Hell Ride (Blu-ray / DVD)

Hell Ride on Blu-ray and DVD (click for larger image)Reviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, David Carradine, Dennis Hopper, Eric Balfour

Directed by Larry Bishop

Distributed by Dimension Extreme

Guns. Boobs. Bikes. Violence. Can someone please explain to me why I am so friggin’ bored? Here’s a flick presented by Quentin Tarantino that should have been more than up my alley, and yet I was completely disengaged from start to finish. I’m kind of shell shocked and in a state of disbelief right now, so please bear with me. Let’s start with the flimsy thing that passes for a storyline.

A biker gang sets out to get revenge after one of their own is killed by a rival biker gang which is headed up by a cross-bow wielding Vinnie Jones.

That’s it. That’s all there is. Basically we watch some guys bike around and kill people. Then we watch them have sex. Then we watch them bike around and kill more people. Then we watch them have some more sex. Again, I ask you … what’s not to like?!? How did this not even appeal to my inner degenerate? I’m stymied.

Hell Ride on Blu-ray and DVD (click for larger image)What we have here is a movie that tries so hard to be cool that all it can do is fail. The script is awkward, forced, and laughable — especially the Fireman bit. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. How I wish I had the energy to reiterate this drivel if only for comedy’s sake, but I will not devote another second of my life to this over-polished, music video like, grindhouse wannabe that I do not have to. In fact … on to the special features before I lose what little patience I have left.

We get a full-of-shit commentary with writer/producer/director/star Larry Bishop and director of photography Scott Kevan, four featurettes imaginatively titled The Making-of Hell Ride, The Babes of Hell Ride, The Guys of Hell Ride, and of course The Choppers of Hell Ride (I bet you can’t guess what any of these wondrous bits of ill-conceived masturbatory nonsense has in store for you gluttons for punishment out there), Michael Madsen’s Video Diaries (the only semi-entertaining thing to be found here), and a trailer.

The special features contained on the DVD and Blu-ray are identical, but honestly, I doubt anyone will make it through the whole movie if given a choice, much less the supplemental material. Wow. Just wow.

Hell Ride is a smoldering yet completely dull wreck of a movie. It should be carried in stores and shelved right next to other over the counter sleep aids. Avoid this like a filthy pair of skid marked Fruit of the Looms. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go apologize to my Blu-ray player for violating it with this garbage.

Special Features

  • Audio commentary with writer/producer/director/star Larry Bishop and director of photography Scott Kevan
  • The Making-of Hell Ride featurette
  • The Babes of Hell Ride featurette
  • The Guys of Hell Ride featurette
  • The Choppers of Hell Ride featurette
  • Michael Madsen’s Video Diary featurette
  • Trailer
  • Film:

    1 out of 5

    Special Features:

    2 1/2 out of 5

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    • The Woman In Black

      I’m so glad I dodged this bullet and let UC watch it while I wasn’t home. And it had such possibilities too! Just goes to show that even a great cast like this one is worthless without a decent script and a director with a clue.

    • Sirand

      Awful, awful film. It was creepy watching an old geezer like Larry Bishop fuck all these hot girls who wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot cattle prod in real life.

    • PelusaMG

      You were bored because it was, ‘a flick presented by Quentin Tarantino’. You saw “Death Proof”! It was one of the dullest films people have ever had the misfortune to sit through (and it was the reason why “Grindhouse” flopped on the big screen)… I have fallen asleep in two of QT’s films – “Kill Bill 1” and “Kill Bill 2”, and was bored stiff by “Reservoir Dogs”. He is quite simply one of the worst filmmakers today – a complete bore and totally up his own arse (once he pushes past Eli Roth who has taken up residence there).

      If QT did a Boll and took on his critics in a boxing ring I would love to be there, because I would LOVE to punch him in the smug-dullarse-face!

      • Uncle Creepy

        Actually, I loved Death Proof and didn’t find it boring at all. This on the other hand was like slowly sliding a razor down my pee hole to my nuts.

        • PelusaMG

          Would that be on the inside or the outside of your penis, because IMHO that makes a difference to the level of ‘pain’ you are describing… 😉

          By the way, you REALLY thought “Death Proof” was good (other than the last 15 minutes which were brilliant)? I just could not believe what a yawn-fest it mostly was, esp. those scenes in the bar (where they meet Kurt Russell for the first time) and the cafe (where the woman talk, and talk, and talk, and talk Zzzzzzz!!!).

          • Rob

            I agree with PelusaMG. Death Proof was a chore to sit through, with long pointless dialogue sessions with some of the most bland characters I’ve seen in quite some time. And Hell Ride was even worse. I mean, how can you fuck up a movie premise like this as badly as Larry Bishop did, much less make it boring?

    • G.D.

      He was more eloquent than the movie deserved…

      The most amazing thing to me is how transparent it was that the ONLY reason this was made was for Larry Bishop to showcase how fucking “cool” he is (or rather…to lamely attempt to convince us -and himself- just how fucking cool he is).

      What an awful, AWFUL piece of garbage this was.

      Larry Bishop SUCKS at EVERYTHING.

    • frank_dracman

      Not your best moment as a reviewer there, Creepy. But hey, if it sucks, it sucks. What else can you say? Fuck this movie?
      I do give you credit for sitting through the special features. You’re a better man than I, Gunga Din.
      That poster/box art is still kinda groovy.

      • Uncle Creepy

        Believe me, man. There’s was nothing fine about any hours spent dealing with this flick. Honestly there’s just nothing else to say, but — Fuck this movie. Fuck it until it weeps. Fuck it until it looks back at you as crack open its disc hole from behind.