Reviewed by The Foywonder
Starring Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba, Hidetomo Nishida, Mizuka Arai
Directed by Koji Kawano
There are things in this world I will never understand. High atop that list are the Japanese obsession with rape. I don’t get what it is about girls getting sexually violated by tentacles that turns them on or why it is they fetishize rape the way they do. This movie features a particularly distasteful scene of a young girl getting raped by a demented lunatic, screaming in terror, nearly in tears, yet it’s quite obvious the scene was filmed to be wank material for viewers who get off on such imagery. I don’t get it.
Know what other aspect about Attack Girls’ Swim Team Versus the Undead I don’t get? Just about all of it. The story is gibberish even by low standards of Japanese softcore horror porn. A virus has gotten loose in a school via a botched inoculation and has begun turning students and faculty into zombies. The chlorine in the pool has immunized everyone who swam in it. Toss in an unholy madman dressed in a dapper red suit who plays a sex flute that seduces women making it easier for him to have his way with them. There’s a new girl in school who was once a victim of this flute-playing demon rapist and has since been trained to be a lethal assassin, “water terrorist” I believe was the term used to describe her newfound skills. The members of the girl’s swim team eventually don their school swimsuits, pick up weapons, and set about to fight back only to prove quite ineffective. The day is saved thanks to one girl magically developing the ability to unleash a version of the Guyver’s Megasmasher out of her coochie.
If you now find yourself saying “I have got to see this!”, don’t. It’s most definitely a piece of gonzo Japanese exploitation filmmaking but not one that’s wild or sleazy enough to overcome it also being a truly terrible movie. If my description of the plot makes it sound really over-the-top, it really isn’t. It’s sluggish, and none of it is shot with a shred of the manic energy and enthusiasm of many other recent over-the-top Japanese T&A and splatter fests of late. Outside of a few limbs getting lopped off with a ruler and the last-minute introduction of that one girl’s, uh, snatch blaster, the film’s title is more fun than anything within the movie itself.
I’d reckon this film cost only slightly more than your average Uli Lommel production and it shows. The minuscule gore effects, the cheaper than cheap digital effects, they aren’t even laughably bad. They’re embarrassing to watch and completely destroy the very affect the effects were shooting for. The film totally fails on a splatter level because of that reason alone.
But let’s be honest; the real effects anyone will really care about here are the tits and ass. Attack Girls’ Swim Team Versus the Undead displays a good deal of naked young Japanese female flesh. If you were to ask me, personally, while the young ladies are all fairly cute, none of them are really stunners. Though there is no denying that the main girl does have a very impressive rack. It’s obvious the filmmakers were also quite impressed with it. We’re barely a few minutes into the film when she decides to take a shower and quickly gets joined by the other lead female so they can quite literally compare birthmarks. The two will later engage in a fairly lengthy lesbian sex scene in which they get undressed, softly kiss one another and caress each other’s breasts a whole lot. Even Howard Stern would be turned off by this girl-on-girl action. Nothing sexy about it the way it was shot and it doesn’t help that the two young women performing the scene appeared to be quite nervous and uncomfortable. Then there’s the matter of the rape scenes and, sorry, but like I stated at the outset, I just don’t get the rape fetish the Japanese have.
Attack Girls’ Swim Team Versus the Undead is total trash cinema but it’s not even good trash cinema. Outside of the copious amounts of nudity there isn’t anything else going for it and that alone just isn’t enough. I’m sure there’s an audience out there for a crap film like this that would disagree. I’m also sure there’s an audience out there that gets off on watching school girls get raped. No thanks.
1 out of 5
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