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Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

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Bloodsucking Bastards

Bloodsucking BastardsStarring Fran Kranz, Pedro Pascal, Emma Fitzpatrick

Directed by Brian James O’Connell


Are you continuously bitching because the boss is asking you to show up early for work, only to ask you to stay late? Have you ever truly wondered WHY he wants you to do that? Well, the next time you’re ready to file a grievance about unfair labor practices, you might want to consider the alternative – you could be working for a bunch of vampires… no, not the type that bleed you dry of your paycheck and downtime – the real ones! Although these creatures of the night don’t sparkle, and they don’t war with shirtless werewolves.. .and they especially don’t tolerate employees being uncooperative. After all, work in an office environment is a team atmosphere, isn’t it?

Director Brian O’Connell’s vampire-horror/comedy Bloodsucking Bastards is the kind of film that takes the humor and charm of Office Space and throws it headlong into the blender with the villainous ferocity of Near Dark, repeatedly pressing “puree” until the ultimate hybrid is concocted. Okay, maybe not the ultimate hybrid, but this is one pretty funny presentation that should be witnessed by all that love a good laugh before, during, and after their gore.

The focal point of the film is Evan (Kranz), who is one dedicated, yet overworked employee of a company that solicits “As Seen On TV” products to gullible buyers. Temporarily serving as an acting sales manager, he currently oversees his friends Tim (Joey Kern), Mike (Neil W. Garguilo), and Andrew (Justin Ware), whose work ethic slightly represents that of a group of seated slugs. Add in the inconvenience of bitter ex-girlfriend Amanda (Fitzpatrick), who works only a few doors down in Human Resources – awkward to say the least. Seemingly, brighter days are on the horizon as Evan’s boss (Joel Murray) is getting closer to naming a new manager of sales, and he’s got a good feeling about this one.

Waiting for the “horror” yet? Hold tight – it’s coming. As the gut-punching news is given of a new sales manager hire named Max (Pedro Pascal from “Game of Thrones”), employees begin to start disappearing… then re-appearing as much paler, more serious versions of their former selves. From the nerdy office worker who’s constantly requesting NCAA-tournament pool money owed to him down to the sultry little secretary, the workers are evolving into something sinister – a much more dire situation than your typical disgruntled cubicle-dwellers.

As the souls start to cross over to the “dark side” if you will, Evan must rely on his own strength (with some help from the ample supply closet) while banding together with the remaining survivors in order to strike down this vampire uprising from becoming the worst possible corporate takeover. As I alluded to earlier, fans of comedies like Office Space and Shaun of the Dead will truly appreciate the laughs in this film, and let’s not overlook the gorehounds either – while not possessing the crimson quart quantity like the Evil Dead remake, there is an ample amount of the hemoglobin to heave around, especially in the film’s latter stages. The performances are solid in general, and outside of some randomly placed goofy jokes that fall flat, I couldn’t offer many complaints about this one.

Overall, these bastards have the goods to make even the biggest slackers want to clock in early, but just remember: Don’t call out sick, don’t refuse an assignment, and please keep the office blinds CLOSED. The management thanks you for your service.

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User Rating 3.63 (19 votes)

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The Cured Review – Ellen Page Fights for Her Life

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Starring Ellen Page, Sam Keeley, Tom Vaughan-Lawlor, Paula Malcomson

Written and directed by David Freyne


Taking a cue from AMC’s “The Walking Dead,” the new Irish horror film The Cured begins where most zombie stories end. Drawing more comparisons, the themes of mistrust and social upheaval are front and center here as well. We’re the real villains, and the infectious disease turning humans into monsters is only there to hold up a mirror to show the worst sides of ourselves. The Cured uses the zombie mythos as Romero intended as a commentary on culture, with a little cannibalism thrown in for good measure.

Against the backdrop of a military takeover attempting to reintroduce the recently cured back into society, two people try to return to some kind of normalcy in a war-torn Ireland that’s been turned upside down by the zombie menace. Recently widowed, Abbey (Page) allows her now virus-free brother-in-law Senan (Keeley) to live with her and her son, even though most survivors are forced to live in an army encampment. Under constant surveillance, Senan’s old friend Conor (Vaughan-Lawlor) radicalizes the mistreated survivors of the virus into open rebellion.

The treatment of the survivors isn’t entirely unfair considering that they still have a connection and are not detected by a small percentage of the infected that haven’t responded to the cure. As both sides size each other up, Abbey and Senan are caught in the middle as they try to restore their humanity before the powder keg around them erupts.

Given its far out premise, the story stays firmly grounded in reality, focusing on the growing resistance and its political implications, drawing parallels to the protest movements such as the “Black Block” that have dominated some recent news cycles. When the virus divided the population, it was easy to know what side you were on; now, the cure has created a new class structure where the lower class is maligned until they cross the line and overthrow the uninfected. Clearly still affected and haunted by the heinous acts they committed when they were infected, the cannibalistic rage they still carry reflects the rage felt by the mistreated masses hellbent on overthrowing the powers-that-be.

Whether for budget reasons or simply a style choice, the eating frenzies that occurred before the cure are never fully shown so any gore and graphic images that could’ve been showcases for effects are left to the imagination. Maybe they weren’t shown because these acts were so unspeakable that they are too horrific to see and too painful to fully be remembered by the survivors. The top-notch sound design ratchets up instead and roars to life to the point where just hearing the carnage is enough to make you turn away.

