Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Sal Sirchia, Kim Taggart, Lou Savarese, Joli Julianna
Directed by Joe Ariola
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Oh my god, listen to me, I swear, ya gonna die, right? So check it out … You remember that movie that Crissy and the gang were gonna make back on The Sopranos? It was a slasher flick named Cleaver. Sad to say they never got the job done, but there’s someone out there with the same kinda vision, ya know? A director by the name of Joe Ariola and he has made one great big fuckin’ Italian slasher movie! Now, I don’t mean Giallo or anything like that, I’m talkin’ Brooklyn style Italian. Sit back, kids! Goombah Creepy is gonna break this one down for ya! OH!
And listen, before ya have a heart attack from readin’ this review, I’m not makin’ fun of Italians here. In fact, I myself am a guinea wop bastid from Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn, so no offense intended, awright? Stop being a stunad! Back to the movie …
So there was this kid Rico (ex-boxer Lou Savarese), right? He was hangin’ at his pop’s funeral home when some fuckin’ mamalukes break in and start pushin’ Rico around. Sonamabitches! So anyways, things … they get outta hand and before you know it — BING — Rico ends up being french fried, right? ‘S’fucked up, ya know? Fast forward a few years later and someone’s killing the kids of those friggin’ humps that was fuckin’ around where they shouldn’t have been. Could it be that maybe Rico’s back looking to collect on the long overdue vig? Hey, you fuck with the bull you get the horns, right?
Knock Knock is a strange fuckin’ movie. That’s not to say it’s bad, though, ya hear me? Ariola does his best to make an old school slasher flick, so the recipe was pretty friggin’ simple — you need tits (and what else would you expect from a guy named Ariola?) and you need blood. Add in a big fuckin’ hulk of a killer and we have an Eighties style calzone filled with cheese and carnage. The only problem is things look and feel a bit stale at times because we been around this block a lotta times already, ya know? Even the killer. He’s like Leatherface only without the leather. He’s more like, Bandageface. Looks close, but it’s different, right? I tell you this though, the movie’s gore? It’s a fuckin’ homerun! That aint tomato sauce we see bein’ splashed around! God forbid! The kids here? They get fucked up good, and that’s always a welcome type thing, ya know?
As for the special features, Lionsgate wasn’t fuckin’ around here! Usually they push out these things of ours as bare bones as my gumar Josie’s ass, right? God rest her soul. Anyways like I was sayin’, we get a few things here. Like featurettes. One on the sound and music design, one on the fuckin’ make-up F/X, another on the “beat down” sequence of the movie (Madone!), and finally a look behind Rico’s mask with contender Lou “I’ll bust ya fuckin’ head” Savarese. All-in-all we get like an hour’s worth of stuff. Not bad, eh?
So whattaya waitin’ for, an engraved fuckin’ invitation? If you’re looking to kill some time with a slasher flick yer not likely to fuggedabout real quick, Knock Knock serves up the horror by the slice. You know what I mean? Like I said, it’s not great, but it’s a good fuckin’ time, and not for nothin’ we’ve seen worse, ya know? Ten to one odds we see a sequel called Who’s There? Anybody wanna take that action?
Special Fuckin’ Features
3 out of fuckin’ 5
Again … 3 out of fuckin’ 5
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