Moscow Zero (DVD)

Moscow Zero DVDReviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Vincent Gallo, Val Kilmer, Sage Stallone, and a bunch of people you can barely understand

Directed by Luna (aka María Lidón)

Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

In his weekly DVD release article my partner in crime Johnny Butane wondered, “A zombie movie starring Val Kilmer and Vincent Gallo?!? How did we miss hearing about this one?” I can tell you how … because someone had the good sense not to tell anyone about this putrid waste of celluloid.

When the DVD arrived, I was pretty stoked. I looked at the back and saw that it was rated R. Even better! But … it was rated R only for language? Really? Red flag number one. Wait … is this a zombie movie? Allow me to transcribe for you part of the description from the back cover of the DVD … “The walking dead venture through eternity in the horrifying caverns and catacombs below the thriving Russian capitol of Moscow.” Hm. Sure sounds like one.

Moscow Zero DVDUpon putting the movie in my DVD player, I noticed the second red flag. The only supplemental material available was trailers for other flicks. Interesting. As the opening credits rolled, red flag number three reared its head — the movie is directed by Luna. Just Luna. Who’s Luna? I don’t know, but if there’s anything to be learned from watching and reviewing movies, it’s that usually when a director uses only one name, you’re in for a fairly pretentious experience. Luna didn’t let me down.

The story in a nutshell follows an American researcher named Owen (Gallo) who enters the underground abyss looking for his archaeologist friend that disappeared there. Along the way he runs into a very bored looking Val Kilmer, who for whatever reason has the power to grant him access to said catacombs. And what prowls these catacombs? Zombies, right? Wrong. In an apparent effort to one-up M. Night Shyamalan’s lunacy for using wind as a villain, Luna opts to give us shadows as our menace. That’s right. Shadows. What … the … fuck …

But Luna does so stylishly. Or at least she thinks so. Luna busts out every artsy thing she learned in film school like ridiculous wipes and out of place scene transitions, all while having our characters dart back and forth while avoiding … shadows. Please. Just kill me now. But wait … there’s more! To further complicate things, short of Kilmer and Gallo, everyone in the movie has an accent so thick that you can barely understand any of the dialogue. Even for English, subtitles are a must so if you don’t like reading, you’re shit out of luck.

Looking to experience poo at its stinkiest? Look no further than Moscow Zero. It’s got all the key elements that you want to avoid in a film, and the only reason it’s getting half a knife from me is the film’s sound design, which is quite good.

Moscow: Zero
Fans who watch this: Negative one

Special Features

  • Trailers


    1/2 out of 5

    Special Features:

    1/2 out of 5

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  • Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.

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    • frank_dracman

      Well I’m glad I checked this one out (against my better judgment), it was quite an interesting little movie. Did it verge on pretentiousness? Sure. Was the dialog hard to follow? Yeah, in places. But it kept me entertained throughout despite it’s shortcomings. It wasn’t a remake, so that’s always refreshing, hell, I’ll say it was rather original. GASP! There was a lack of gore and jump scares, but if you’re looking for a low budget movie that doesn’t fall into the many traps that it’s brethren fall into, check it out. I’d give it 3 out of 5.

    • frank_dracman

      Buffalo ’66 is one of my favorite movies. Vincent Gallo was just perfect in his role. It was also the movie where I fell in love with Christina Ricci. I might check this one out against my better judgment.

    • PelusaMG

      The best Kilmer film ever – “Top Secret!”… The best Kilmer performances – Doc Holliday in “Tombstone” and Gay Perry in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”.

      That’s it – Everything else sucks arse (IMHO)!

      • The Woman In Black

        Real Genius, The Salton Sea, The Doors, even Top Gun and Heat have excellent performances by Val. It’s just lately that he’s been in a downward spiral. But according to IMDB he’s got 10 upcoming projects in various stages of production, so hopefully the good Val will rise again!