Page’s performance is the emotional core of the film as she goes from understanding to fear to dealing with the ultimate betrayal. It’s important for a slow-developing story like this to have an actress with some star power, and director David Freyne and his team were fortunate to have a high caliber actress ready to deliver in some of the film’s quieter, more intense moments. Freyne directs these smaller character moments with care and also delivers once things open up to show the inevitable anarchy brimming under the surface.

The Cured may feel too closed off at times to allow its bigger ideas to fully breathe, but it never pretends to encompass a more epic scope that would be more in the vein of something like World War Z. Without ever addressing it directly, Freyne, as an Irishman, seems well aware of the history of the country; and he and cinematographer Piers McGrail inject their film with a pathos that makes Dublin come to life inside the world of the undead.

  • The Cured
3.5

Summary

The Cured is a gritty take on the genre that fits nicely into the new type of storytelling that these stories need to embrace in a post-Romero world.

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Bad Apples Review – Rotten Fruit, Indeed

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Starring Brea Grant, Graham Skipper, Alycia Lourim

Directed by Brian Coyne


Like a seriously bad rash, some films stick with you regardless of whichever topical ointment you slather in generous fashion over your regions – ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce today’s orbital irritant: Bad Apples.

Directed (rather misdirected) by Brian Coyne, this lamentably sterile piece of celluloid follows a couple of murderous sisters, donning horrific (and not in a good sense) masks, and generally putting the sharp edges to random folk on Halloween night…case closed. Only problem here is this: the film has no pulse, no interesting characters to speak of, and basically nothing to redeem or recapture the time that you’ll have spent watching this complete dud. A husband and wife duo has a spotlight on them as well, but their tempestuous relationship makes rooting for them about as pleasing as sitting through 3 hours of Olympic curling…absolutely brutal. Also, you’re reading the babblings of a guy who loves to put the boots to any film that has been deemed “unwatchable”, but this complete wreck of a production is entirely that – something so remedial and uninspired that to type an endless array of rightful vitriol would be an utter waste of time.

So I’ll go on a bit longer with my public display of vehemence, as the casting seems WAY out of whack, and the production? Whoa…don’t even get me started on this – okay, I’ll go on a bit. With differing levels of sound editing, you’ll get the feeling at times like you could pick up a needle drop inside of a concert hall, and other frames of dialogue are so muddled they’re incomprehensible (not like you’ll feel the need to know what’s going on). Wonky camera angles and following shots are so horrendously captured, you’ll be wishing to watch your Mom and Dad’s old home movies just to gain a sense of stability. I normally pride myself on not begging this particular audience to take what I say to heart, or to shy away from something that could potentially ruin their eyesight, but believe me when I plead with you: do not waste your valuable time on this shipwreck – even if your time isn’t all that valuable: don’t waste it. Find something else to do and take a big ol’ pass on this wannabe slasher.

  • Film
1.5

Summary

I don’t mean to pick on the low-hanging fruit, but these Apples should be batted away with a Louisville Slugger.

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User Rating 1 (1 vote)

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Edge of Isolation Review – A Movie with a Simple Message: Don’t Trust Anyone

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Starring Michael Marcel, Marem Hassler, Alexandra Peters

Directed by Jeff Houkal


Sometimes, relying on the kindness of strangers is the thing that’ll do your gullible asses in – kindness? Strangers? Come on – think about it! Even further proof of said warning comes in the form of director Jeff Houkal’s brutally blatant film, Edge Of Isolation – won’t you come inside and grab a seat? You see! You fell right into another trap – jeezus, people…don’t trust just anyone, will ya?

Set up in a simplistic format, we’ve got a traveling couple (Lance and Kendra) whose Jeep, conveniently enough decides to shit the bed along a desolate stretch of roadway, leaving them at the mercy of the Polifer family, a slightly odd bunch of backwoods residents. This particular clan isn’t exactly wrapped too tightly, and they’re not afraid to let their freak flags fly, that’s for sure. You see, the family has been deeply-rooted in these here woods, and their “hospitality” has kept them fed for quite some time, and with a fresh supply of unsuspecting commuters stopping in at varying spells, their stomachs never truly seem to growl out of sustained hunger…oh, that kindness will bite you in the ass every single waking moment.

As I mentioned earlier, the film is constructed fairly simple, yet effective in its barbarism, and those who dig survivalist-horror will be wringing their mitts in anticipation for this one. While some editing does look a bit hokey, the practical effects more than make up for an at-times bit of strewn-about plot navigation, but who’s keeping score? Certainly not me, that’s for sure. I absolutely revel in low-budgeted films that don’t necessarily have the looks and feels of such, and Edge Of Isolation is one of those presentations that is certainly worth its weight in blood and guts – do yourself a solid and give this one a look when it becomes available to the masses, and for f**k’s sake, don’t take up anyone’s offer to chill at their place when your ride breaks down – get AAA and save your life (the previous statement was in no way affiliated or endorsed by the Triple A Automotive group – just sayin’).

  • Film
3.5

Summary

Edge Of Isolation doesn’t need a full-blown allocation to keep future stranded motorists from losing their heads – all they have to do is push “play.”

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