Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Bradley Gregg, Pam Grier, Stacy Keach, Malcolm McDowell
Directed by Mark Lester
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
“Reach down the back of my pants.
Come on! Live dangerously.”
“Now be careful! These things are like a bad, fucked up George Jetson nightmare!”
“You kicked so much ass in hunior high!
I thought you were pretty badass too!”
“Do you trust him?
Like I trust a vampire to give me a blowjob.”
How’s that for writing, eh? There’s more. There’s a lot more. In the late Eighties and early Nineties, movies that were really bad could still get a theatrical release because no one really cared how sleazy they were. As long as they turned a quick buck, everyone was happy. Watching flicks like this almost two decades later, two things become quickly apparent — even though they’re still shitty, they’re also charming. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be as forgiving when it comes to the current crop of bad movies that are pumped out into theatres twenty years from now.
In this sort of sequel to his classic Class of 1984 (review), director Mark Lester brings us a tale of a society whose schools have turned into war-zones. What better way to deal with that kind of bad situation than to bring in an albino Stacy Keach (who’s rocking a mullet the likes of which needs to be seen to be believed) and his band of cyborg teachers? Of course bloodshed ensues, and honestly? That’s all you need to know about this one.
This is not a good movie. Hell, it’s not even close to a good movie, but you know what? You’ll be thoroughly entertained by its badness. Lester has given us yet another cheeseball epic of poorly made goodness! Every bit of dialogue is ridiculously funny, every action sequence incoherently violent. There’s not a single socially or professionally redeemable thing about it.
Dude, it’s fuckin’ awesome!
Not so awesome is Lionsgate, who has opted to not even give us a trailer as an option. This disc is as barren as the desert. Still, it’s cheap and will provide you with an endless amount of laughs! Feel free to slide this puppy comfortably in your trashy movies that you love section. Get it now, and let the good times roll, baby!
3 1/2 out of 5
0 out of 5
Discuss Class of 1999 in the Dread Central forums!