Bite Size (2009)
Reviewed by Erik W. Van Der Wolf
Starring Chris Green, Brianne René, Scott Bessho
Written and directed by Ty Huffer
"Douglas Peatry's life is a routine nothing more than bland..."
So states the first sentence of the synopsis for Bite Size. Unfortunately, that pretty much describes the movie itself. As much as I truly appreciate the blood, sweat, and tears independent filmmakers put into their work (believe me, it’s no easy task getting your indie film off the ground), nothing can excuse a bad script, which makes it all for naught when all is said and done.
Touted as a horror comedy written and directed by Ty Huffer, Bite Size follows social outcast Douglas Peatry (Chris Green), who works at the “Biff Wellington Research Institute” doing, of all things, hangnail research (yes, the script tries that hard to be funny). He’s such a loser, he constantly steps in dog poop (even when it’s in plain sight), is always late for work, and is harassed non-stop by his co-workers, all of whom feel like left ver characters from bad Police Academy and Revenge of The Nerds sequels. Douglas is even harassed in the company cafeteria by the janitorial staff who do things like steal his lunch and throw food at him. And it’s at this point you have to wonder if this is a medical research company or a freaking high school?
However, Douglas gets his chance for revenge when a duo of animal rights activists “rescue” an animal from a secret government experiment facility, which turns out to be a small shark with a human brain, obviously intended for use by the defense department. Being appropriately several fries short of a happy meal, the activists realize their mistake and dispose of it in the first place they stumble upon, which is Douglas' hot tub. When Douglas discovers the creature, which can also talk via the use of a wireless speaker (sigh...), he sees his chance to get rid of all those who have wronged him and make his personal world a better place. Plenty of hot tub shark antics ensue, people are eaten, and through it all there’s not one genuine laugh to be found, nor anything resembling horror.
Cutting to the chase -- Bite Size is simply a bad movie. It’s almost as if someone remembered the old Carol Burnett skit about Jaws in a bathtub (or was it a Fridays skit?) and thought that would make a funny movie. But the film never evolves beyond the premise or tries to take it to the next level. Huffer’s constant reliance on high school humor simply falls flat and feels like a hodgepodge of scenes from various comedies we’ve seen before, all of them bad.
Not helping matters are the Cinemax After Hours performances from the actors who are not entirely at fault as they are given absolutely nothing to work with or hardly anything original when it comes to humor. Like those “bite size” candies handed out every Halloween, this film left me wanting.
0 out of 5
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