Cold Creepy Feeling (2012)
Directed by Keith Kurlander
A couple, Jason and Chloe, meets at a coffee shop to lament their lives. The next morning they get a phone call saying the home of their dreams was theirs. They pack their bags and head to the house, stopping at a fake Western town-cum-zoo while occasionally filming their adventures with a small hand-held camera. This is the first half hour of Cold Creepy Feeling, a supernatural thriller that makes the home movies your dad shot when you were six years old seem Oscar-worthy by comparison.
After a door to a barn mysteriously slams shit and a giant spider bites Chloe in the ankle mid-coitus during their first night in the house, they go to a saloon and play pool and drink. More filler ensues. Finally, they return home and begin to experience a series of bizarre paranormal phenomena – children crying in the distance, a cold feeling that “cuts to the bone” – and decide to call a psychic. In the middle of the night.
It would take way too long to run down the list of things wrong with this movie, but the most blatant would be the direction, a mix of hand-held footage and static shots of scenery that makes liberal use of the camera’s zoom button. Clever metaphors and witticisms would be too kind a description for a directorial effort that, to be blunt, absolutely sucks. The camera moves around wildly before cutting abruptly to a static shot of a mountainside, which then zooms out to reveal a wide expanse of nothing. It’s not even an establishing shot; it’s just filler.
Then we come to the script, a high school project by a film student who slept through the majority of his screenwriting class. Long, drawn out scenes of nothing comprise most of the film, none of which do anything to progress the thin, almost non-existent plot. After Chloe experiences a sudden chill mid-sleep, they hop online and do a search for “cold creepy feeling,” prompting almost ten minutes of boring discussion and video footage of people who have experienced the same thing.
It was at about this point that the disc, already mired with sound problems, began to skip wildly before cutting off entirely and taking us back to the menu. The only theory I can posit is that the film, overcome with just how bad it truly is, committed suicide. A fitting end to a horrible film.
0 out of 5