Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Vincent Gallo, Val Kilmer, Sage Stallone, and a bunch of people you can barely understand
Directed by Luna (aka María Lidón)
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
In his weekly DVD release article my partner in crime Johnny Butane wondered, “A zombie movie starring Val Kilmer and Vincent Gallo?!? How did we miss hearing about this one?” I can tell you how … because someone had the good sense not to tell anyone about this putrid waste of celluloid.
When the DVD arrived, I was pretty stoked. I looked at the back and saw that it was rated R. Even better! But … it was rated R only for language? Really? Red flag number one. Wait … is this a zombie movie? Allow me to transcribe for you part of the description from the back cover of the DVD … “The walking dead venture through eternity in the horrifying caverns and catacombs below the thriving Russian capitol of Moscow.” Hm. Sure sounds like one.
Upon putting the movie in my DVD player, I noticed the second red flag. The only supplemental material available was trailers for other flicks. Interesting. As the opening credits rolled, red flag number three reared its head — the movie is directed by Luna. Just Luna. Who’s Luna? I don’t know, but if there’s anything to be learned from watching and reviewing movies, it’s that usually when a director uses only one name, you’re in for a fairly pretentious experience. Luna didn’t let me down.
The story in a nutshell follows an American researcher named Owen (Gallo) who enters the underground abyss looking for his archaeologist friend that disappeared there. Along the way he runs into a very bored looking Val Kilmer, who for whatever reason has the power to grant him access to said catacombs. And what prowls these catacombs? Zombies, right? Wrong. In an apparent effort to one-up M. Night Shyamalan’s lunacy for using wind as a villain, Luna opts to give us shadows as our menace. That’s right. Shadows. What … the … fuck …
But Luna does so stylishly. Or at least she thinks so. Luna busts out every artsy thing she learned in film school like ridiculous wipes and out of place scene transitions, all while having our characters dart back and forth while avoiding … shadows. Please. Just kill me now. But wait … there’s more! To further complicate things, short of Kilmer and Gallo, everyone in the movie has an accent so thick that you can barely understand any of the dialogue. Even for English, subtitles are a must so if you don’t like reading, you’re shit out of luck.
Looking to experience poo at its stinkiest? Look no further than Moscow Zero. It’s got all the key elements that you want to avoid in a film, and the only reason it’s getting half a knife from me is the film’s sound design, which is quite good.
Fans who watch this: Negative one
1/2 out of 5
1/2 out of 5