Reviewed by The Foywonder
Starring Elvira, Dustin “Screech” Diamond, Kelly Packard, Natalia Cigliuti, William James Jones, Megan Parlen
PLEASE NOTE: The movies reviewed in From Here to Obscurity have either never been given an official VHS or DVD release, have been released on VHS but are long out of print and very hard to find, or are readily available in some form but have generally gone unnoticed by most of the general public.
For this edition of “From Here to Obscurity” we’re going to forsake the usual obscure B-movies for an obscure television special about B-movies. Let us travel back in time to Halloween 1995. The network was NBC. The broadcast was a two hour special called Attack of the Killer B-Movies. I’m fairly positive it has never seen the light of day since that particular All Hallow’s Eve. Considering the special was really an infomercial touting the season premieres of a bunch of NBC’s then Saturday morning teen-oriented programs disguised in the form of a “Mystery Science Theater 3000” rip-off, there’s probably good reason Attack of the Killer B-Movies was a one-shot deal.
I can attest to being one of the very few people that ever saw this special the night it aired. Judging by the feedback for the show’s IMDB listing, only one other person besides me has seen it. That almost nobody tuned in is another good reason there was never a follow-up. To paraphrase Frankenstein: “Ratings baaaaaad!”
Memories of this show popped back into my head again some time ago and much to my shock, amazement, and abject horror, I found someone selling a copy of this special presentation on ebay. I plunked down $15 hard earned dollars so that I could relive the experience of watching Attack of the Killer B-Movies and let me tell you something, time did not make this special any more special. The program’s worth more as an interesting curio for fans of Elvira and “MST3K” or just for the sheer weirdness of its existence than it is for what actual entertainment value it provides.
The concept was to take four not-so-classic b-movies from the Fifties and Sixties and chop them down to roughly 20 minutes each in order to be riffed on by the hosts. The four featured films were The Wasp Woman, Killers from Space, Monster from Green Hell, and Navy vs. The Night Monsters. NBC felt compelled to colorize the footage from the first three films because God forbid something that was originally filmed in black & white ever find its way onto network television, even if the only reason it was being aired was to be made fun of. The super condensed movie was then interrupted every 30-90 seconds by a cutaway to the riffers so that they could spout off some not-so-witty witticisms one at a time.
The mistress of ceremonies was none other than the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira. The set-up has her having tied up five NBC Saturday morning teen actors on a living room set so cheap and simplistic I suspect they borrowed it from Saturday Night Live and then decorated it with a few knick knacks purchased from the world’s most impoverished novelty store. Those teen actors were part of something called “TNBC,” a Saturday morning line-up of teen-centric sitcoms; their season premieres were all not-so-coincidentally scheduled for the following weekend. Our roster of teen star hostages: Kelly Packard and William James Jones from a show called “California Dreams”, Megan Parlen of some show I’ve never even heard of called “Hang Time”, and from “Saved by the Bell: The New Class”, Natalia Cigliuti and the living legend, Dustin “Screech” Diamond.
Elvira’s specialty is delivering really bad puns at the expense of really bad movies and she’s a pro at it. The woman knows how to deliver even the punniest of lines in a manner that at least let’s you know that even she’s aware of how bad the line is. Her teen co-stars do not have that experience and deliver their riffs in the exact same manner they’d deliver a bad punchline on any of their respective Saturday morning sitcoms. It takes some pretty bad acting when all that’s asked of you is to sit on a couch and pretend you’re heckling a cheesy movie and you can’t even make that sound believable.
Even worse is how dopey their quips are even by “MST3K” standards quips. Heck, even by “America’s Funniest Home Videos” standards these quips are lame. For example, during the famous scene in Navy vs. The Night Monsters where an unlucky sailor gets his arm torn off by one of the tree monsters, the film cuts away to a bored-sounding Kelly Packard who indifferently cracks, “They should have called this movie A Farewell to Arms” Knee-slapper, huh?
A pretty blonde reciting bad dialogue in a stiff, unconvincing manner; would it surprise any of you to know that Kelly Packard would go on to become a cast member of “Baywatch”?
Even worse, they found a way to toss in lines that were less jokes than just cheap cross-promotional plugs for other NBC programming. Case in point, a scene from Monster from Green Hell that had someone lighting their way through a cave with a torch prompted Screech to look directly into the camera and say, “This reminds me; the ’96 Olympics are right here on NBC.” That’s not even a joke. That’s just a plug – a shameless plug. Another quip with an angry character brought us the humdinger, “He’s really taking ‘Mad About You”s move to Sunday nights hard.” These are the moments that remind me why I originally copied over my tape of this one-time-only special.
