Clash of the Titans (2010)



Clash of the Titans (2010)Reviewed by Nomad

Starring Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Jason Flemyng, Gemma Arterton

Directed by Louis Leterrier


Humans scratch away at the barren lands under the shadow of immortal beings who know no pain or suffering and demand unwavering worship. When men scream toward the heavens in protest, they are smacked to the ground. When the armies of man launch a campaign of defiance against Zeus himself, the god allows Hades to issue an ultimatum. Sacrifice the princess of Argos, or the Kraken will be set loose on the world! WHO will save them? Legend tells of a man with a shaved head and Australian accent who will lead a dour band of soldiers on a quest for the one weapon that will slay the Kraken. If Hollywood has taught us anything in the last year, it’s that Sam Worthington is the savior of us all.

When attempting to remake any movie, you come up against the fans of the original. When remaking Clash of the Titans, you also face the added wrath of the fans who revere the work of the great Ray Harryhausen above and beyond the original film itself. On one hand, stop-motion animation is extremely antiquated and could be easily surpassed in a “Wow Factor” scenario. Another viewpoint is that stop-motion animation is timeless, making any scene instantly more awesome with the addition of little puppets poised to battle and/or eat humankind. Whatever side you may be on, all the Clash redux would have to do to capture the imagination of a whole new age is deliver fantastic monsters attempting to devour characters we give a damn about. Unfortunately, Clash 2010 fails at both.

Clash of the Titans (2010)For reasons unknown to us, the men of Argos learn that Perseus (Worthington) is a demigod (half man/half god) and, therefore, the only being who stands a chance of killing the colossal Kraken. The film then introduces us to the scrappy band of misfits charged with accompanying Perseus on his quest, the bulk of whom do their best to provide comic relief to incessant speeches about man’s disgust of the gods. *Cue Worthington’s now trademark anguished howl* "DAAAAAMN YOUUUUU, ZEUUUUUUS"! Clash even stacks the deck with two scruffy assassins who are obviously introduced for wacky antics, and the duo are great at their jobs but inexplicably quit the fight early in the movie with nary a joke to send them off. Odd.

Thirty-two one-liners later (all of which fall flat), and we are no closer to caring about any characters except maybe for Io (Arterton), who is cursed with looking hot for all eternity. To make matters worse, every spectacle the film has to offer (which we’ve already seen in the ten plus clips and nearly one hundred stills showing it all that have popped up online) is introduced with the artistic eye one might see on "The Deadliest Catch" when one of the fishermen holds a giant crab aloft in triumph. The best effect of the movie is no doubt the scene stealing Pegasus, the black winged horse. Medusa comes off looking like a high quality comic book drawing, the Kraken is less than awe inspiring, and the giant scorpions may as well have been stop-motion puppets. At one point in the flick we see a giant claw next to one of the warriors, and I swear it swayed like a puppet on strings. "Thunderbirds" are GO!

Clash of the Titans (2010)Rather than offering viewers anything resembling emotionally driven content to hold their attention during the ill explained conflict we're being treated to, the film instead attempts to replace tension and feeling with overly charismatic characters. Unfortunately, there are none here. Our band of warriors seem to have no love for each other so why should we bother to care about them? Of course, there is the forced relationship between Io and Perseus, which is painfully obvious from her first appearance, but even that fails to exact the pulling of any heartstrings.

I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I might be too jaded as I watched giant monsters battle ancient warriors and still found every scene tiresome. Would this blow the mind of some little kid? Maybe so, but I am an adult who has been looking forward to this film since day one. Why am I slowly ... falling ... asleep? It should be noted that I watched Clash in 2D, thereby sparing myself the annoyance of shaky imagery converted to 3D, but the thought of any scene playing better because monster phalanges are being thrown at our heads is fairly inconceivable. Clash of the Titans is a dull, uninspired mess with the emotional depth of a Sid and Marty Kroft TV special. Wait for this on DVD and use it to keep the kids amused in between episodes of "Sponge Bob Square Pants".

2 out of 5

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frank_dracman's picture

I'd fight Uwe Boll. I like the guy, but that would be a hell of a story to tell people. "You dis not love ez Bloodrayne 2!? You must die!!" Then I get knocked the fuck out by a angry German. Priceless.

EDIT- Oops, this was supposed to be a reply to Terminal.


Submitted by frank_dracman on Sun, 04/04/2010 - 1:01pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

It made $32 million between Thursday and Friday. More remakes please.


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Sun, 04/04/2010 - 10:42am.

Shame I was really hoping for this to be good.


Submitted by SelfMedicatedBlues13 on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:34pm.
Foywonder's picture

Nomad was more generous than I would have been. How the hell do you screw up a story this simple?

SPOILER....

They dip into Arab mythology and introduce these obviously Arab humanoids creatures called Djinn, one of which tags along to die in Medusa's lair. Did I misunderstand what happened to that character or did they really have this Arab being attempt to supernaturally suicide bomb Medusa?


