Hooked Up (2015)
Matt Boiselle
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Starring Jonah Ehren, Stephen Ohl, Julia Molins
Directed by Pablo Larcuen
A baby’s first steps, endless amounts of vacation time, or any other mindless piece of video that someone would prefer to submit for viral interpretation… but a new horror film, shot on an iPhone? Somebody call a doctor, STAT, cause I’m about to get sick in this place.
From director Pablo Larcuen and producer Jaume Collet-Serra comes Hooked Up, the latest piece of cinematic enlightenment that was shot completely on Apple’s brainchild of cellular beauty, and the best part is, it’s labeled “found-footage.” Could this potentially be the fatal blow to all those Go-Pro toting wannabe filmmakers, so that they may be replaced by any conscious 10-year old with a cell phone in their possession? “Um, excuse me, hostess?? I have a reservation for one in the seventh-circle of hell…thank you.” Look, I’m not bemoaning the potential of some unknowns, but if this current trend continues, the possibility of film-school enrollment will drop drastically, reducing tuitions to an all time low – I smell a conspiracy! (just kidding) The premise is easy to follow with this one: two alcohol fueled douchenozzles, Tonio and Peter, (Ehren and Ohl) decide to take a “bromance” trip to Barcelona to help Peter over his recent break up with his lady-friend, and from the movie’s opening scenes, we see just how much pain Peter is holding in his gut (Technicolor-yawn warning).
Tonio is CLEARLY the more annoying character of this inebriated duo – reminiscent of someone that you wouldn’t lose a beat over if you happened to watch them get pushed into traffic, and Peter is simply along for the ride. Their getaway takes them to the seediest of dance clubs, where they douse their internal organs in copious amounts of booze, and make off for a little romantic rendezvous with a couple of local skags….ahem, I mean, lovely ladies to their home to release some tension – wrong move, boys. Not before long, Peter has a “little issue” with his new-found date, and the night is thrown a most disturbing curve ball. As the fellas scramble to get Peter some medical treatment for his punctured Bratwurst (no, I’m not kidding), it becomes painfully obvious that something in the ladies’ abode will not let them leave. What follows is an endless array of puke-inducing camera…I’m sorry, PHONE angles, dark hallways, whip-shots, and enough “f**ks!!” to power a small village. It turns out that one of the ladies of the disco has a very bad attitude towards American travelers, and she demonstrates this in overtly psychotic fashion.
With a few decent jump-scares aside, and a minuscule drizzling of blood from the crimson faucet, there really isn’t much left to report on this cellular project, other than the fact that with the iPhone’s video capability, we’re able to see a product that looks as if it was filmed with a low-end, shoulder-mounted 16mm eye-blackener – jeez, I sound like one of those mobile phone salesmen. Logical thinking takes the absolute last seat on the bus with this presentation as well, as not only am I a person who is trying to barricade myself from an attack by a homicidal lunatic, but let me set my phone down on the floor over here, so everyone can get the best view of my attempt to block the door from being opened. Give me a minute, as I need to refresh the batteries in my skull so that the “DUUUUHH” light is freshly illuminated.
So let’s see if I’ve got the checklist in order: Acting – horrible. Premise: color-by-numbers. Scares: low-end. Visual presentation: don’t make me do this again. There, that appears to cover everything, so I’ll simply offer this final warning: do yourselves a colossal favor and bypass this “hook-up” at all costs, because if you don’t, you’ll simply be another one of those hopeless tourists that travels overseas to meet the sexy ladies, and be slaughtered mercilessly, all the while your data plan and battery power is being eaten alive while your life slips away, and you’re eventually free from any binding mobile contract.
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Film
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