Attack of the Killer B-Movies sure is a letdown in the humor department given it combined the talents of Elvira and Frank Coniff. That’s right; I said Frank Coniff, AKA TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater 3000. NBC hired one of the top writers and performers from “MST3K” to script a two-hour special designed to rip-off the basic concept behind his own show, only replacing a guy and two robot puppets at the bottom the screen with Elvira and a quintet of teenage automatons interrupting the movie periodically. I joked to a friend I showed this special to that so many of the jokes bombed to such a degree that I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Coniff intentionally set out to sabotage this “MST3K” knock-off from the get-go. I’d be bold enough to say that my friend & I fired off funnier riffs during the movie portions of the show than anything that came from the actual scripted material.
Now that’s not to say that there aren’t any funny moments. I’d speculate that the joke ratio was about 20-1 in favor of jokes that either completely missed the mark or might have been funny if they’d actually come out of the mouths of people who understood how to fire off a good zinger. Most of the funnier moments came when they visually interacted with the movie itself: pretending to be on the other end of a character’s phone call, superimposing Dustin Diamond’s head over a film character’s noggin, or even having Elvira appear like the center square on “Hollywood Squares” during a multi-screen sequence in one of the movies.
The ultimate punchline of the program has the teens getting revenge on Elvira by (after taking a moment to plug next weekend’s “TNBC” season premieres) tying her up and subjecting her to a non-stop marathon of “Full House” episodes. Har-dee-har-har. When you’re a cast member of “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” you really don’t have much room to be taking potshots at show like “Full House”.
The only real laugh out loud moment occurred when Elvira introduced Navy vs. the Night Monsters. Elvira mentions that it stars the guy that played “Bud” on Father Knows Best, who she described as a kid actor whose career was totally washed up by the time he was 17. There’s a clap of thunder and a lightning flash right as she says the part about being washed up by 17 and all the teen actors begin glaring at her in a most uncomfortable manner. Elvira then nervously assured them that would never happen to any of them. This was damn funny because… Well, let’s just say that Elvira lied. The most famous teen star of this bunch remains Dustin “I couldn’t even get you to buy a t-shirt to save my house, so can I at least interest you in a sex tape instead?” Diamond. Thankfully, this video does not end with Screech giving Elvira a Dirty Sanchez.
2 out of 5
Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters Review – A Timid Step Towards a Frightening Possibility
Starring Mamoru Miyano, Takahiro Sakurai, Kana Hanazawa, Yuki Kaji, Tomokazu Sugita
Directed by Kobun Shizuno and Hiroyuki Seshita
The Godzilla series is the longest-running franchise in cinema history. With over 30 films over a 60+ year career, the famous kaiju has appeared in video games, comic books, TV shows, and more, cementing its place as one of the most recognizable cultural icons in the past 100 years. With Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, the titular beast makes its foray into the world of anime in this first film in a proposed trilogy. While there are moments that are genuinely thrilling, the film unfortunately fails to capture the imagination and wonder that is at its fingertips.
The story is quite simple: Earth is under attack by swarms of various kaiju who are wreaking havoc across the planet. Entire cities are being destroyed when Godzilla appears to vanquish humanity’s foes. Unfortunately, the King of the Monsters isn’t really there to help humans and its rampage continues until a race of alien beings arrive at Earth asking for a place to stay in exchange for defeating Godzilla. When they are unable to do that, the remaining humans board a giant spaceship to venture off into space in search of a new home only to come back some 20 years later, nearly 20,000 years later by Earth time (think Interstellar logic), to search for resources and, possibly, a planet that will welcome them once again. However, Godzilla is still around and isn’t keen on sharing.
The main character of the film is Haruo Sakaki, a young man who begins the film by nearly following through on a suicide bomber terrorist act that is meant to call attention to humanity’s loss of vision and failure to fulfill their mission of finding a suitable home for the remaining survivors. Even though he is accosted and jailed for this act, he is eventually freed when people realize that his lifelong passion of killing Godzilla is the foundation for research he’s done in finding a way to take down the creature…a plan that just might work. The other characters are so forgettable that I forgot their names during the film.
From there, the film essentially pivots into following a massive team of volunteers who land on Earth’s surface to lay a trap for Godzilla in order to destroy it. Since this is Earth 20,000 years after they left, the flora and fauna have evolved and changed so radically that the team have no idea what to expect or how to react, so caution is a must.
The problem with this is that while the characters have to be cautious, the film doesn’t nor should it. The movie has the chance to explore the wealth of imaginative opportunities at its fingertips and yet does almost everything it can to avoid doing just that. The color scheme is flat and uninteresting. The character movements lack smoothness and the action sequences fall victim to shaky cam syndrome. There are a few mentions of some of the changes that have taken place on the planet, such as razor sharp plants, but they’re so incidental or offhand that it feels like no one making the film has any interest in seeing anything other than man against beast.
