Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, David Carradine, Dennis Hopper, Eric Balfour
Directed by Larry Bishop
Distributed by Dimension Extreme
Guns. Boobs. Bikes. Violence. Can someone please explain to me why I am so friggin’ bored? Here’s a flick presented by Quentin Tarantino that should have been more than up my alley, and yet I was completely disengaged from start to finish. I’m kind of shell shocked and in a state of disbelief right now, so please bear with me. Let’s start with the flimsy thing that passes for a storyline.
A biker gang sets out to get revenge after one of their own is killed by a rival biker gang which is headed up by a cross-bow wielding Vinnie Jones.
That’s it. That’s all there is. Basically we watch some guys bike around and kill people. Then we watch them have sex. Then we watch them bike around and kill more people. Then we watch them have some more sex. Again, I ask you … what’s not to like?!? How did this not even appeal to my inner degenerate? I’m stymied.
What we have here is a movie that tries so hard to be cool that all it can do is fail. The script is awkward, forced, and laughable — especially the Fireman bit. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. How I wish I had the energy to reiterate this drivel if only for comedy’s sake, but I will not devote another second of my life to this over-polished, music video like, grindhouse wannabe that I do not have to. In fact … on to the special features before I lose what little patience I have left.
We get a full-of-shit commentary with writer/producer/director/star Larry Bishop and director of photography Scott Kevan, four featurettes imaginatively titled The Making-of Hell Ride, The Babes of Hell Ride, The Guys of Hell Ride, and of course The Choppers of Hell Ride (I bet you can’t guess what any of these wondrous bits of ill-conceived masturbatory nonsense has in store for you gluttons for punishment out there), Michael Madsen’s Video Diaries (the only semi-entertaining thing to be found here), and a trailer.
The special features contained on the DVD and Blu-ray are identical, but honestly, I doubt anyone will make it through the whole movie if given a choice, much less the supplemental material. Wow. Just wow.
Hell Ride is a smoldering yet completely dull wreck of a movie. It should be carried in stores and shelved right next to other over the counter sleep aids. Avoid this like a filthy pair of skid marked Fruit of the Looms. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go apologize to my Blu-ray player for violating it with this garbage.
1 out of 5
2 1/2 out of 5
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