Submitted by Foywonder on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 7:58pm.
Nomad's picture

hehe..no you saw that. That really happened. He even said something in english before he did it but I couldn't hear it at all.


Submitted by Nomad on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 2:36pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

Even Ebert gave it a better review than this. But I'm thinking this one is more accurate and Ebert was just being nostalgic.

Actually, is this the first time a remake has gotten a bad review in the history of DC??? Let's make it a trend shall we?


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 6:17pm.
moderator First negative review for a
Debi Moore's picture

First negative review for a remake? Are you serious? April Fool's Day was yesterday, FT!

F13, The Hitcher, Zombie's Halloweens, The Stepfather, When a Stranger Calls, Train, on and on -- all pretty negative.


Submitted by Debi Moore on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 7:46pm.
Prom Night!!
Nomad's picture

Prom Night!!


Submitted by Nomad on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 2:39pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

I was, of course, kidding you Wonderful Incredibly Beautiful woman you.


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 7:48pm.
Terminal's picture

Nice save.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 2:45pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

People don't understand sarcasm and the fact that I am a very sarcastic person which I will never explain.


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 4:42pm.
Spaceshark's picture

Sarcasm doesn't translate too well on text, I'm afraid.


Submitted by Spaceshark on Sun, 04/04/2010 - 6:25am.

This is the second "meh" review I've read for "Clash"... 100% "Meh" reviews so far = Not likely to be forking out extra dough for a "Meh" 3D experience!


Submitted by PelusaMG on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 3:38pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

I've read 8 bad reviews on this movie so far and I include Ebert's 3 star review as being bad, at least the way I read it.


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 6:21pm.
frank_dracman's picture

I'm going to to make a Chris Cockersucker-like video to LEAVE NOMAD ALONE! All he does is give, and you all take, take, take!

I trust him on this one. Being a little jaded myself, this one looks like just another soulless remake. The only reason I'd entertain the thought of seeing this is Jason Flemyng as Calibos. That sounds wickedly awesome to me.


Submitted by frank_dracman on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 9:32am.
Spaceshark's picture

Is the tiktok Owl from the original in the movie? That thing was annoyingly endearing.


Submitted by Spaceshark on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 6:17am.
Terminal's picture

Whoa... I did not expect this type of review. I fully expected the usual DC raver. My expectations for this went from "Kind of looking forward to it" to "I'll take it or leave it."
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:44am.
moderator "Usual DC raver?" I think
Steve Barton's picture

"Usual DC raver?" I think we're pretty fair.


Submitted by Steve Barton on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:55am.
Terminal's picture

Who said anything about being fair? I said that I expected the usual DC raver, which means that nine times out of ten if it has CGI, explosions, and shiny things it gets a good review.

Not trying to antagonize just being honest.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 5:07am.
moderator Oh, I get it ... you
Steve Barton's picture

Oh, I get it ... you referring to said author methinks ;) Poor Nomad. He gets shit if he raves. He gets shit if he doesn't. You guys are a rough crowd. I think he's been pretty much on the money with his last few reviews. Reserving judgment on this one till I see it! LOL


Submitted by Steve Barton on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 5:13am.
*shrugs* I
Terminal's picture

*shrugs* I guess.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 5:17am.
Rottenjesus's picture

If I ever start reviewing movies for DC I would feel empty and meaningless without a comment from you! Your opinion is valuable to us and we care about you.

Just PM me your name, phone number and street address and any deadly food allergies you may have. Just in case.


Submitted by Rottenjesus on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:09pm.
Terminal's picture

You joke, but I'll do it. Hell go to my Facebook page and my number is there. I don't hide behind a screen name. I know I'm bad ass. :-P

And I have no food allergies. Though I do hate coconut. It's disgusting.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:22pm.
Rottenjesus's picture

Would you fight Uwe Boll for five dollars? If you say no you aren't a bad ass. You're NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME? NOTHING! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR MERCY THAT WILL NEVER GET EXCEPT THE COLD MERCY OF THE GRAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!

In all seriousness I don't mind your opinions. If I had the right voice for DFF I would do a "Tribute to Terminal" segment. :)


Submitted by Rottenjesus on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:27pm.
Terminal's picture

"A Tribute to Terminal" segment would kick major ass. And it would inspire me to listen to DFF for once. Me... Me.... ME!!!!
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:29pm.
Rottenjesus's picture

Good whores know when to shut up. ;)


Submitted by Rottenjesus on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:39pm.
Terminal's picture

I'm a mimbo not a whore.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 4:50pm.
Rottenjesus's picture

Nice eye makeup, Termimbo.


Submitted by Rottenjesus on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 7:40pm.
Terminal's picture

It's called mascara genius, and it makes me feel pretty. Because I'm worth it.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 2:46pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

All this time I thought you were a guy.


Submitted by Floydian Trip on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 5:05pm.

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