Speaking of this dynamic, the action sequences are quite entertaining but also feel somewhat reserved. Godzilla barely moves and much of the destruction levied against the humans is seen from a distance, apart from an attack on a military outpost by dragon-like creatures. For nearly the entire film, I found myself thinking, “I’m okay with this but that’s about it.”
The brightest moment in the film are the last few minutes and I won’t spoil what happens. Suffice it to say that it definitely has me interested in the second and third films but I really hope that this new world will be explored further in those entries. Otherwise, we’ve got a fascinating foundation that will be squandered.
Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters is a bland entry in a trilogy that has great potential. For a first course, there’s a distinct lack of flavor or complexity. The final minutes are the only saving grace and I hope that the second and third films make use of that grand wonder.
Satan’s Cheerleaders Blu-ray Review – Sacrifice This Snoozer At The Altar!
Starring Jack Kruschen, John Ireland, Yvonne De Carlo, Jacqueline Cole
Directed by Greydon Clark
Distributed by VCI
The ‘70s. Satanism. Sultry cheerleaders. Sex appeal. With these tools nearly any low-budget filmmaker should be able to turn out something that is, at the very least, entertaining. The last thing a viewer expects when tuning in to a film called Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977) is to be bored to tears. But that is exactly the reaction I had while watching director Greydon Clark’s wannabe cult comedy. Even on a visual level this film can’t be saved, and it was shot by Dean Cundey! No, unfortunately there isn’t a cinematic element in the world that can overcome a roster of bad actors and a storyline so poorly constructed it plays like it was written on the day. The only saving grace, minor as it may be, is the casting of John Ireland as Sheriff B.L. Bubb (cute), a hard-nosed shitkicker who adds all the gravitas he can muster. But a watchable feature cannot be built upon the back of a single co-star, as every grueling minute of Satan’s Cheerleaders proves.
The cheerleaders and jocks of Benedict High School rule the campus, doing what they want, when they want, with little else on their minds except for The Big Game. Their belittling attitudes rub school janitor (and stuttering dimwit) Billy (Jack Kruschen) the wrong way. What they don’t know is Billy is (somehow) the head of a local Satanic cult, and he plans to place a curse on the clothes (really) of the cheerleaders so they… suck at cheerleading? Maybe they’ll somehow cause the jocks to lose the big game? When Billy isn’t busy plotting his cursed plans, he spies on the girls in the locker room via a hidden grate in the wall. I guess he doesn’t think being a sexual “prevert” is fair trade enough; might as well damn them all, too. Billy has his own plans to kidnap the girls, for his Lord and Master Satan, and he succeeds with ease when the girls’ van breaks down on the highway; he simply offers them a ride and they all pile in. But when Ms. Johnson (Jacqueline Cole) gets hip to his plan the two tussle in the front seat and Billy winds up having a heart attack.
The squad runs off in search of help, coming across the office of Sheriff B.L. Bubb (John Ireland), who, as the name implies, may be a legit Satanist. Bubb invites the girls inside, where they meet his wife, Emmy (Yvonne De Carlo), High Priestess of their quaint little satanic chapter. While the girls get acquainted with Emmy, Bubb runs off to find Billy, who isn’t actually dead. Wait, scratch that, Bubb just killed him for… some reason. The girls figure out things aren’t so rosy here at the Bubb estate, so they hatch an escape plan and most make it to the forest. The few that are left behind just kinda hang out for the rest of the film. Very little of substance happens, and the pacing moves from “glacial” to “permafrost”, before a semi-psychedelic ending arrives way too late.
“Haphazard” is one of many damning terms I can think of when trying to make sense of this film. The poster says the film is “Funnier Than The Omen… Scarier Than Silent Movie” which, objectively, is a true statement, though this film couldn’t hope to be in the same league as any of the sequels to The Omen (1976) let alone the original. It is a terminal bore. Every attempt at humor is aimed at the lowest common denominator – and even those jokes miss by a wide berth. True horror doesn’t even exist in this universe. The best I can say is some of the sequences where Satan is supposedly present utilize a trippy color-filled psychedelic shooting style, but it isn’t anything novel enough to warrant a recommendation. Hell, it only happens, like, twice anyway. The rest of the film is spent listening to these simple-minded sideline sirens chirp away, dulling the enthusiasm of viewers with every word.
A twist ending that isn’t much of a twist at all is the final groan for this lukewarm love letter to Lucifer. None of the actors seem like they know what the hell to be doing, and who can blame them with material like this? I had hoped for some sort of fun romp with pompoms and pentagram, like Jack Hill’s Swinging Cheerleaders (1974) for the Satanic set, but Clark provides little more than workmanlike direction; even Cundey’s cinematography is nothing to want on a resume.
