Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Brittany Snow, Scott Porter, Jessica Stroup, Dana Davis, Collins Pennie, Johnathon Schaech
Directed by Nelson McCormick
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
I so remember watching the original Prom Night and digging on the campiness of it all. Quite frankly, the movie is absurd. A killer in a black ski mask with sparkles in it? Jamie Lee Curtis’ Disco Dance of Seduction™? It was all there, and there was a lot to laugh about. I’ve always considered it to be a cheesy little slasher flick that I’d watch every now and again if only to kill some time and indulge in the funnies. When news of the remake broke, I wasn’t very upset. This wasn’t sacred ground. The original wasn’t even a very good movie to begin with. Nobody could possibly make Prom Night any worse, could they? Wow, was I wrong. Not only is it worse, it’s downright annoying.
Allow me to go over the paper-thin plot for you:
Creepy teacher falls in love with student.
Creepy teacher breaks into student’s house and kills student’s parents.
Creepy teacher is caught and institutionalized.
Student goes to live with Aunt and Uncle.
Student has prom.
Creepy Teacher escapes institution.
Creepy Teacher shows up at prom to kill student’s friends.
Student and Creepy Teacher have showdown.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying movies like this necessarily need a deep storyline. Honestly, I’d settle for just having characters that are even slightly likable … or believable for that matter. What we have are six kids who act is if they’ve researched their respective roles in the pages of Tiger Beat magazine, who are being stalked and knocked off by probably the least threatening killer to have ever shit-stained our genre. I cannot imagine even the target audience of thirteen-year-old girls not being insulted by this drivel. It’s a flaccid mess that lacks every conceivable element that would make a movie of this type work.
Just when I thought the horror was over, I discovered that a boatload of extra features were waiting for me, some of which are Blu-ray specific. We’ll get to them later. For now let’s dig into the meat of what everyone can watch.
I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. I’ve robbed, cheated, lied, beaten people up, been arrested, done drugs, you name it. However, I am convinced that sitting through the commentary of Prom Night was enough of a penance to absolve me of all of my sins. There are three participants — director McCormick and stars Brittany Snow and Johnathon Schaech. Listening to this track is akin to being drowned in sugar while masturbating to pictures of yourself. All of the sickeningly sweet back-patting, and Snow just being Snow, was driving me mad. “This was great. You were like soooo great. What a great shot. You’re the best stars ever. You guys are just great! Dancing was like soooo much fun. I like so loved my dress. Oh, that was so scary! It was great” This type of banter droned on and on for ninety minutes before the end credits mercifully reared their head, at which time Snow exclaimed, “Oh, you guu-uys!”, as if they should group hug now that the recording session had ended. I never had anything against Snow before. Now I kind of want to choke her to death with my shoelace. Moving on …
If you made it this far, brace yourselves for deleted scenes with optional commentary. I bet you can guess which option I chose! These five scenes ran about five minutes long and were wisely excised. If only another eighty minutes could have made it to the cutting room floor. This section then wraps up with the most inane alternate ending imaginable. You literally have to see it to believe it. I mean why even bother?
From there we get an unfunny gag reel, a making-of, and four self-explanatory featurettes (see below) that run between five and thirteen minutes each. If you’ve actually watched everything, you my friend, are the real psycho present. I mean, I had to watch all this crap in order to write the review. Surely no one out there would actually sit through all this for fun, would they? I shudder to think. Tack on the TV spot and the trailer, and we’re thankfully done.
In terms of Blu-ray specific features, the disc is BD-Live enabled, meaning that if your player is connected to the Internet, you can access free downloads, take polls, etc. From the disc itself, you can even take part in a Where’s the Best Place to Hide a Body? poll, and post your thoughts for all to see via BD-Live. At the time of this writing the “In The Ceiling” option was leading by about 30%. Finally, the last Blu-ray-only option in this package is a running picture-in-picture storyboard of the movie form start to finish.
Let’s see, am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah! This is the unrated cut of the movie. You know the version “too scary for theatres”. Here’s the skinny — in the theatrical version the kills, such as they are, looked as if they were chopped up in a blender and we only got to see bits and pieces of them. Here the choppiness is gone, and there’s still barely anything to see, much less get excited about. Not a single extra drop of blood. Not a lone moment of added suspense. Lame. Lame. Lame.
From top to bottom Prom Night disappoints. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it was lit well, which still gives it a one-up over Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem. This is one prom you’ll be happy you missed. Rent the original instead, and boogie the night away!
1/2 out of 5
3 1/2 out of 5
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