Blackwater Valley Exorcism (DVD)
Directed by Ethan Wiley
Distributed by Lionsgate
The following account is based on actual events. The names of the victims have been changed to protect the innocent and their distraught families.
On the night of September 30, 2006, a married couple sat down in their cozy living room to watch a movie together. Little did they know the horrors that lie ahead for them. William and Ann turned the lights down and the volume up in order to get the full effect of the scary looking DVD whirring in their player. William thought that if the film was half as frightening as the cover made it out to be, then Ann might just have to cuddle up with him later … and he might get laid!
After running through a bunch of pointless trailers, the movie started, and the couple settled in for the film. A disclaimer scrolls across the screen and tells them that the exorcism scenes were shot in accordance with an actual Catholic Bishop's instructions and the film is based on a true story. William secretly rejoices, "Oh yeah … gonna get laid!"
Within the first few moments of the movie, they thought they were in for a treat. Who wouldn’t with a slaughtered rabbit and a lost girl found covered in blood? "Mom, I ate a rabbit,” the teen states to her mother in a daze with chunks of gory mess hanging off her chin. Of course that was a nice distraction to the horror of watching the creepy display of sexual tension between a young woman and a priest that came next!
Oh yeah. This is quality cinema!
William and Ann were amused to see one of their favorite horror icons pull into view. Yes, Jeffrey Combs graced the screen in full “Burt Gummer style” glory as the local sheriff, Jimmy. And what a naughty sheriff he turns out to be.
The film continues on, and instead of being overcome with fear as the young girl on screen is possessed by demons, the pair find themselves trapped in a ludicrous story of demonic possession and the three-ringed circus that happens within it. Ann hangs her head in defeat as she realizes that she is now faced with the daunting task of writing a review for this cinematic atrocity.
The family veterinarian, aka Dr. Doo-Giggles, intends to use horse tranquilizers to subdue the possessed girl. This seems a bit ridiculous to our captive audience because depending on which medication is contained in the comically oversized syringe (commonly used for administering horse wormer, not injections), the effects on a human can be anything from hallucinations (oh goody, let’s fuck with the possessed girl’s head some more) to full blown respiratory arrest. That’ll show that demon scum who’s boss! Just KILL the bitch yourselves! Of course why expect anything more from a vet who calls the horse with a penis a filly!
This scenario proves too much for poor William, who is thrown into fits of laughter. Soon, exhausted by his hysterics, William drops off to sleep, leaving Ann to suffer through the remainder of the film alone. The poor woman resigns herself to the fact that she indeed must continue this arduous journey without her snoring companion’s accompaniment. Ann has to endure scenes of demon-induced suicide attempts, plot holes the size of that idiot vet’s crazy ass syringe, bad acting, priest sex, bad acting, asinine fights, bad acting, whiney men, body-jumping demons, terrible writing, and oh yeah … bad acting!
By the end of the film Ann has lost several IQ points and is staring blankly at the screen. William wakes from his stupor in time to see the look of absolute bewilderment on his wife’s face. Ann does not hear his apologies; she is too broken to give a shit. They retreat to the refuge of their bedroom. Despite the film’s lack of creepiness … William does get laid.
Oh, come on! Ann deserved something good out of the evening! Besides, these stories always sell better with sex added.
Upon interviewing family members of the unfortunate souls involved, I have become aware that their lives will never be the same. William has since become addicted to horse tranquilizers and was forced into a clinic after refusing treatment. Yet sadder still is the sorry fate of dear Ann. She was regrettably stricken with severe stupidity and now spends her days rocking back and forth mumbling incoherently about a man in Biloxi.
Yes, the above recounts that fateful day in the lives of a young married couple who foolishly decided to watch Blackwater Valley Exorcism and the lingering effects that decision has had on them. It is a cautionary tale that is meant to warn others from making the same mistake.
The DVD in question has since been confiscated by the authorities and is said to contain a making-of featurette, a director's commentary, scene selections(!), and trailers. Copies of this hazardous film will be made available to the public on October 17, 2006. Please heed the warning of this journalist, and steer clear of the contents on that disc. It has already damaged the lives of two innocent people … and probably Jeffrey Combs’ career.
Commentary with Director Ethan Wiley
1 1/2 out of 5
(only because Jeffrey and horses are in it)
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