Viewers have the option of watching either a “Restored” or “Original Transfer” version of the 1.78:1 1080p picture. Honestly, I didn’t find a ton of difference between the two, though the edge likely goes to the restored version since the title implies work has been done to make it look better. Colors are accurate but a little bland, and definition just never rises above slightly average. Film grain starts off heavy but manages to smooth out later on. Very little about the picture is emblematic of HD but given the roots this is probably the best it could ever hope to look.
Audio comes in the form of an English LPCM 2.0 track. The soundtrack sounds like it was lifted from a porno, while other tracks are clearly library music. Dialogue never has any obvious issues and sounds clear throughout. Subtitles are available in English SDH.
There are two audio commentary tracks; one, with director Greydon Clark; two, with David De Cocteau and David Del Valle.
A photo gallery, with images in HD, is also included.
- Audio commentary with director Greydon Clark
- Audio commentary with filmmakers David De Cocteau & David Del Valle
- Photo gallery
Although the title is enough to reel in curious viewers, the reality is “Satan’s Cheerleaders” are a defunct bunch with little spirit and no excitement. The ’70s produced plenty of classic satanic cinema and this definitely ain’t it.
A Demon Within Review – Familiar Possession Beats To A Dreary Tune
Directed by Ayush Banker and Justin LaReau
Possession flicks don’t often hold a long shelf life in the horror community, with Ayush Banker and Justin LaReau’s A Demon Within suggesting why. Hands emerging from the darkness, exorcisms, anxious priests – you’ll see it all again as you’ve seen it before. Early scenes glimmer a polish unlike equal indie products, but that’s just the devil playing tricks on you. Once the film’s main satanic takeover begins, cursing teens and stony glares become the been-here-before norm. Low-budget filmmaking isn’t an immediate detractor like some high-society snobs may believe, yet it’s surely no excuse either. Today’s review being an example of both mindsets.
Charlene Amoia stars as Julia Larsen, a divorcee who moves into Crestwick, Illinois looking for a clean start with daughter Charlotte (Patricia Ashley). Their dusty toucher-upper is a quaint, aged farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, complete with electrical issues and weird noises at night. Nothing to worry about, right? Julia’s focus is better directed towards town doctor Jeremy Miller (Clint Hummel), who she immediately hits it off with (after almost hitting *him* with a car). She’s eating stir-fry at his place one night, all things going well, and that’s when it happens – Charlotte is possessed by an evil force who enacts its sinister plan. Charlotte may physically be present, but only as a vessel for “Nefas.”
Without hesitation, A Demon Within lays predictable groundwork as small-town haunters have for decades. Charlotte’s new home is already infested with a spiritual squatter, Jeremy bottles (and drinks down) a blemished past that’s exposed too late, there’s plenty of characters sneakin’ up on one another – never with much “oomph.” Charlotte’s teeny-bopper voice drops to truck-driver deep at the height of possession, but it’s a distracting sound design that alone strikes little fear. Serious scares are attempted, be it a pitch-black basement slashing or Charlotte’s hide-and-seek pounce, just never delivered. An inconsequential failure to unite tone and atmosphere.
Performances are…well…rigid, to say the least. Amoia and Ashley strike a surprisingly likable chemistry as living humans, but once Ashley goes demonic, chemistry bottoms out. The way A Demon Within positions Charlotte when possessed is utterly dull and undefined; Ashley playing an unenthusiastic harbinger of death. It’s bad enough that Hummel’s tortured doctor masters the emotional range of Mona Lisa and the town’s pastor is hardly a scene stealer – but to have a demon be so vanilla (without a side of nuts, no less)? Getting past the limited lighting and Charlotte’s manly demon voice is hard enough, let alone her mostly relenting threats.
Making matters worse, the film’s third act is hardly a religious salvation that flows with ease. I had more fun watching Julia stammer over pizza and beers with Jeremy than their final fight against ghastly hellspawns. The truths of Jeremy’s past leak out in flashback form, only to reveal his stubborn inability to comprehend one’s own possession encounter in the very house Julia bought (useful information, eh?). The local priest shows up in the nick of time, a few cutaway jolts attempt cheap thrills, and some holy water mucks up an old painting – but again, minimal notability. Er…not even minimal? Shaky last-minute framing makes it hard to even notice the touch-ups to Charlotte’s face that signify her unholy imprisonment, even worse than blackened CGI mists.
A Demon Within tries, fumbles, and tries some more, but it’s best treated as a reminder of better exorcism stories that exist elsewhere. Even something like The Vatican Tapes is an improvement over this possessive redundancy, hokier than the honky-tonk love song that plays atop a pizza-chain flirt scene. There’s something to be said about getting out and creating original horror, but herein lies the problem – this ain’t *that* original. With harsher scares and tension, such a fate could be ignored. As-is? It’s hard to see past anything more than a January release placeholder.
A Demon Within is a seen-it-before possession thriller that brings nothing new to the conversation. Not the worst, but also not a “hidden secret.”
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