait, you have thought of them. They're the ones you're counting on to line your pockets by purchasing this worthless cash-in. Let me be the first reviewer to offer you both the finger on behalf of horror fans everywhere. Given lovingly with my bruised and bleeding hand.
0 out of 5
1/2 out of 5
Please do not discuss Creepshow 3 in our forums. Just let it crawl away and die.