Reviewed by Kryten Syxx
Starring Tom Phillips, Tucky Williams, Jessica Kline
Directed by Stephen Zimmer
Distributed by Ever After Media
Oh, we must have angered the Independent Video Gods somehow! This is probably karma for how much ass we kicked during Comic-Con, because no one should have to suffer through a film like Shadows Light!
Our main character, the heroic priest who is worn out from fighting Satan with stiff words, isn’t going to catch a break any time soon. The fallen and the struggling still need his help to escape the grasp of the Devil, who now embodies a business man with evil tentacles that control every aspect of the local government and night life.
What does the dark prince use to lure the unsuspecting into his midst? Charm? Money? Women? Nope, none of those things would suffice. The disguised slayer of souls employs a bad Captain Kirk impression (complete with long pauses between words) and his bi-sexual female accomplice to do their luring. What a duo! He drones on and on with no menace or character while she oozes so much evil it is amazing anyone even falls for her tricks. But, when you are desperate for the poon, even horrible acting won’t stop you from dipping your pen in some sinister ink.
What follows this set-up is a long and drawn out battle of close-up stare downs, flaming light saber battles, and a monster that looks like it is ready for a full time job on the other end of a glory hole. No, I am not messing around, this is what all comes packed in Shadows Light, and that doesn’t include the three (!) commentary tracks, interviews and SFX featurette!
The acting is … below even my expectations. There’s bad acting, then there’s bad acting. When most of the cast appears to be reading their lines off of cue cards or just happened to rehearse them for the first time just minutes before the camera was rolling, you can bet that a high score is not coming. Even the direction is out of whack; a character who must be evil in a subtle or seductive way shouldn’t speak snobbishly while pausing after every third word to make sure the icky blackness of their naughtiness seeps in. We get it! He/she is evil!
Hey, but at least the special effects are keen! In a way that is. The flaming swords the audience are shown during the battle between the Dark Prince and the escaped Night Elf from World of Warcraft can be a bit flashy … in one second intervals. Other than that, this is less exciting than the “old man duel” in A New Hope. The opponents spin, flourish and we get more close ups of eyes! Ya can never have enough of them!
Another key special effects sequence introduces us to what Spawn would have looked like if the flick was done on a super low budget. Instead of latex, Spawn would have donned a wrestling mask as an agent of evil, but he also would have gotten one of those kick ass pyro sabers. Oh, and hell is really orange. The filmmakers must have known how much I hated Tang, because there’s been no movie in history that has assaulted me with so much of that color. Damn Tang…
Sorry, it’s hard to sell this movie on any level. It … it just sucked.
In short, there’s nothing really redeeming about Shadows Light. It may be an FX heavy indie film, but the story surrounding it gets swallowed up by the sub par dialog, acting and some artistic choices that may leave you with the urge to play World of Warcraft instead.
1/2 out of 5
1 out of 5